1. I assume Lindsay Lohan is playing a drinking game where she does a line of coke every time someone says she has a drinking problem.
2. “…Aaaaand then another fella shows up…and…ohhhh…the first fella’s a lot lonelier than I thought…”—Old prospector narrates porn for the blind
3. Halfway thru To Kill a Mockingbird and so far its like come on does anyone EVER go to the toilet?? And this is supposed to be a ‘classic’
4. You’re napping in a backyard hammock. You wake to find a sparrow perched on your chest. It has a semi-erect, human penis. #VoightKampff
5. You’re a jockey. Halfway through a race, you notice the rider next to you is masturbating. He’s focused on your horse. #VoightKampff
6. Yelp. com was a lot more useful before the world’s shittiest creative writing students began posting stories of their nights out.
7. I came to chew bubblegum and kick ass, though I’m a pretty poor fighter and I’m all out of gum so if anyone has any gum, I’d be grateful.
8. “Hellooo San Bernardino Cub Scout Troop No. 84! This next song is about a boy who learns there are way cooler things than being a rock star!”
9. “I do not judge. I am merely a conduit. It is the stars themselves that whisper you are worthless.”—Madame Merlot Goldine: psychic & asshole
10. How much would it cost to get my name plus the sword’s name, with fire around both names, etched into the blade? Or just my name alone?
11. NEW Flapjacks™ Fold ‘n’ Fuck Masturbational Crepes #sponsoredtweet
12. 2PM: The world’s first goat perm looks better than expected, and a routine webcam sex chat turns into an amateur production of Jurassic Park
13. .@DeepakChopra – A few months ago you wrote “inner light [something something something].” So inspiring! Wish I could find it again! Help?
14. Autodidacts never get around to teaching themselves how stupid that word sounds.
15. NEW! COMING IN JUNE FROM FRISKIES: Sunni Delight™ Soft Halal Lamb Cubes for Elderly Muslim Cats
16. DID YOU OR YR CHILD lose a “Loose’n'Easy Fingerbang Bear” @ Fox Hills Mall 2day? Describe Hole No. 2 & it’s yours. http://twitpic.com/9hfx3e
17. What’s the term for the mix of anger, regret and guilt you feel when you finally begin marking progressive political emails as spam?
18. “See that? Looks like a bullet from a gun went in and made a hole. That means it’s pretty much a murder.” —Austin Briggs, child detective
19, It’ll be a great day when schools get the money they need & the air force has to hold bake sales & all free jazz musicians have been killed.
20. PREDICTION: Kidnappers discover Kickstarter, make darling little promo videos about the victims, encouraging family & friends to kick in $$$
21. My insane neighbor, the one with “anger demons,” plans to jet ski to Catalina. I’m extremely supportive. Jet ski to heaven, you crazy angel.
22. 7PM TONIGHT: A despondent yoga teacher meditates himself into a coma, and a doula gives herself a Tony Award for her play about water birth.
23. “I says to her, ‘This dick ain’t gonna suck itself,’ and then y’know…Ding! Light bulb time!”—Chick Harlan, inventor of the self-sucking dick
24. I need to hook up a night vision camera so I can see if the raccoons are really using the Take-a-Penny-Leave-a-Penny dish in the backyard.
25. I just asked the dumbass German Shepherd next door if it’s a “German Shitbird” hahahaha enjoy the burn, stupid!
26. Every 3.5 minutes, someone in marketing becomes helplessly aroused by an idea that would make the planet an absolute hell for everyone else.
27. I downed a mouthful of rainbow cake jimmies today like a tearful giant committing suicide with human pharmaceuticals.
28. You guys know what a “shart” is? Okay, today I guess I was “shancing” and got kicked out of tango class. I’m shorry I’m shying, I’m shupset.
29. I assume “Stonewall” Jackson’s tits were ridiculously small. Soldiers can be very cruel.
30. I have that cool synasthesia thing where you tell me the number of cats you own and I instantly imagine that as a smell.
31. The final lesson from the whole #Kony2012 thing? Five-year-olds have shitty gaydar.
32. 2011 Least Popular Friskies™ Cat Food flavors—Pepperjack Cricket Loaf, Chuck D’s Christmasberry Splash, Taste of Crete™ Falafel N Pita Flaps
33. Pull your head out of your ass by your bootstraps.
34. I want to force the carcasses of everyone in Dr. Dog into dead members of Peter, Bjorn and John. An indie turducken of murder. Murducken.
35. Watching hypocritical GOPers apologize on camera is like watching a dog’s half-hearted, distracted ass-drag after a casual dump. #AZsheriff
36. Kanye West is so dumb he probably has another brain under his balls so he can walk.
37. IDEA: Useless old hippies & useless old punk rockers get together & kill each other over who was more of a threat to the dominant paradigm.
38. You eat about four spiders a year in your sleep, but the nimble ones come back night after night for your world-famous rimjobs.
39. Oh, I’m sure “Mammas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Cowboys” had NOTHING to do with the late 70s wave of rural infant strangulations.
40. Pretty sure the lady ahead of me in the self-check-out lane was drugged and being filmed for some kind of Japanese game show.
41. 2010 Least Popular Friskies™ Cat Food flavors: Extreme Pilaf, Everlasting Beefstopper, Honey ‘n’ Water, Tony Hawk’s Radical Pro Sea Bass
42. Let’s breed small dogs that explode after a few thousand barks.
43. “There are SEVEN chakras. Seven. SEVEN. Chakra. Chakra. Chakra. Chakra. Chakra. Chakra. Chakra. Seven. S-E-V-E-N. Seven.”—OCDeepak Chopra
44. I imagine Newt Gingrich starts each morning’s pee by expelling the clot of grape jelly that’s accumulated during the night.
45. Every taco truck in LA started with some guy selling cooked meat out of his pockets. God bless America.
46. Such a shame the “Don’t hate the player, hate the game” defense was thought of so long after the Nuremberg Trials.
47. “Are THESE your breasts?” —Gary de la Vega, Sex Magician
48. Tina Turner’s “What’s Love Got to Do With It?” on radio. Held the tears back until the harmonica-synth-flute solo. Oh Tina, I wish I knew!
49. Want your superstitious friend to suddenly become reasonable? Tell them you think “ghosts” are scientists who’ve mastered invisibility.
50. Up there on the cross, alone, wounded, bleeding… I bet Jesus wished he’d gone with that Loaves ‘n’ Fishes Family Restaurant idea.
(Image by Sean Tejaratchi)