You can try to ignore it, but your brother just screamed “Cocksucking Faggot” at the top of his lungs.
As his awkward teen voice rings through the house, you’re forced to answer the question: Is my brother a bigot? Is it possible that he’s also involved in Hipster Racism? You majored in knee-jerk liberalism and minored in saving the world, so you may feel the urge to rush in and “fix” him. But please resist—your brother is simply participating in the politically incorrect Wild West known as XBox Live.
XBox Live is where would-be Columbine shooters go to work out their violence in a constructive way by wasting hours of their lives chugging Mountain Dew, farting, and owning losers from that weird middle area of Pennsylvania. It’s also a wonderful place where people go to scream racist and sexist epithets at each other without being shouted down by recent college grads with feminist blogs. With the exception of 4Chan, it may be the only place where this is still possible.
So you’ve got a gamer in your family. The best thing to do in this situation is use it as an opportunity to understand your father’s last creampie. You may want to play the cultural anthropologist to his hunter-gatherer bushman and all that shit. Observe the gamer in his natural habitat.
However, let’s face it. You’re not going to be putting on that headset any time soon, so I’ll give you the lowdown on the landscape of online gaming. What’s with all the awful use of the “fag” word? Don’t these people know that they’re being big mean homophobic bullies? It may seem that way, but the language of XBox Live is a little different than common usage. I’ll translate a few of the key terms you’ll hear emanating from a gamer’s den of masturbation and simulated murder.
Gay: A superlative negative, this version of the word “gay” seems to have nothing to do with sexual preference. In fact, it rarely is even used in regards to a person. The spawns on this map are so fucking gay, the guys appear right in front of you.
Faggot: Any member of the opposing team.
Nigger: That faggot who snuck into our base and took our fucking flag.
Rape: To do really well in a game. Unlike in real life, raping is a good thing, with little or no jail time involved. Oh my god, they fucking got raped.
Whore: One who hoards the powerful weapons in a game. These faggots are whoring all the Übers.
Teabagging: To stand over a defeated opponent and squat up and down over him, while shooting his corpse and punching him. Also known as corpse-humping, this celebratory activity is sometimes performed by as many as five gamers on one downed opponent.
No-scope: To kill someone with a sniper rifle without zooming in. This makes gamers cream in their pants. Your little brother’s Brazzers account isn’t the only reason his room smells like bleach. Oh my God, I just no-scoped that guy right in his fucking face.
Noob: Someone who is bad at gaming. This is one of the few things you can call a gamer that will actually hurt his feelings. Nothing else works—trust me, I’ve tried.
So who exactly are all these awful people screaming awful things at each other? Here is a breakdown of the types of people your little brother is digitally murdering every night after dinner:
Most of the popular games on XBox involve bullets ripping through aliens and/or soldiers and are Rated “M” for “Murder a Motherfucker.” However, thanks to shitty parenting, young boys still make up the vast majority of the population on Live.
Let’s see, I could talk to this cunt or I could hang out with my boys on voice chat and picture all the aliens as having her annoying face. If I play the right game, they might even have her giant front butt.
These guys are usually blasting Waka Flocka Flame so loud that you can’t hear them talking about weed or “How good they bitch can suck dick.” This is a good thing.
No one has ever encountered them, but apparently XBox Live is the preferred venue for terrorists to sip skinny vanilla lattes and plan their next meetup, at least according to this shitty article.
An annoying by-product of military-themed shooters such as Call of Duty is that actual military guys play them. They can frequently be seen complaining that particular aspects of the game are unrealistic. Yes, of course it’s unrealistic, because it’s a fucking video game. Thanks for defending our freedoms, asshole.
There are no girls on XBox Live. OK, maybe a statically negligent handful, but thanks to the shitty compression on voice chat, they all sound like teenage boys. Gamer girls will usually compensate for this by making their in-game character pink with heart and vagina logos all over it. XBox Live is a terrible place to score with any girl you would want to put your cock into.
“Y’all sound like a bunch a Mexican niggers.” Yeah, a few of those guys are on there. I once played against a group of white supremacists. Our team of Hispanics and Black guys cleaned the floor with them. Racism is fucking gay.
Since Doom, video games have made people from both sides of politics shit their panties in righteous indignation about what they do to children. Groups such as Common Sense Media and people like Hillary Clinton and Jack Thompson have all taken turns attempting to headshot the medium. Their argument, for the most part, is this: Video games cause real-world violence, especially in young children. They seem to have the silly idea that humans are nonviolent creatures and that Call of Duty has the ability to turn us into an army of Seung-Hui Chos. They’re startlingly blind to the fact that the most reprehensible atrocities in human history all predate video games. Hitler did not have an XBox.
I can only smile when I think of how horrified all of these people would be if they heard how people talk to one another online as they frag each other into oblivion. It’s a den of political incorrectness, with enough forbidden words to make Oprah choke on Dr. Phil’s cock. However, there’s enough real racism and real violence in the world that I find it amusing that anyone would take up combating video games as a cause with a straight face. A bunch of people screaming obscenities while they pretend to shoot each other’s avatars should be the last of anyone’s concerns. Essentially, on XBox Live a lot of people get killed, but nobody gets hurt.