Cruiser boards are everywhere all of a sudden. Some decks are as long as modern boards, but are much wider and don’t have the double-kick feature. Others are more like the banana boards people rode slalom in the 70s. The trucks come in different widths, and the variety of wheel shape and durometer is legion. I was going to interview five skateboarders about their “liquor-getters,” “bar-bargers,” and “boozer-cruisers,” but something occurred to me: how do they feel about foreskins?
Cruiser boards are everywhere all of a sudden. Some decks are as long as modern boards, but are much wider and don’t have the double-kick feature. Others are more like the banana boards people rode slalom in the 70s. The trucks come in different widths, and the variety of wheel shape and durometer is legion. I was going to interview five skateboarders about their “liquor-getters,” “bar-bargers,” and “boozer-cruisers,” but something occurred to me: how do they feel about foreskins?

SEAN BONO, 26, UNION SQUARE

Are you circumcised?

Yes, I am.

Are you straight?

Yes, I am.

Have you ever had sex with a girl who said she preferred the other kind of dick?

Nope.

Are you happy with your parents’ decision to have you circumcised?

I guess I am. I think it might be preferable for girls.

At what age did you first become aware of the other kind of dick? Was it the locker room scenario?

There was this guy in middle school who said he thought he might not be circumcised, and I thought, “Wow, that’s a big word.” I think the first time I found out was when a girl, you know, went down my pants to see if I was. It was all foggy.

Some girls say that uncircumcised dick is easier to jerk off. What have you encountered?

I haven’t heard anybody say anything. I was watching the Bill Maher movie Religulous, and they talk a little bit about how and why circumcision came about. It’s a pretty crazy thing to do to people. Who was the first person to think of it? When it happens when you’re tiny, you don’t know. I think it’s kind of weird, to be honest with you. I think it’s a matter of hygiene.

Why do you think male circumcision is considered a question of “hygiene,” while female circumcision is considered genital mutilation? Why do you think there’s a double standard?

I mean, a lot of dogs are spayed. I’m not really trying to show the difference between man and dog as the difference between man and woman, but there are just many double standards, especially when it comes to that. And guys pretty much wrote the rules [regarding female circumcision]. Um, I’m sorry, my brain is just…it’s been a long workday.

Well, it’s kind of a touchy subject. I couldn’t imagine a woman wanting to do that to herself, but then again, there are mothers who are complicit with the practice of circumcising their daughters. Do you have any male children?

No.

If you did, would you have them circumcised?

I definitely would do a little more research. I heard something about how sensitivity is lost. I mean, I guess I don’t think it’s a good thing. But it might be cleaner.

You know, I think that’s really up in the air.

Yeah?

I mean, being circumcised is probably more low-maintenance, but then again, it doesn’t take that much to pull back the hood when you shower. You know, my parents had me circumcised, even though my dad isn’t. They decided to circumcise me because they were worried about me feeling like an outsider in the locker room. But you’re saying you’d say no.

Right off the top, I’m still divided. It’s tough to say, because the one guy I do know who isn’t circumcised is kind of a prick. He was an informant in high school.

What a dick.

Yeah, he would try to break up parties, and he got some people in serious trouble.
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MIKE MARZOA, 28, EAST WILLIAMSBURG / BUSHWICK

Are you circumcised?

Yes, I am circumcised.

Have you ever heard from a girl that the other kind of dick is easier to jerk off?

Actually, I’ve heard that it’s the other way, that they like circumcised dicks.

Why do you think that is?

I don’t know. I actually had one chick tell me that not being circumcised is nasty because it would get dirty under that flap.

Do you think a circumcised penis is more aesthetically pleasing?

Yeah. We tend to think ours is normal, not the other way around.

When did you find out the difference?

Probably in my early teens.

Was it a locker room scenario?

No, it was probably from watching porn. I was like, that shit looks crazy!

What do you think about female circumcision?

I don’t know much about it. It sounds pretty scary.

Yeah, they cut off the outer labias and the clit. What’s fucked up is that in the cultures where this is done, the mothers are usually complicit.

God bless America.

If you had a son, would you have him circumcised?

Most definitely.

Why?

Um, because that’s the way I live my life. I want my son to be just like me! [laughs.] I’d be like turtlenecks are out right now; get the deep-v.
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MICHAEL HASTINGS, 26, GREENPOINT

Are you circumcised?

Sure.

Are you straight?

What do you mean, “straight”?

Like, heterosexual.

Fuck yeah.

Okay. That ties to my next question: have you ever had sex with a girl who said she preferred the other kind of dick?

[Friend]: “An ant-eater.”

Naw. They don’t complain.

If a girl did complain or said she preferred the other kind of dick, how would that make you feel?

I wouldn’t give two shits.

So you’re happy with your parents’ decision to have you circumcised?

Yeah. Either way I make shit happen.

Some girls say that uncircumcised dick is easier to jerk off.

[laughs.]

Yeah, because the flesh under the hood is moist, like under a girl’s labias.

I prefer the dry jack.

And you prefer that girls like the dry jack instead?

Sure.

What do you think about female circumcision?

I mean, for some people it’s their culture.

It seems like they do it so women will never enjoy sex. It’s a very oppressive thing. I mean, that’s my opinion.

I mean, that kinda sucks, I guess.

Why do you think a guy getting his foreskin cut off is considered a matter of hygiene, whereas female circumcision is considered genital mutilation? Why the double-standard?

I don’t really know the history of circumcision, but if it’s gonna keep my shit clean, then write me down. But with women, I don’t see the need. But I guess you gotta pay to play.

– I mean, people in Colombia fuck donkeys.

If you had a son, would you have him circumcised?

Yeah. It’s parental downfall.

Like you’re passing on your flaws to your children?

Yeah. I guess. If it’s supposedly better to be uncircumcised, I don’t want him to have more fun than I am.

I’ve read that either way isn’t more advantageous – it’s just this weird thing we as Americans do. In Europe, apparently, no one gets cut. I mean, Jewish people do, wherever they might be. But does it seem fucked up to you to cut off little kids’ foreskins?

I don’t even know. I don’t have any regret.

Have you noticed a sort of two-tone color-way on your dick, like how the skin that used to be under your foreskin is lighter that the rest?

[laughs.]

Uh, I guess I’m talking about my own dick right here. But have you ever wondered about that as a kid?

I never was doing too many science experiments. I just took it for what is was.

If you think about your dick right now, is it one solid color, or is it two different shades?

I’d say one.
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JUSTIN BARNES, 28, GREENPOINT

Are you circumcised?

I am completely circumcised.

Are you straight?

Yes, although I do prefer lady-boys.

Like, from Thailand?

Yes. My favorite bands include Venus Flytrap, an all-lady-boy band.

That’s awesome. In Thailand lady-boys are a socially-accepted third gender.

That’s what I hear.

Have you ever had sex with a girl – or lady-boy – who said she preferred the other kind of dick?

I’m going to get serious for this one. No, I haven’t been with a girl who’s ever cared – or at least ever mentioned it to me.

Do you think you’d be more confident in the bedroom if you were uncircumcised?

I think it’d be good, because I love the shock value, when a girl sees it first, like, “what the fuck?” I just shake the head.

Which head do you shake?

Both, like this [shakes head and pelvis in unison].

Now, this makes me think what’s gonna happen when I have a kid. Should I flip a coin?

That’s my next question.

Interesting. You know what? I’m going to let my son make the decision.

When he’s a baby?

No, when he’s older. It’ll be like choose the sword: you join me, or choose the ball, and join your mother in death. It’s like the Wu album.

Some men have themselves circumcised later in life, and for four to six weeks after the operation, they aren’t allowed to masturbate or have sex. That might be a deterrent.

That might be. Does insurance cover it?

Considering American healthcare, they’d probably consider it cosmetic at that point.

Well, that’d be a lot of lawns he’d have to mow. But you know, if he saves up for it – just like his first car – I’ll pay for half.

Circumcision is the convention in America. Most people practice it not out of faith, but because –

–It’s like a health thing.

Actually, that’s a myth. It’s not any less hygienic.

It looks cooler.

You’re saying a cut dick looks cooler?

Yeah. It’s like a battle scar.

What do you think about female circumcision?

I didn’t think there was such a thing.

Yeah. In some African cultures, they cut off the outer labias and the clit so that women won’t enjoy sex, so they won’t stray from their husbands.

Really? In my experience, no woman enjoys sex.

[Laughter.]

So how would you explain this double standard: men’s circumcision is a matter of hygiene, yet women’s circumcision is considered genital mutilation?

Hmm. Genital mutilation is a tough topic. I have no idea what a mutilated vagina looks like [Pulls out an iPhone, looks up the image]. Holy shit! There’s a Youtube clip of one! Um yeah I’m gonna have to not back female circumcision. What if you took a girl home and she was circumcised?

[Friend #1]: I’d party.

[Friend #2]: I wouldn’t second guess it. There’d be no pressure to make her enjoy sex.

That’s absolutely true.

[Friend #1]: Or, she’d get you caught up in some other wild shit.

Or, she might be terrified of sex. Female circumcision must be pretty traumatic.

[Friend #2]: I think it would instantly turn her into a stripper.
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DESIREE BILLETT, 23, GREENPOINT

Are you circumcised?

No, I’m not [laughs].

Have you ever had sex with a guy who had an uncircumcised penis?

No, I have not.

What emotions (i.e. joy, fear, concern) go through your mind when you think of an uncircumcised member?

It’s definitely not joy. More like fear for him, whether he has any insecurities.

Like you might have to work him through the experience?

Yeah, exactly.

Have you ever heard that some girls prefer an uncircumcised dick?

I haven’t heard that, no. I have heard that guys maybe perform better if they’re circumcised.

I’ve heard that uncircumcised guys don’t last as long because the tip of their penis is more sensitive. Some girls say it’s easier to jerk a guy off for that reason.

Okay.

Would you agree that uncircumcised dick is like the manual transmission of penises?

Yep!

I mean, in the sense that if you were to have sex with an uncut guy, you might need instructions how to hold it…

[Laughs.] I don’t know what I’d do.

Would you have the foresight to check for any odorous smegma, also known as “dick cheese”?

Yeah, definitely. I’ve heard about how stuff can get stuck in there.

What do you think would go through your mind if you were to do the deed?

Turtleneck sweaters were pretty much what I was thinking, the way he might roll it down. I don’t know if that’s possible, though.

Would you be hesitant to perform oral sex?

Yes. I wouldn’t know if there was something else I would have to do.

I’ve heard that it feels good to run your tongue between the foreskin and the head of the penis. Is that something you’d be inclined to do on a first date, or is that something you could only do with a steady boyfriend? Would it take a close personal connection to be comfortable with that kind of intimacy?

[Laughs.] Yeah. I don’t do anything like that on the first date, for sure.

If a guy you were dating was into foreskin games, would you accommodate him?

Yeah, sure. Why not? It’s there.

If you were to have a male child, would you have him circumcised?

Yeah, I guess so. It’s what my family did, so it’s kind of like a custom. I’d go along with it.

Just for the sake of abiding by the American convention?

Yes. Any guy I’ve ever dated has been circumcised, so I figure because it’s the norm. It’d be the right thing to do.

Have you had any friends who’ve dated guys who haven’t been circumcised?

My one friend did date a guy. He was Jewish and uncircumcised.

He was Jewish and uncircumcised? How did that work out?

I don’t know. I thought it was a part of their religion–

–To cut off children’s foreskins.

Right. But he was Jewish, and he had the whole yarmulke and everything.

I wish this guy had a cruiser board. I need to interview him.

He didn’t skate, unfortunately. He lived in Crown Heights.

Did she say what it was like?

They were drunk, and it was kind of a one-night stand. You know what it was? He had just gotten circumcised but he was our age! I remember her talking about how he still had the stitches…

He’s supposed to wait four to six weeks before that shit!

I think he was just too excited.

-PETER MADSEN

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