I’m currently in what’s probably the best relationship of my adult life so far. I’ve been with this guy for seven months now and he’s everything awesome: smart, funny, nice, fun, and really affectionate and sweet.
I’m currently in what’s probably the best relationship of my adult life so far. I’ve been with this guy for seven months now and he’s everything awesome: smart, funny, nice, fun, and really affectionate and sweet. My friends love him, my family loves him and I love him too.
My only real problem now is me: I’ve become incredibly anxious about everything. I keep feeling like he’s going to dump me when I least expect it, so I’ve become hyper-vigilant about anything that could possibly be construed as a slight rejection. Like, this morning I started crying in the shower because he took his hand off of my shoulder while we were cuddling on the couch. Objectively, I know this is completely insane, which makes things even worse; I can see how crazy I’m being, but I feel like I just can’t stop feeling hurt and rejected all the time.
My friends say it’s like post-traumatic stress. My last three dating experiences ended like this: Guy #1, after two months of dating, stood me up one day and never called again; Guy #2 turned out to be a total grifter and con artist and was arrested for stealing his customer’s credit card information; Guy #3 literally left me in the middle of the night after I finally slept with him after three awesome dates — I woke up to an empty apartment and a note saying “I can’t do this.” I kind of feel like Charlie Brown, like every time I run for the football, Lucy yanks it away before I can kick it. And I just keep waiting for this guy to yank the football.
The worst part is, I know it’s starting to drive him crazy that I’m so emotional all the time. I try not to let him see when I get upset, but he practically lives with me so it’s impossible to just isolate myself every time I get teary. It’s so unfair to him because it makes him feel like a bad boyfriend, when really he is the best boyfriend imaginable. I have to figure out a way to get my anxiety under control before it ruins this relationship. Any ideas?
-BAWLING IN BROOKLYN
Dear Bawling,
Sometimes I say the same things over and over again. It’s not because of you guys, but because I only have so many words of wisdom in my words of wisdom bank. I have totally been in this place before and the one thing that helped me, which is something I’ve said before, is that fears are wishes.
The thing we spend the most time consumed with and scared of is the thing that ends up happening. This isn’t new age mysticism but pure scientific fact.* Fears are wishes. It’s like the sign that says “DO NOT PRESS THE RED BUTTON” and all we can think about doing is pressing it. We become obsessed with pressing it until we just have to fucking press it.
Consider this for a moment: What if you do break up? What if he dumps you? Let’s take the worse possible case scenario and play it out and get to the bottom of the fear. For me, whenever I am so afraid of losing my relationship it ends up being not because the guy is so amazing that I can’t live without him, but more because I am afraid of being alone. No, scratch that — the real fear is that I’m afraid of being alone FOREVER, that looming “forever” that makes everything so scary. The future in all its black-caped glory. I’m alone! I’ll die alone! No one will come to my funeral! Who is gonna press “play” on the Van Halen song I specifically requested? (“Change.”)
That’s the real fear.
One of my biggest fears is not having children. I think about it often. What if I’m one of those women who can’t have babies? What if I’m too old and miss my chance? What if I give birth to an unhealthy baby? What if my child dies? I know these are dramatic fears but whatever, they’re mine. The question I really have to ask myself though is, What If? What if I don’t have a baby? Will I die? No. Will it make me less of a woman? No. Will it “ruin my life?” I’d like to think I have more faith in my life and it’s path that no, it wouldn’t be ruined. What if my baby dies? That’s possible. It’s awful, but it happens. It happens in much more awful ways and fantasies then my brain allows me to envision, and yet sometimes these awful things happen. It makes me question everything I know, and yet they still happen and I am still alive.
So don’t be so heavy. Don’t be so serious. Don’t hold on to anything too tightly because it’s truly not ours — none of it — to keep. Not even the children we have or the people we love. Consider for a second your fear and your problem and think about how much worse it can actually be. You’re young and healthy and have a boyfriend you really like. So have fun, laugh, and be dumb and be smart and be everything you fear and everything you don’t because it’s all gonna change anyway.
The PTS is a reality and worth looking into as well. My heart goes out to you, but I think you can handle things differently this time. I have a good feeling about it.
xx
-LESLEY ARFIN
LesleyArfin.com
CafeconLesley.BlogSpot.com
*Not an actual fact that it’s a scientific fact.
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best photo ever, didn’t read the article
I’m pretty sure the girl in that pic is not ordering a pizza
I f the clingy girl looked the one in this picture, I wouldn’t mind if she was my Siamese twin, but I imagine she looks more like #1413.
seriously- not even going to read it- the girl is so hot.
Good fucking advice, Barf! You basically said ‘chill out’ (which is the only advice you can offer this neurotic train wreck) but made it, dare I say it, philosophical. Pay no mind to the obnoxious commenters with the word ‘cum’ or some such buffoonery in their name. You’re a good writer and I have a feeling you could be great.
wildly inappropriate pic
there is always a power imbalance in a relationship. it’s established almost immediately and there’s no changing it. in all likelihood, he will eventually dump her, especially as she evidences this imbalance to him on a regular basis. men don’t respect that, as they already have more power outside of the relationship.
she needs to concentrate on finding and developing a relationship with a guy who loves her at least a bit more than she loves him. she probably has a “thing” for being the one who is rejected but she’ll have to let it go and take the power position. by and large, it’s still a guy’s world and good romantic relationships should serve as a counterweight to that imbalance. generally speaking, the romantic relationships that are best for women are the ones where the power shift is slightly favoring her.
^^ “by and large, it’s still a guy’s world”
If you live in Yemen, that is. Women are the USA’s dominant gender.
I’d say the best relationship is one where the woman is made to feel the power balance is in her favor. Though this is the case in the beginning of many relationships, as the man pursues, the balance is shifted after the catch, in the mans favor. A woman can’t truly respect a man she doesn’t look up to. However, in THIS case, this girl needs to get her self in order. She won’t be able to keep a good man, just a string of co-dependant users.
I have the same problem and I’m a man. I get super clingy the second I decide that I really like a girl. It made my last relationship miserable because I was clingy and insecure the whole time and she did nothing to ease my worried heart. I’ve had several relationships end because of my over-reaction to dummie stuff. Its a horrible curse indeed
Sometimes I visualize the people I love most (my daughter, girlfriend and mom) dying suddenly, sometimes in horrible ways. If I’m alone and in the correct frame of mind, this can bring me to tears. This exercise has two effects: 1) Re-affirming just how important these people are, and 2) Allowing me to accept the inevitability of their deaths (and my own). From this I gain comfort, because I won’t meet any of them later on. There’s only this, here, now.
“Meditation on inevitable death should be performed daily. Every day when one’s body and mind are at peace, one should meditate upon being ripped apart by arrows, rifles, spears and swords, being carried away by surging waves, being thrown into the midst of a great fire, being struck by lightning, being shaken to death by a great earthquake, falling from thousand-foot cliffs, dying of disease or committing seppuku at the death of one’s master. And every day without fail one should consider himself as dead.” – The Hagakure
Thanks Deep Thoughts for reminding me of RZA’s soundtrack to Ghost Dog, which quotes Hidden Leaves at length.
Treat the cup as already broken, or the relationship as already changed or over, and every moment of it becomes even more precious. The odd thing is that treating something as impermanent can have the effect of making it last longer.
That feeling is the pain of being alive. Take it!
Take it and like it. What is the alternative?
You are the fortunate one..
I liked your insight, Lesley. My roommate has scared off two guys who genuinely liked her this school year (great feat! that’s like one every 3 months) because she became crazy obsessive and would wind up harassing them and being pretty verbally abusive if they didn’t answer her texts or phone calls promptly enough. I might nudge this article that crazy bitch’s way…
Well ahll be. In the south we have a saying dont count your hogs until you have their testacles in a skillet.
Sounds like good advice for you and your beau little lady.
you’re not gonna be clingy when he dumps you for being too clingy. Can you handle that mind bombage I’m dropping?
Cooties.
Lesley Arfin, you literally talked about you for 500 pages.
fuck, i think i LOVE you guys.
this has nothing really to do with any of you, its more about me being hungover and drinking lots of coffee and it makes me get these huge super emotion-bursts which are awesome, like i’ll look at a font and be like OMG I LOVE those serifs it’ll nearly bring me to tears.
drinking is important because sometimes you can turn into a heartless prick if you’re sober for too long.
in other news, i think im going to start stalking Barf.
Wow. All terrible advice. How ’bout how homie is “practically living with her” after only 7 months?! That she has no time to distance herself from him when she gets Geary?! Who’s really the clingy one? Sounds to me like a dude that still lives with his parents who’s found a crazy chick with an apartment to crash at. He’s cool with tappin’ that as long as he doesn’t have to listen to ‘ma bitching.
i’m kind of hungover, too. and i think i’m in love with qq, girl, guy, dog, whoever he is.
Good and healthy advice. There is nothing worse than a clingy girlfriend. All it has ever said to me is, “I am afraid and don’t feel like I’m good enough,” to which I reply, “You’re clearly good enough. I’m here, right?” until the clinginess continues and then I think, “Jesus fucking Christ, you’re driving me out of my mind I can’t handle it please please please go away.”
“gentile” southern man? dude, whoa, i’m not sure the status of your foreskin is really relevant to this question.
@ rr – im in love with me as well!! that shit is crazy right?!
alright
qq and rr, hangover enlightenment is probably my favorite state of being. It’s like you reach some sort of balance between your scaredy cat sober self and your drunken bravado self and you really are yourself for awhile. Very nice indeed.