This is my Top Ten Movie Personality Wifey list. They all would kill. Enjoy! (No specific order.)
10. Lori Petty in Point Break 1991. She played a little surfer chick named Tyler, who can surf like a devil and is a very reluctant mentor as well. She takes Johnny Utah under her coochie wing after hearing both of his parents died too (which was a lie and she soon busted his ass.) Three reasons to marry her: 1. She surfs so her body will always be slammin’. 2. Her parents are dead so Christmas is easy. 3. She smokes weed on the reg so every argument can be won with, “You’re high and have no idea what you’re talking about.”
9. Teri Garr in Young Frankenstein 1974. Teri played Inga, a farm girl born in Transylvania with tits so perfect they can make any man forget his own name. She’s basically a bimbo, but supposedly she has a community college degree in Laboratory Science and tits so perfect she can melt minds. Did I mention how perfect her tits are? Three reasons to marry her: 1. Perfect tits. 2. Perfect tits. 3. Her cute little Transylvania accent and her perfect Transylvania tits.
8. Helena Bonham Carter in Fight Club 1999. Helena plays Marla Singer, a very dark woman who visits different cancer support groups in order to make herself feel better about her own life. She’s a “faker” in good health. She’s a bit on the filthy side, but after a good scrub down with the hose and some dog shampoo – she would make for a killer wifey. Three reasons to marry this woman: 1. She can put any asshole at the party in his place in two words (stole that line from Gavin.) 2. She’s severely broken and that equals amazing sex. 3. She has so much raw style any other woman in her presence looks like a two. We call that a “trophy wife.” Plus she won’t want kids and spontaneous as fuck. Good God, I love this woman.
7. Talia Shire in The Godfather 1972. Talia plays Connie Corleone, the youngest and only daughter to Don Vito Corleone, AKA “The Godfather.” Connie is a lost soul who makes terrible choices in men. All the mental and physical abuse later molds her into a ruthless power-hungry murderer, but in this first film she’s still a scared little kitten willing to do anything to please her husband. Did I mention who her father is? Marrying this woman means nobody can ever fuck with you. Prove your love to her father and that’s a warp on anyone getting in your face again. Ever. You won’t get any real piece of the family business, but you’ll get enough money to ditch all that bullshit anyway and go travel the world with your new spoiled wife. Three reason to marry her: 1. She’ll always love you. 2. You’ll never starve. 3. That little Corleone coochie feels like sticking your dick in pure evil (all the murder and death her bloodline is responsible for.) This actually equals it feeling more like pure heaven. Ugh.
6. Alicia Silverstone in Clueless 1995. Alicia plays Cher Horowitz, a very spoiled superficial waste of flesh that comes from a wealthy family. This isn’t cool money like blood money so no allurement there. Cher only makes the list because rich pampered plastic pussy equals coochie-fruit that taste so good you’ll be begging for 5ths. Three reasons to marry this twat: 1. She’s dumb enough to believe anything. 2. Her asshole tastes like applesauce. 3. You never have to wear a condom or pull out because rich chicks see abortion as no differently than washing their hair (they have no souls.)
5. Catherine McCormack in Braveheart 1995. Cathrine plays Murron MacClannough, the lifelong love of William Wallace. Apparently this woman’s love is so amazing that if anything ever happens to her, you’ll turn into the greatest war hero this world has ever known. “FREEEEEEE, DOMMMM!!!” What man doesn’t want to scream that? Three reasons to marry this woman: 1. Free ticket to murder thousands of people. 2. That whole no condom/pulling out thing because who cares, she’ll be dead by morning. 3. Every man in the world will forever idolize you.
4. Melanie Laurent in Inglourious Basterds 2009. Melanie plays Shosanna Dreyfus, a young French-Jewish woman who’s entire family is murdered by the crazy Jew hunter Col. Landa. Years later she changes her name to Emmanuelle Mimieux, inherits a cool old movie theater and here expresses her deep loathing for the Nazis. She traps the entire high command, Hitler included, inside the theater and burns them alive. This is a bad, bad, bitch. Plus she’s slammin’ hot. Three reasons to marry this woman: 1. She carries one of those cool tiny guns in her black-lace stockings 24/7. 2. She speaks French and carries one of those cool tiny guns in her black-lace stockings 24/7. 3. She fucks like a woman who had her entire family machine-gunned to death, speaks French, and carries one of those cool tiny guns in her black-lace stockings 24/7. What are you waiting for?
3. Angelina Jolie in Hackers 1995. Angelina plays Kate Libby, an insanely hot computer hacker with lips that I can only guess were made for giving blowjobs. And don’t worry—she’ll grow out of that stupid boy-band haircut phase. She’ll stop wearing neon DayGlo leather, too. At that point you’ll have a wife so hot your friends will start plotting your death. Three reasons to marry this woman: 1. Everything about her mouth. 2. She can repeatably erase your credit history. 3. She can hack anyone’s iPhone and get their naked pictures.
2. Kirsten Dunst in Interview With a Vampire 1994. Hear me out. Kirsten plays Claudia, a very poor young girl living in a plague-ravaged 18th-century New Orleans. Lestat (Tom Cruise) finds her clinging to the rotting corpse of her mother and turns her into a vampire. If you could trick Claudia into actually believing you love her and she’ll turn you into a vampire as well. Then of course you can push her into the sun because she’s useless to you sexually (plus she’s an evil cunt.) Three reasons to marry this 100-year-old 6-year-old: 1. Eternal life. 2. The endless amount of ass you’ll pull as a vampire. 3. There’s a chance you’ll be able to fly.
1. Miss Argentina in Beetlejuice 1988. This little gem committed suicide by cutting both of her wrists and ended up landing a pretty solid receptionist job in the afterlife. As a 10-year-old boy this is the first woman I can ever remember wanting to spend the rest of my life with and then some after. Plus you know she’s super fucking organized because she keeps files on every person who ever died. Three reasons to marry this woman: 1. She has a job. 2. She looks like a Martian naked. 3. She can single-handedly crush any doubt you have of the afterlife. Can you imagine what that would make beforelife like? Goodbye crippling anxiety, hello best sex ever!
—JESSE ANDREW
Now get a girl to make a bot list. Rich pooosy!
Next up: Who would win in a fight b/t Superman and the Hulk?
Now let’s go even further, let’s hear a snot-nosed 10 year old’s marrying list…