From about 1986 to 1988, I went to one of those rich-kid summer camps in the Berkshires of Massachusets. Anyone out there who remembers “Lake Plunkett” during this time period can vouch for this story: There was
True story, Scout’s Honor:
From about 1986 to 1988, I went to one of those rich-kid summer camps in the Berkshires of Massachusets. Anyone out there who remembers “Lake Plunkett” during this time period can vouch for this story: There was one summer camp in our Lake Plunkett Summer Camp Community that kids and counselors from all the other camps talked about. This one particular camp had one particular bunk that had engaged in such unspeakably dark behavior, that even without TMZ and the Nets of Shame having been invented, stories of their illicit activities spread like wildfire. In fact, this one bunk’s transgressions were so mind-boggling, that even during the winter off-season, their acts were still the talk of any manhattan private school boys’ clique worth their NWA casettes.
Now listen, don’t get me wrong – MY bunk was bad ASS – We regularly engaged in all kinds of contraband shit late at night- from “smoking” rolled-up pieces of paper bag, to “raids” over to the girls’ side… we even once snuck in and kidnapped a poor frightened monkey from the owner’s HOUSE – we were crazy. But never in a million years would we have dreamed of doing what THESE brave little boys did; ya see, these kids fucked each other.
Apparently, it started with circle-jerks and then handjobs, worked its way up to head, and finally to full bent-over anal. And not just one time – Every night for a month, the story went, these 12-year-olds started their own little cosa nostra so gay that it would make David Geffen gag.
Their nightly activities changed the dyamics of their bunk drastically – and soon the legend spilled over to their whole camp, and eventually to ours too. As the story goes, they ended up finally getting “busted” by one zit-faced crying little fatass who nobody would fuck.
Now, because of these poor shamed homos, OUR parents were all so hysterical that our camp owners ended-up sending home letters discreetly mitigating against their fears – adroitly sending the calming message that at night, OUR bunks were closely monitored by adults to make sure that no inappropriate behavior of ANY kind took place.
Obviously, this was absolute horseshit; our counselors were out all night every night getting high and laid – otherwise, what the fuck would be the point of being a camp counselor? Instead, they took SHIFTS being the poor OD (on-duty) bastard who had to spent his night smoking reefer on a picnic bench in front of the boys’ bunk enclave.
Now: Right in the shadow of the orgies at camp queerball, and after the soothing letters had been sent home, one of our boys was busted jacking-off in the shower. Not sure – I guess he was in there for too long, and some douchebag old-man-counselor (There were like 2 of these guys, Curt and Roger, out of 30 counselors) saw him jackin it through the space between the stall and the little green shower curtain.
Never has a boy been more embarassed – he was SENT HOME – and I still don’t know if they commanded him to leave or if he begged to be allowed to go – he had trusted a couple of guys in my bunk under life-and-death secrecy, and so of course his secret spread through the entire camp (ESPECIALLY the girls’ side) faster than you can say “viral facebook faggotry.”
There was no note sent home about this incident, however, we DID receive a talking-to from the Jewish Camp Owner about sexual urges and the inappropriateness of touching oneself in a bunk full of other boys. Never did the owner say “ESPECIALLY IN LIGHT OF THOSE FRUITS AT THE OTHER END OF THE LAKE” – but he did LITERALLY, as jesus as my witness (please someone from Lake Plunkett Camps leave a comment and back me up) tell a boy the following when the wiseass asked if it was still ok to have a wet-dream.
“Well, good question – now, that’s different. Gentlemen, a Wet Dream, is like a freebee from God.”
So at this point, we had about two weeks of camp left – no jacking off, no fucking each other, and no candy. Except for the bacon bits and hot teen girls, It was like being in an Al Qaeda training camp. Here’s what happened next:
A boy comes into the bunk being pulled by his fucking EAR – now, this is what made Thomas Edison deaf, and these days I swear that’d be enough for a fucking lawsuit. He’s being escorted in by Curt, who we called Curt Valdheim, one of the dickhead old-man counselors. He tells the kid, SANDY KRAUSKOPH – his real name, go sue streetcarnage, they’re not afraid of you – he tells the kid to pack up his stuff, that he’s going to have him kicked out of camp – then he marches off to find the owner.
So the three of them go and have some kind of meeting, which we learned later was essentially a jack-off tribunal. Result: in a STUNNING reversal and greatest blow for kids’ rights since the advent of the video game, CURT VALDHEIM the COUNSELOR was asked to leave the camp.
What the fuck happened? Well, here it is for the first time on paper:
Sandy was in a bathroom stall, trying to take a piss while Curt was shaving at the sink. So when Sandy pulls down his shorts to take a piss, he starts pissing all over the floor like a cripple – WHY? WHY was he pissing on the floor? Well, Curt looks up from the sink, and being an expert in human anatomy, he realizes that SANDY must be suffering from the old pissing-in-2-directions that occurs after you’ve recently spanked your anteater.
YES – he was pissing in two different directions: it happens to other people besides you.
Sandy MUST have wanked it (I know i had been – my own, not Sandy’s) and then gone to take a piss, not figuring that Dr. House would be there to bust his balls. So, when piss shot out the ends of his dick – BOTH SIDE, as mr. Miagi would say, it got all over the floor. Nowadays, this happens to me on a daily basis, but in Sandy’s case- Curt was there to bust him.
Subsequently, I guess even under these McCarthyistic conditions, such an allegation from a counselor was deemed way-too-fucking-creepy to be normal.
Aw cmon Big Jim- The kid was pissing out of both sides of his dick! He’s a jacker!
Wish I knew that fag’s last name so I could google him on the sex offender google maps mashup.
Well, in any case, let’s end with a Men’s health lesson, since no one is ever here to support us:
a) It’s normal to piss out of both sides of your dick after you’ve cum recently. It happens because of this.
b) It’s normal for one testicle to hang lower than the other. When you’re old like me, they’ll BOTH be hanging in the toilet so it’s harder to tell.
c) When you’re first going through puberty, it’s normal to have little white spots on your dickball-base: those are hairs trying to grow.
d) No it’s not, you have cancer.