I know a while back someone said that there were friend quotas where you had to have like one old friend, one black friend and one tranny friend, but let’s be honest, it’s completely possible that you could nail that down and still have three boring losers who don’t know how to properly tip the bartender or haven’t ever listened to Wavves or something falling equally short of your young NYC altfag pretensions.

I know a while back someone said that there were friend quotas where you had to have like one old friend, one black friend and one tranny friend, but let’s be honest, it’s completely possible that you could nail that down and still have three boring losers who don’t know how to properly tip the bartender or haven’t ever listened to Wavves or something falling equally short of your young NYC altfag pretensions. That said, here are the local folks that would probably be either awesome to get wasted with or at least a solid in a situation where your friend from home comes to visit and you and another transplant are having a cool-stories-about-people-I-know pissing contest.

1. SNL CAST MEMBER

Even though the show kinda sucks now (I challenge you to come up with a worse hour and a half of TV than the Russell Brand episode), they’re still theoretically the funniest bunch in the Big Apple and since they’ve all been struggling comedians at some point, I can’t imagine any of them having their heads up their own asses too much. I met Jimmy Fallon at a shitty bar in Midtown (I know, what other kind are there? BOOSH) and he was friendly, courteous and even played something from If Your Feeling Sinister on the jukebox. And he’s like the one that gets shit on the most from the last decade! Plus, one of them has probably slept with Tina Fey and who wouldn’t want the deets on that.
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2. ONE OF THESE MOTHERFUCKERS

Though probably not much in the way of conversation, the guys will buy rounds of pricey booze to flex their delicate, lace-curtain nuts and the girls will relish the opportunity to fuck a dude who’s been to Brooklyn more than once. Also, one of them is bound to be the next Patrick Bateman and what better first-date ice-breaker than being two degrees away from the guy who got busted burying dicks, nipples and kittens in Gramercy Park?
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3. ONE OF THE GUYS FROM DAS RACIST

I know this is way played out cause this site is on their dicks like cah-ray-zay but seriously, it would be awesome to get baked and listen to rap with a few dudes whose jobs are getting baked and rapping about getting baked and listening to rap. Plus, they cover like a dozen minorities between the three of them and they went to college so it’s not like they’re gonna pull any street-cred dick-measuring-contest wackness. And you know what, fuck it, their albums are fucking dope.

Note: In a pinch you could substitute someone from the Hold Steady or Vampire Weekend or some other local band that has since outgrown the city, ’cause you still get the guy-in-a-rad-band cache without the recognized-and-constantly-harassed bullshit. But DR is def tops.
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4. SOMEBODY BORN AND RAISED IN BENSONHURST, WOODLAWN, FLUSHING…

… or any other neighborhood where no one you know is moving because it’s all provincial and residential and thus embodies that Old New York/You’s Guys/Fuck Outta Hee’a legitimacy everybody is always waxing whatever about. Ideally they would be a peer so that you don’t get all that “I’m old and lemme tell you and same apartment for 30 years and tougher back then no Puerto Ricans still get a decent bagel” bullshit. Yonkers also counts but Staten Island doesn’t unless it’s Tottenville and in that case, JACKPOT. Basically what I’m saying is their uncles all talk like Archie Bunker and one of their aunts fucked Dee Dee Ramone.
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5. SOMEBODY WHO’S AT LEAST A MODERATELY SUCCESSFUL BLOGGER

If you have a friend who writes a blog that gets read by .0004% of Brooklyn, then there are 1,000 people to whom you might as well be pals with Keith Olberman. Since actually spending time with Keith Olberman would totally suck, knowing a blogger’s actually better. If they’re a regular contributor (fuck, even if they’ve had like three things printed) to a bigger national blog, that’s even better. Talk about how you guys bounce ideas off each other and are thinking of starting your own thing and BOOM it’s the next morning and some Pratt sophomore with skin like unpasteurized milk is wearing only your shirt and handing you a cup of coffee she made with something that looks like a time machine but only more expensive.
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Obviously there are other awesome friends to have, like Drug Dealer Who’s Usually Stressed or Will Be Back In An Hour But Always Has Bud and Blow When He’s Around, or Car Guy, but those guys rule in every city or town. Get these friends in NYC and you’ll know that your 20s could not have been better unless you had been a Saudi prince or someone who’s had sex with Rihanna.

-IRON ANTLERS

Send “Dear Street Carnage” letters to SBTVC@StreetCarnage.com.

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