THE FLAMINGOS—I ONLY HAVE EYES FOR YOU
The go-to tune for big-city stalking. Tailing your prey in heavily crowded areas without a theme is hectic. There are all kinds of distractions and noises. Obliterate these obstacles with this doo-wop classic. The dreamlike instrumental puts you in the right mode of obsessive trance to zone in and efficiently chase. As far as lyrics, it doesn’t get more positively reinforced than this.
Best line: “I don’t know if we’re in a garden…or a crowded avenue”
Accessory: Unfolded newspaper—she’ll never notice.
What to look out for: Overzealous cab drivers, Premium Rush fags, the ghost of Keith Moon.
DEAN MARTIN—STANDING ON A CORNER
Stalking is usually reserved for a single victim, or at least one at a time. When the inevitable restraining order puts the kibosh on your plans however, you have to recruit a new mark. Thus we have the ultimate anthem for your perusing needs. Martin croons as an over-the-hill cradle-robber salivating over unsuspecting skirts as they walk by his post on Main Street. This sets the ambiance for your caper. It’s classy and sophisticated, with the right pinch of creepiness to remind you of the task at hand.
Best line: “Brother ya can’t go to jail for what you’re thinkin’…”
Attire: Sy Devore suit coat, pinstriped, surgeon’s cuffs, two-inch lapels. Fedora for maximum sleaze.
Drink: Apple juice. Long sips while staring at potential game—once eye contact occurs, unleash the wink.
OTIS REDDING—THAT’S HOW STRONG MY LOVE IS
For all your window-peeping needs. Strictly reserved for the experienced. This song is so powerful that a novice is vulnerable to jump from harmless stalking into full-fledged B&E. From there you’ll move into panty theft, which leads to breathing heavily over her incapacitated flesh. Next is the eventual sexual assault—and possibly becoming a registered sex offender (if you’re some kind of sick, twisted freak, that is).
Best line: “I’ll be the moon when the sun goes down, just to let you know that I’m still around.”
Attire: All camo errthang.
Accessories: Binoculars, and lotion (in case your skin gets dry of course.)
DALBELLO—GONNA GET CLOSE TO YOU
As R&B legend Montell Jordan would say, “Somethin’ 4 da honeyz.” After that emotionally retarded bag of water with a dick dares to break up with you this is the default jam to rightfully terrorize that shortsighted, self-centered asshole—via leading on the dude who lives in the apartment parallel to his. This is for the revenge stalk. Searching for that chance to truly fuck up their world, just to show them you don’t care anymore and have since moved on to better things. As well as letting him know how you’re totally over him. Amirite?
Best line: “Outside your balcony I have a room with a view (And I’m watching you)”
Go-to move: “Accidental” run-in, kinetic violence.
Attire: Killer outfit, literally.
You’re young—in age or mindset. You and your soul mate are merely riding out cliffs and valleys. Your friends make light of your breakup-to-makeups. But they just don’t understand love. They’re just immature. She’s a crazy bitch, and he’s a fucking asshole, but your bond is too strong to be broken. This is the ballad of all existence. Like-minded wisdom spouted over synth chords, heavenly pads, and one rockin’ slap bass. The eternal dance.
Best line: “Who do you want me to be? To make you sleep with me?”
Go-to move: Posturing, inserting your relationship into everyday conversation.
Endgame: Live happily every after, and/or homicide/suicide. No exceptions.
THE BEATLES—RUN FOR YOUR LIFE
You’re not fucking around. Games have worn thin. Your best bud just informed you that she was seen at the Smiling Dog with Johnny Hammerschmidt. Shit just got real. You need to send a message, but you’re so mind-fucked by betrayal you can’t think clearly. This little ditty is your center. Plot your verbal undressing of that cold heartless cunt through inspiration from a youthful, sprightly John Lennon—before he turned full-blown bitch. This is one of the few Beatles songs with balls. This is the ultimatum. The warning shot. She’s either with you or against you, life or death.
Best line: “Baby, I’m determined/and I’d rather see you dead.”
Go-to move: Cheap shot to new beau’s unsuspecting jaw into hysterical, “YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!? YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!?”
Drink: Tennessee Whiskey.
RADIOHEAD—ALL I NEED
Thought I was going with Creep, didn’t you? With the rise of social media, stalking—like all things, has evolved. Internet stalking is the next frontier, my beta. During those lonely nights of Facebook and Twitter thirst, this baby right here is all you need. Turn out the lights and drown in your tears, clicking through countless pictures and status updates of the one you’ll never have. This also doubles as an ode to the “friend zone” you know all too well.
Best line: “I’m a moth who just wants to share your light.”
BONUS (friend zone) line: “I’m an animal trapped in your hot car.”
Food (for males): Double chocolate muffins (for your vagina).
Food (for females): Peanut-butter ice cream (for your vagina).
Accessories: Five-gallon bucket for tears, razor (for your wrists).