The people who brought you Bacon Salt and Baconnaise have now introduced into our free-market system what is perhaps the world’s first Bacon Coffin.
Here’s a picture of the little critter, and to me, it looks more like a homosexual cheetah than a slab of bacon, but maybe that’s just me:
Our meat-and-sodium-wranglin’ friends over at baconsalt.com describe the $3K coffin in terms that recall vintage Dan Aykroyd back before World War II, when he used to be funny:
Is there a better way to show your love of bacon forever than to be buried wrapped in it? We don’t think so.
This genuine bacon casket is made of 18 Gauge Gasketed Steel with Premium Bacon Exterior/Interior, and includes a Memorial and Record Tube, Adjustable Bed and Mattress and Stationary and Swingbar handles. It also includes a bacon air freshener for when you get that buried-underground, not-so-fresh feeling.
OK, that’s really fucking cute, but along with the casket, can we FINALLLLLYYYYYYYY bury the whole Ironic Bacon Movement?
Not to mention that bacon is for girls. Those greasy little straggly strips of meat look like labia.
Sausage, on the other hand, looks and smells like manhood.
Hey, gents—wouldn’t you rather be seen toting a frighteningly huge yet uncomfortably scaly kielbasa ’round town?
And what guy in his right mind would be embarrassed by a bratwurst like this?
And if you want to get really crazy, cash in all your chips and go dive-bombing for the German sausage!
To compete with the Bacon Coffins, I have designed and copyrighted and blueprinted and trademarked the Sausage ChairTM, being modeled here by my friend Donny.
These cool new Sausage Chairs are currently available for sale in a poolside area near a hotel right off the Jersey Turnpike if you meet us with $300 in cash. We’re currently staying at the hotel, so email our girl jenee@streetbonersandtvcarnage.com for more information.
—CARLOS WITHERSPOON
is this a facebook post?
Kudos to Donny on finding my old Cavs jersey.
So fucking hungry now