Dear Lesley,
Can you tell me what to do with my life? ‘Cause I can’t.
Dear Lesley,
Can you tell me what to do with my life? ‘Cause I can’t.
See, the deal is: I moved to San Francisco last year, and then I said, “Fuck this,” and moved somewhere else…a place I shall not name mention because it sucks so much that it doesn’t deserve to have a name. Anyway, now I’m like, “Fuck this,” again, and I’m considering a variety a places to move to. SF, Portland, or NY. What do you think? I really need to get my degree at some point in my life, and since I’m 20 and so old and all, I think I need to get a move on it. I’d like to major in English or something of the like and then, you know, write….or….something. You know how it is, right? Anyway, I’d like to hear your opinion/advice/commentary, because I feel like my youth is slipping away from me, and I’m getting panic attacks because if that, and my lack of direction.
Help me, Oh Wise One, please.
Sincerely,
Another Lost Lamb
Dear Lost Lamb,
Well, you think you’re lost but you actually seem pretty on schedule to me, although I can imagine it might be hard for you to see that. But you know what? How about try? How about accept the fact that you don’t know what to do, where to live, or who you are right now? It’s okay not to know. I order you to stop reading this immediately and tell yourself the following: “I am totally fucking lost and have no idea what I should do about it.” Now take a deep breath. If you need to, say it again. Ok now you can continue reading. I don’t know any of the answers to your questions. All cities suck sometimes, and sometimes they do the opposite, it’s not the city. It’s not the job. It’s not the boy or the shoes or the album. But try all those things because maybe I’m wrong. Fuck, I am wrong. Sometimes it is the album! My dumb advice is to surrender to not knowing and see what happens. It’s tricky to really believing it but you’ll get there eventually I think. Especially because you’re writing to an advice column. The bottom can’t be too far from here. BOO YA!
I seriously love you, for real,
Lesley
20!!!
that is all
Can someone help me write this Crim paper?
this is horrible. See all you would-be advice columnists…
Blognigger makes it LOOK EASY but it’s hard.
God did this suck. Leslie, you know the rules upon posting an awful piece: Tits or banned.
yikes Leslie – I’m afraid Chad Eraser is right – that was pretty bad.
Please update post to include a picture of your naked breasts before midnight, or this will be your last post.
One must have tits in order to post them.
You will never know what to do with your life. So, get used to it. Just don’t get fat. Nobody likes fat. (i’ve gotten fat).
This is awful — and useless. However, I do appreciate that each Lesley post is accompanied by a photo of her hanging with what’s her face, just to irritate the readership.
Is this that same trust fund kid? Why the fuck are people asking her advice?
Every single fucking answer should just be:
“Here’s my advice – go back in time and be born to rich parents. Then all your troubles will disappear.”
Gavin, i hope you’re banging her. but even if you are, what do WE get for letting her post. is it Wednesday yet? Bring on the negro of blogs.
Lost Lamb:
Writing is hard. You won’t be able to make it. Just go into pharmaceutical sales like every other dummy.
go to a liberal arts school, duh. and yeah, you wont make it as a writer, but thats a good starting point. you’ll go to college and somewhere late junior year or mid senior you’ll figure it out.
just awful is right.
Chris Rock (I know.) does a relevant joke: Going to John McCain about not having any money is like going to Brad Pitt about not being able to get any pussy. They simply don’t understand your problem.
Also, print is dead and the only way to get a job writing for a blog is to be fucking the owner of the site (Like this Lesley broad), so give up on that.
you should definitely work with or near motorcycles. be a receptionist at a harley davidson shop. if you’re in peak physical condition you should learn how to downhill mountain bike. do not work in fashion in nyc. if you’re not a 10 then you should be a stand up comic.
a dominatrix is a good profession as you can make a boatweight of money. there are dungeons on 38th st in nyc and you could actually then afford steak frites and dries van noten. check out mistress jasmine.
do not get a desk job because your body will hate you a lot later in life. that is only speculation but it’s true. do not marry rich and sit on your ass. you will hate yourself. my mother was so beautiful but she lost it. she married a very smart rich jew. my dad is a little dude…so she never ate. now she looks weak and fragile and old. you need to eat a lot of butterfat so you look pretty later on down the line.
miss appalachian thinks you should move to nyc, contact mistress jasmine, and eat a lot of fucking butter. if it so turns out that you can’t give enemas to married men or spank them ruby red, then be a receptionist at a motorcycle shop. find a man that can actually fuck you so you won’t have to starve yourself…this way you will be soft when you’re old.
hugs
Lost Lambs there is no way to know without seeing your cup size.
post a picture of your cans so we can begin to analyze
OK, problem solved. Take this column from “Leslie” (In a quotey sort of mood) and give it to miss appalachian.
I love Ask Barf, but I’m starting to think it might be an excuse for Lesley to post cute pictures of her with her cute friends…
Yeah, major in English wuss.
Move to Portland. I hear they’re having a shortage of 20-something dilettantes with absolutely no direction or aim in their life.
Oh, wait… I meant ‘overabundance’, not ‘shortage’. Overabundance.
@ miss appalachian: That was the best thing I’ve read on the internet all day. If vane$$a ever says anything bad about u, I will stab her with my killing knives.
Dear Lesley,
I am a stupid loser who can’t make my own decisions. My parents used to tell me what to do and so I just did the opposite, and that was always so easy. I want to major in some fucking pipedream instead of doing something useful with myself. I don’t feel good about myself and like to do blow off guys’ cocks for approval.
Will you tell me what to do?
I’ll fuck your dad.,
sincerely,
Lost Slut
Dear Lesley,
Please no more photos of you with your famous friends.
You will never be shit as long as you keep doing this.
Kind regards,
AF
Oh yeah, quality advice! The bitch clearly has some legitimate anxieties to address. So give her a damn placebo.
Lamb,
If you’re strictly seeking suggestions:
Move to Portland and surrender yourself to the community. It’s an inviting city – with the exception of being liberal to a fault – and the ideal atmosphere for an aspiring writer. And, depending on your inclination, you may appreciate the underwhelming social setting (*when measured up to NYC, LA, CHI, and SF) for the sake of “self discovery”.
Above all: Portland is cheap*
I’d also consider Seattle or Tacoma if you’re looking to remain on the coast.
Realistically, it seems you have some legitimate anxieties to address.
Holy fucking shit. Do NOT waste your time and money on a degree in English. Are you fucking retarded??? WHAT THE FUCK are you going to do with a degree in English??? Go into nursing or take business courses or something.. sweet mother of fucking god… NO NOT GET A DEGREE IN ENGLISH!!! Keep away from general art degrees in general. You will just end up having to taking college courses that will actually train you for a job and provide you with some kind of skills… trust me. I have a BA in Psychology!!!! FUCKING USELESS!! I wish someone slapped me in the face and gave me the advice I am giving you. peace
i think i was a little over emotional there… i made a tonne of spelling errors. passion
also plus, if it wasnt for new york kids with rich parents hanging out with artist types half the cool shit that you like wouldnt exist. its a part of the landscape, get used to it.
Fuck English. Go to Fresno State and major in chemistry. Drop out after the first semester and start a crank lab.
“if it wasnt for new york kids with rich parents hanging out with artist types half the cool shit that you like wouldnt exist. ”
lesley’s responsible for the other half. get used to it.
Dear Lesley,
Please no more photos of you with your famous friends.
Please write one sentence that anyone, anywhere considers well-constructed and worth quoting. just one.
Please generate one original idea. Only one.
Maybe then people won’t hammer so hard on the fact that you seem spoiled and talentless.
this lamb pretty much stole my life. except i don’t want to enter a competitive field. fuck that.
hey ???–
don’t hate on english degrees. just because you got a degree in psychology (why would anyone who doesn’t want to be a psychologist do that?), you shouldn’t assume that majoring in a liberal arts field is useless. majoring in things like english or history or etc. like that is useful because it teaches you how to write and how to analyze things. it’s far more useful than what a psychology major would teach you (how to memorize). also, maybe you went to a shit school that no employer respects, and that’s why you find your degree useless.
(can you tell i’m majoring in english?)
germs tattoo!!?
marry me!!!
Huh? Does this even count? This was retarded.
Lamb,
I am like you. But 3 years older and a BA behind me. I moved out to the stupid west coast (idk) and it is okay: I am discovering the Journey is what is important not the End Result.
BUT
Go to school for something you are interested in. Donut enroll “just to go” or “for the expereince”. Goddamn school is expensive: make the most of it. Go to class, don’t play on facebook on your lappy and do the readings. Also? Don’t be a faggy stuck up kid and pretend that because you have a YouTube account, leet sneakers and an LJ that you do not have to work. You do. Don’t be that kid every1 hates that kid (as u can read here).
OR
Get a job, and live cheap for most of the year. Apply for a working holiday visa and get lost in countries where there is no english.
Don’t move back to the west coast: the ocean is overrated and everyone dresses like they fuck so much that is has lost its fun.
obviously this person is experiencing the experience called ’20′. i think we all recognize that. may i humbly suggest that arf was simply trying to be kind to a person who is psychologically incapable of having a ‘big picture’ view of life. that’s all. (ducks below the parapet)
oh-and wanting everybody to write like a certain nigger who blogs is like wanting to eat bannock morning noon and night for the rest of your life.
I, for one, wouldn’t expect her to write like Blognigger…only to show any evidence that she’s able to write at all. Having a lousy book published by VICE doesn’t count. All that proves is she went to the right parties.
Read her sentences aloud. They suck. Nine out of ten myspace blogs manifest a better grasp of the language.
this is a site called ‘streetbonersandtvcarnage’. if literary excellence is what you desire, i suggest you look somewhere else.
OK, then, we can approach it from another direction, and she still sucks.
Give us someone who’s actually “street” rather than someone whose daddy pays for rehab.
Did somebody say dungeon?
Why would you change the picture for this ‘piece’ from a streetboner like Chloe to a loser like A-Ron???
“Don’t move back to the west coast: the ocean is overrated and everyone dresses like they fuck so much that is has lost its fun.”
…I liked that.
Don’t go to college, kid. College was the biggest mistake I ever made in my life. I’m thousands and thousands of dollars in debt (should be paid off just before my 39th birthday!) and the only thing I learned there is that college is a bunch of bullshit. I work in a store now, it has absolutely zero relation to the things I learned in school. Don’t do it!
Dear Lamb-
Don’t become a writer. You already suck at it and you have a boring mind too. Not having a boring mind is key to being a good writer. You also have no balls. It takes balls to write a book. My book will be done soon and the balls will be oozing from the pages. No one with any balls would ever go to college and major in English. English profs are all psychological tragedies, especially the self-loathing, politically correct “men” who just want to get in your pants and try to prove that they’re not dickless. If you’re going to go to college, major in something that’s actually challenging and useful to the world. For example, you could be an engineer or a doctor. But before you do anything, grow a pair and stop asking complete strangers for advice. Make your own destiny, dumb ass.
no tits?
she just tries to write a weekly column and all she gets is hate
No way, I love Lesley, and I have a major girlie crush on her! No hate here:)
Ouch.
both sides kind of have a point:
1) All she does is write a column on the internet
2) All she does is write a column on the internet
ANONYMOUSLY would be better / have been better, ala Slut Machine, that way it fails or succeeds on its merits alone, rather than all the name dropping and photos-of-me-with-famous-friends posting and vice magazine hooplah and da-di-da-di-da. Which you have to admit is kind of sickening.
But yeah, again, its just a column on the internet. Books are better.
im gonna get a lot of shit for hating on the germs but in tattoo form it just looks like a fruit loop. shoulda ditched the black outline.
Lesley’s fabulous.
actually yeah i dont mind this broad, so whatever
“bloodyknows Says:
12.16.08 at 1:46 am
hey ???–
don’t hate on english degrees. just because you got a degree in psychology (why would anyone who doesn’t want to be a psychologist do that?), you shouldn’t assume that majoring in a liberal arts field is useless. majoring in things like english or history or etc. like that is useful because it teaches you how to write and how to analyze things. it’s far more useful than what a psychology major would teach you (how to memorize). also, maybe you went to a shit school that no employer respects, and that’s why you find your degree useless.
(can you tell i’m majoring in english?)”
Not quite. But nice try. People pursue arts degrees because they have no idea what they want to do with their lives, i.e. Lost Lamb, Me… It does not require a strong GPA to gain entrance and once your in, it’s pretty easy to pass with little effort. The only advice I can give is if you are going to pursue an arts degree, take it all the fucking way. Get your PhD, write a thesis and be a professor, then you can get paid to do research and publish papers.
1. Go to college and befriend kids who are emotionally unstable. They’re all at the library or the grocery store around 3 in the morning. lLook for korean guys wearing dusters and rail thin latinas with dirty flip-flops.
2. Get your degree in english and write yourself up a new religion. The insomniacs from step 1 will be your street team. Promise the guys sex and the birth of the ubermenche. Promise the girls eternal salvation and love in the warm embrace of whoever you decide to worship.
3. Have the insomniacs put your manifesto and posters for seminars around highschools and anywhere they sell chinese food for a dollar.
4. You will recruit a new band of pregnant runaways and preteen opiate users who will love you like a benevolent savior queen, which will translates to stealing and killing for you.
5. Before you know it you’ll have 20 to 30 members with 15 more in gestation. Move your clan to a community without any religious affiliation and yet an unwavering tolerance for spiritual hoo-ha. Look for a high concentration of “COEXIST” bumper stickers and a lack of christmas trees in public. This place will serve as a base of operations for your classes, retreats, and festivals.
If you follow this you’ll get one hell of a self-esteem boost and probably make some money. Once you say, “Fuck this,” to your colony you will realize that you’re still young and have changed people’s lives. By your 25th birthday you’ll know what you want to do and have a nice chunk of change to invest in a legitimate business. Remember to name a successor and then fake your own death so the fuckers don’t come after you.
man u dont even kno y u h8in
here’s the question we should be asking, how much does this dumb broad get paid to write a single fucking paragraph. whatever it is i’ll write 2 paragraphs for the same price
this is a work. and poorly executed at best. fake.
Since when is Aaron famous?
she kinda fills me with hate, but in a “who fucking cares” kinda way
I liked these responses. And no, I’m not a trust fund baby. And yes, I’m just like every other 20 year old kid my age. Oh well. Vane$$a’s response was the best because she was such a bitch about it, but, fuck it, a lot of these responses were funny.
And don’t hate on Lesley. I love her for answering my stupid question.
yeah this girl is totally alright.
she should just focus on RIGHT NOW, and feel glad for the freedom to float around wherever she feels inclined.
some people have awful obligations and are tied down.
either by family, getting pregnant young, or just lack of courage to go out and explore this great wonderful world.
go girl go,
plus -LET ME JUST SQUASH YOUR MINDGRAPES RIGHT QUCK-
20 is outrageously young. if she grows up to be 80 that means she’s still go 60 more christmases to have! and she’s only had 20 SO FAR!! you got time girlfriend.
i love lesley.