I FINALLY QUIT MY FUCKING PATHETIC LAME-ASS LOSER JOB!

For twelve years, I labored as a souvenir photographer in various Vegas Strip showrooms. I got the job the very first month I moved here—I had planned to become a cocktail waitress, but at the time it was a solidly union gig, and since I didn’t know anyone in town, the prospect of working my way up the ranks of the Culinary Union sounded too shitty to even bother with. I had always liked photography, so when an acquaintance suggested I try working for Cashman Photo (see that?? Now I can name names without fear of retribution….bwahahahahahaha!), I thought it might be fun.

Anyway, I have a *TON* of dirt to dish about my time with that company…but I’m saving it for my next blog, which will be allllll about it. For now, let me just say that it was a decent job back in the day…but ever since the advent of the iPhone, overpriced souvenir photo sales have been on a dramatic decline, and I wasn’t making much money anymore. Worse, the owner of the company started freaking out about it and meddling in our business, making life miserable.

I fantasized about quitting many times over the years, but with increasing frequency over the last 12 months. I had all these great ideas as to how I would actually do it—like, how to go out with a bang and really twist the knife, etc.—but in the end, I kept it classy and just fired off a polite email, with a full two weeks’ notice given. My only regret is that I never got to stick it to that GOD-AWFUL FUCKING CELINE DION MANNEQUIN! Yes that’s right; now that I’m no longer hostage to those fuckers, I can call her by her real name. No more cutesy pseudonyms!

I have worked the shows of many, many shitty entertainers over the years, but always discreetly referred to them by fake names. For those who have been reading/following me over the years, now I can finally reveal just exactly who these awful headliners were.

• Sally Dingdong = Celine Dion (as much as I hate her shtick and her fans, Celine herself is a sickeningly nice person and impossible to dislike on a personal level. But I still hate that fucking mannequin)
• Sir E. J. = Elton John (his first show, The Red Piano, was excellent. But his current show, The Million Dollar Piano, is mediocre and frankly boring.)
• Shennany Twang = Shania Twain
• La Bête = Bette Midler (without question the WORST show I’ve ever had the misfortune of working. The crowd was MISERABLE, and the show itself was pretty lame.)
• 70s Dancehall Diva = Cher (her show and her crowd were actually OK…I have no beef with Cher. She’s fabulous!)
• Redneck Ventriloquist = Jeff Dunham (thankfully he only plays a few times a year…but those few times were TERRIBLE)
• Ex-British Boy Band member = Matt Goss (also super-cool in person…but his crowd sucks and I don’t much care for his show, although his band is excellent and he’s not a bad entertainer himself)

I have also had the misfortune of working the following shows on and off, but don’t remember what fake names I used for them at the time:

• David Copperfield (I worked his show for years, and that fucker never hit on me once)
• Rick Springfield (in EFX back in the day at MGM…met him a few times and he was CHEAP AS FUCK, never tipping me ONCE for any of the photos his wife made me comp them)
• Paul Anka (enough fucking said)
• George Carlin (alas, I wasn’t there the night he lit into the audience, calling them out for being losers…I would have DIED laughing and toasted him with a magnum of champagne for his honesty)
• Engelbert Humperdinck (a lot of gypsies came to see him, oddly)
• Jerry Seinfeld (TIP: his show is EXACTLY THE SAME, every time he plays Caesars. He doesn’t change one word! Talk about phoning it in…GET SOME NEW MATERIAL, JERRY!)
• Stevie Nicks (her show and crowd were OK, I just didn’t make much money off them)

I also had the privilege of working a very few shows that were actually GOOD.

• Tom Jones (fanTAStic entertainer)
• Kylie Minogue (aMAZing show! I wish she had an extended contract in Vegas! WAY better than Shania Twain!)
• Chris Rock (hilarious, of course)
• Rod Stewart (astonishingly great performer; I fully expected to hate him but was won over by his genuine appeal)

Also, now I can finally mention the name of that douchebaggy steakhouse that made me take down my Yelp! review: Old Homestead at Caesars Palace! The executive chef over there read my harsh (but totally fair) review, then went all the way to the CEO of Caesars to try and get me fired. FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE! I WIN! I ended up taking the review down at the “request” of my bosses at Cashman (if I didn’t take it down, I bet they would have figured out a way to stick it to me), but now that I no longer wear their yoke, I put it right back up: CHECK IT OUT!

On a serious note, I will kinda miss going into Caesars Palace every night (or at least 3-4 times a week)…I basically grew up there, having worked there for around 10 years. I LOVE THAT PLACE! It will always be the #1 coolest hotel in Vegas, and believe me, I love every inch of every nasty-ass cockroach-infested hallway on the property. (I’m talking about the underground employee areas…no cockroaches in the classy above-ground guest areas, of course. But underground? Holy shit! You could put a saddle on those things and ride them!)

The only other thing I’m sad about is the fact that I missed out on playing this amazing practical joke on the Celine Dion mannequin. A friend gave me a remote-controlled fart device, which I had planned to stash under the mannequin’s dress, then hide behind a pillar and set it off when dumbass Frogs came to take pics with the stupid thing. Alas, Celine was on break the last few months, so I never had the chance to use it. But here’s a link to a piece I wrote for City Life about it! 

So, anyhoo…I’M FREE!

—WONDERHUSSY

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