If I had a beard, the last place I’d want to find myself is down some dark alleyway in Amish country facing the five suspender-wearing scamps pictured above.
Granted, I’m not sure if they actually have dark alleyways in Amish country or whether their religion forbids them, but that’s a picture of the Bergholz Clan from Bergholz, OH, who’ve been found guilty of hate crimes for a savage series of beard-and-hair-cutting attacks upon rival Amishpeeps in the bucolic rural setting of Mesopotamia, OH, last September.
The ringleader was family patriarch Samuel Mullet, who was aided and abetted by his sons Johnny S. Mullet, Lester S. Mullet, and Danny S. Mullet in a spate of assaults on rival Amish men. Sam Mullet reportedly sanctioned the attacks as a response to criticism from other local Amishpersons that his sect was too strict, so to show them they were wrong, he strictly ordered his Amish underlings to strictly shear his rivals’ beards and hair in the strictest manner possible.
A federal affidavit alleged that Mullet ruled his roost with an iron beard:
In disregard for Amish teachings and scripture, SAMUEL MULLET, SR. has forced extreme punishments on and physical injury to those in the community who defy him, including forcing members to sleep for days at a time in a chicken coop on his property and allowing members of the Bergholz clan to beat other members who appear to disobey SAMUEL MULLET, SR. Moreover, SAMUEL MULLET, SR. has been “counseling” the married women in the Bergholz clan and taking them into his home so that he may cleanse them of the devil with acts of sexual intimacy.
Here’s a full-sized picture of these suspender-wearing, electricity-shunning, beard-hacking droogies walking outside the Cleveland courtroom where they were recently found guilty:
That’s the scariest, most intimidating posse of Amish men I’ve ever seen, and I’m from Pennsylvania, which grants me the moral authority to make such judgments.
Hopefully the guilty verdicts will send a message to other wannabe Amish upstarts who dare to flout federal power. It is my sincerest wish that the buggy-driving Luddites of these quaint rural areas can return to their cloistered and creepy ancient traditions, which, as rumor has it, involve meth manufacturing, homemade porn, and practicing relentless corporal punishment upon their children and livestock, often simultaneously.