It seems like only yesterday that Tom Cruise was jumping up and down and doing backflips on Oprah’s couch, so crazy gaga in love with a fetching little minx named Katie was he.

Talk about "landing on your feet" after a breakup. Nicole who?

Those of us watching at home just thought, wow, he is really, really straight.

Fortunately, Oprah’s chairs, couches, settees, etc. are extra sturdy and steel-reinforced for obvious reasons. Holy mo-lay! LOOK out, now!

Besides, Cruise thoughtfully wears plastic booties over his shoes during courtships in preparation for any spontaneous outbursts or uncontrollable jumping onto furniture; consequently, damage to the upholstery is usually minimal.

On occasion, doilies and throw pillows haven’t been so lucky. Such is love. There’s always collateral damage.

The Today Show’s Matt Lauer, perhaps best known for being berated by Cruise on live TV for knowing absolutely nothing about psychiatry, is said to have hired extra security and metal folding chairs are on standby for the inevitable "rebound" booking.

Brooke Shields has gone into hiding.

The talk-show community is on high alert, concerned for the safety of its desks, tables, chairs, etc., since Cruise should be head over heels in love with another naive starlet any minute now.

Rumors that he’s requested to make his entrance via flying trapeze are unsubstantiated. Or that he’s hired a prop plane to fly over the set trailing a streamer reading, "Tom loves (YOUR NAME HERE)."

Or that he plans fireworks spelling out, "I love this girl!"

Lies and innuendo not even worth repeating if you ask this reporter.

Current whereabouts unknown to the general public, Cruise remains in seclusion at an undisclosed location with an unnamed sympathizer and requests via reps that we respect his privacy during this difficult time.

He’s at John Travolta’s house, 119 Celebrity Way, Beverly Hills, CA, 90210. Don’t even think about trying to get in unless you’re a male masseur.

I take it that the Church Of Scientology holds a different view on divorce than does the Catholic Church. Divorce is always hardest on the artificially inseminated surrogate-borne test-tube baby and its team of trainers and handlers when Hollywood arranged marriages dissolve.

That had to have been a difficult text message from its parents’ publicists to read.

At least Dad has the cojones not to dispatch a stunt double to handle the couch-jumping for him. At least he "does his own stunts."

His is a love that knows no respect for other people’s property, like it or lump it. Your froo-froo French Provincial divan be damned when it comes to a l’il sumpin’-sumpin’. OW!

For her part, Oprah is said to have beefed up security at her compound, ordered extra piranhas for the moat, and is having all her furnishings Scotchgarded and covered in plastic should Cruise get bitten by the love bug again and parachute onto the grounds commando-style with a film crew to shout it to the world.

Sofa, so good.

—SHIFT

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