Ladies and gentlemen, meet “Killah Knut.”
I turned 30 a few months ago. As perhaps some of you noticed, I didn’t take this particularly well.
It felt like a death sentence. And things didn’t improve after that. All I could think about was that my 20s were now gone and I’ll never see them again. I was overwhelmed by an all-consuming ennui, a death-like feeling of emptiness and despair that made me lose the will to live and love and laugh. Nothing that I did seemed to matter. Life seemed like a series of pointless events and underwhelming incidents, all going in a never-ending loop. So exhausting.
I entered a deep state of catatonia. I couldn’t bother to get out of bed anymore, so all day I would lie there in my dark apartment with the curtains drawn. Friends would come by and try to make me go outside and eat food and go to the toilet, but I just shut my eyes and ears and ignored them until they gave up and went away. I needed to be alone. There in the darkness, covered in bedsores and with an adult diaper that threatened to burst at any moment, my fevered mind would go over the same questions over and over again:
What am I doing here? Where am I going? Is this all there is? Shouldn’t there be more to life? Will nothing ever change?
I grappled with these questions for what seemed like an eternity, and I grappled with them good and hard. Every time I seemed to have an answer in sight, it disappeared like a mirage and left me sobbing and despairing under my blanket. After a couple of weeks like this, I started thinking about suicide. I finally pulled the blanket aside and prepared myself to get up and find something with which to do myself in. I took a quick glance across my room. My eyes fell on a Bible in my bookshelf.
And then it hit me. It hit me like a Dum-Dum bullet of enlightenment right through the brain. In one glorious moment, my fate presented itself to me and I could suddenly see everything so clearly: my future, the choices I have to make, and the key to happiness. It was all there. Triumphant and filled with a sense of excitement I’ve never felt before, I stood up from the bed, pulled the curtains away, opened the windows, and let out a blissful scream. That’s when my diaper burst.
What happened, folks, is that salvation found me, and now, for the very first time in my life, I have a path to follow:
Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve decided to become a Juggalo.
This is the path I’ve chosen. This is the life I’ve chosen to lead. I hope you all respect that. I now walk in the light of Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope. From now on, you will all refer to me as Killah Knut. I may be the only Juggalo in Oslo, and even the Black Metal guys are laughing at me, but I’m walking my own path, and I’m walking that path with pride.
Now show me some clown love.