Today (basically) Bloomberg Businessweek published a report that discovered, “50% of workers believe the song ‘Moves Like Jagger’ makes them more productive.”

Uh… doye. Mick Jagger is easily one of the most inspiring dancers in the world and there’s something about Maroon 5 that puts about a million more ants in your pants. “Moves like Jagger” is one of the most successful singles in the history of music and soared to #1 in over 18 different countries because it’s just that good.

It’s all a sobering reminder of how powerful “Sir Michael” can be when his essence is paired up with anything at all. Shit, put him in an abandoned building with David Bowie and you’re looking at at least six million eyeballs. Check out these moves…

1- THE MANIAC

This is the dance the chick from Flashdance does. It’s not just jogging on the spot in your Nana’s shoes however. It’s going faster and faster with the jogging until you’re a maniac. It’s also really, really easy.

2- THE ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Preston helped name this one. This is Jagger’s trademark move and it’s what most people think of when you describe Jagger’s “moves.” To recreate it, just do a face-forward Egyptian and hold your palms up instead of down. Then do a black lady “Oh no you di’n'” thing with your neck. A lot of Mick’s moves are borrowed from girls.

3- THE TWEEN JUMP

This one is also very, very easy. You don’t have to do a big David Lee Roth “Jump” where you touch your toes in mid air. Just pop up off the ground like you’re so Raven.

4- THE DIET COKE (PART 1)

Cocaine is a sharp up with a quick plummet straight down. Diet Coke on the other hand is a really refreshing way to take a break and get a smooth buzz without, as Bill Hicks put it, “Your heinie getting too big.”

5- THE DIET COKE (PART 2)

While you let that caffeine and aspartame go through your veins stand proud and let someone else have a chance. Once he’s given it his best shot, fuggin’ give ‘er.

6- THE HAND CLAP

Most of Jagger’s moves go way over my head but I get this one. It’s just clapping your hands but you do it in the air and make it into a dance.

7- THE CUM FACE

Women have a lot of sexy moves so don’t be afraid to borrow from them. This face is linked to blowjobs and means, “I want you to have an orgasm on my face.” Do it.

8- THE ADL

Instead of Sieg Heiling and saying Jews are shitty, do the opposite by pointing your right arms down. It means “down with racism” and that’s the whole point of this song.

9- THE HELLO?

This is sort of like saying “dot com” but not as corny. No matter what you’re telling people, punctuate it with a dance move that says “Hello?” and then whatever the thing is. For example, if you’re telling everyone around the world to dance in the streets, go, “You’re dancin’ in the streets, you’re dancin’ in the streets. You, over there, get up and start dancin’ in the streets. (Pick up an invisible phone) Hello? Who’s this? Why aren’t you dancin’ in the streets. Get outside and start dancin’.”

Don’t say “dancin’ in the streets dot com.”

10- THE AU BOUT

This move means “Of the Butt” in French. If you’re wearing a gigantic trench coat you may have to lift it up over your shoulders, but what you do is wave your bum back and forth like you’re in Toddlers & Tiaras and then you just hold it there, the end.

—GAVIN McINNES

PS: I think it was Todd who first pointed out how nobody who like “Moves Like Jagger” could have seen this video.

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