It’s easy to tell from this picture that this person is fat. It’s a little harder to tell whether or not they have a mustache. It’s even harder to tell that it’s a woman, but apparently it is.
On Sunday, this fat and possibly mustachioed woman was spotted illegally “riding” a manatee at Fort De Soto Park in Florida, and at press time it remains uncertain whether she was “riding” it in the biblical sense or not.
A conscientious and concerned citizen dutifully took this picture and posted on the Internet, leading to a two-day witch hunt that resulted in the perpetrator, a 52-year-old woman with one of those Spanish names, turning herself in to authorities, whom we hope will administer swift, brutal, irreversible, and permanently disfiguring justice.
Although Street Carnage is an urban website, we believe that nature should still exist in small, regulated “natural” preserves and theme parks that are carefully corralled and monitored by governmental agents. We reserve a special soft spot in our heart for the gentle and lumbering manatees, which we view as God’s turds that have gently dropped from heaven. In no manner should they be molested, especially from fat mustachioed women with one of those Spanish names.