Do you know this fucking asshole?
Sorry—”alleged” fucking asshole. For legal reasons, we can’t state definitively that he’s an asshole, nor even, technically, that he fucks.
We at Street Carnage do our best to avoid the avalanche of press releases and art-show announcements and “Hey, look at my band” emails that cross our news desk, but this item was so poignant—possibly for all the wrong reasons—that we decided to grab this here pigskin and run it into the end zone.
Someone calling themselves “Rocket”—which we’re assuming isn’t what their mama called them—emailed us to say:
Hi
A theft took place in the dressing room at our show at Irving Plaza last saturday.
We’d really appreciate any help you guys can give us in getting this picture out there to catch this dude before more bands get ripped off.
Their email included a link to this photo…
…which was accompanied by this comment:
This is security camera footage of the suspect leaving Irving Plaza as the Sex Slaves were going on. He is carrying our cameraman’s camerabag [sic] and another knapsack on his back as he brazenly walks past Eric.
Do you believe the alleged NERVE of this alleged fucking asshole alleged thief allegedly “brazenly” walking past Eric like that? (We have confirmation on Eric’s name, so we don’t have to allege it.)
But it only gets worse. “Rocket” writes:
He also used credit cards belonging to the Reformed Whores at the nearby CVS, Walgreens and McDonalds. We are waiting to hopefully get that cam footage too.
So the fucking alleged asshole allegedly steals equipment during the Sex Slaves show, then has the fucking nerve to use the Reformed Whores‘ credit cards! What the fuck is this fucking world coming to? (FUCK!)
A half-body shot of this fucking asshole. Note his tattoo. Who but an asshole gets a tattoo like that?
Frankly, it looks like the kind of tattoo some asshole who’d ingratiate himself with a punk band just so he could steal their equipment would get.
Alleged items this asshole allegedly stole include…
$1000 video camera, purses containing 2 iphones, wallets, ID, expensive makeup, audio gear.
…and…
my $500 Gucci glasses and our merch girls deoderant [sic]
What kind of asshole would steal a merch girl’s deodorant? THIS kind of asshole (allegedly)!
We at Street Carnage support the “scene,” and we don’t think it’s cool for punk-style bands to have their gear ripped off, even if, technically, some of them may be ripping off music that’s older than they are.
If you have any information about this case, “Rocket” wants you to call him at (212) 300-4418 or the 13th Precinct at (212) 477-7444.
—STREET CARNAGE
Helpful and yet still maintaining the faintest whiff of asshole. Great job!
for the record. let’s point out that he’s not a white guy.
you know. for the record.
$500 Gucci sunglasses at a punk show
Punk is dead and those Gucci glasses helped kill it.
I can just see and hear an old, lonely punk yelling out, “Hey, Rocket!” It gives me douche chills just imagining that.
Harley Flanagan woulda knifed that chump 3 times before you could even say gucci.
The Gucci Glasses comment was a (bad) joke.
Thanks for reposting this, guys.
And, people named “Beef” really shouldn’t make fun of anyone’s nicknames.
Enjoy your douche-chills, Douche.
-Rocket
The comment by Lunchin’ made this whole thing worth reading.
so now i know how joakim noah spends his offseason [sic]
Years ago I saw the Sex Slaves and I thought it was going to rock. Then they started playing and sounded like Bon Jovi. I hope the victims of this thief get justice.
WHy would I enjoy douche chills, Rocket? I’m the one who causes douche chills. Others enjoy them.