Green Day singer Billie Joe Armstrong wears eye makeup, says “fuck,” smashes his guitar, and performs other extraordinarily punky feats.
We’ve never been exactly sure what a “Green Day” is—is that when you plant a lot of trees?—but it’s a happy, happy day for anyone who has ever hated the boys who put the “pop” and “pussy” and “poseur” and “pathetic putz” in “punk.”
Green Day singer Billie Joe Armstrong, who is just a tad under three feet tall and has been practicing a British accent for a quarter-century now, shit his diapers onstage Friday when some very wise entity—possibly God himself—cut his band’s set short to make way for taller musicians with better abs such as Usher.
In Armstrong’s highly articulate words:
“Give me a fuckin‘ break, one minute left. One minute fuckin‘ left. You’re going to give me fuckin‘ one minute? Look at that fuckin‘ sign right there. One minute! Let me fuckin‘ tell you somethin’. Let me tell you somethin’. I’ve been around since fuckin‘ 19-eighty-fuckin’-eight. And you’re gonna give me one fuckin‘ minute? You gotta be fuckin‘ kidding me! You’re fuckin‘ kidding me? What the fuck!? I’m not fuckin‘ Justin Bieber, you motherfuckers!”
Then it took him roughly three hours to smash his guitar, during which his bass player also started smashing his bass, naturally because it was the punk thing to do.
Yesterday the band released a statement on its website claiming that Armstrong was entering rehab for “substance abuse,” which allegedly includes alcohol and prescription medication.
He’s been around since fuckin‘ 19-fuckin‘-88. That’s far too fuckin‘ long. Two fuckin‘ dozen years too fuckin‘ long, to be fuckin‘ exact.
Just to milk every last bit of green from their gullible fan base, Green Day is set to release three separate albums over the coming months. What could possibly be “punker” than for Billie Joe to escape rehab, suffer a severe relapse, and choke to death on his own vomit before all three albums get released? We can’t think of anything that would be punker than that. Then again, we’re open to suggestions.