Look, I don’t even like horses.
A girlfriend once talked me into going horseback-riding in San Diego. We get there, my male ego takes over and I choose the largest horse available while thinking, “All right, no matter what I’m gonna look like a huge fag on this thing, but at least I’ll be on the biggest horse.”
Right? Wrong. This fuckin’ beast was huge it was basically like doing the splits to sit on it. Fast-forward to five hours later and I’m back in my apartment in Long Beach unable to walk from such a sore taint, I would have thought someone let Mike Tyson loose on my asshole. It was awful. Fuck horses.
But that doesn’t give me the right to set one on fire. I just read a news story about a six-year-old horse, “Northstar,” struggling to survive in Pennsylvania after someone doused the poor thing in a flammable substance and set it ablaze. The owners found him in the woods whimpering for help. His face was burned down to the bone, his eyelashes gone and the hair in his ears and nostrils gone. Plus both his neck and back were severely burned. I want to find whoever did this, tie a rope around their neck, and then toss their ass over the side of a bridge.
The horse is currently being given pain medications, antibiotics, and ointments to help with the burns and let’s hear it for the owner choosing not to put a bullet through Northstar’s crisp skull and returning to watch Dancing with the Stars. We salute you, Bob Woodworth (the owner). Obviously, if you’re rich enough to own horses, you can scrape together a few thousand bucks for medical treatment. FYI: His wife is going to suck his cock so hard tonight he might need some of that ointment himself.
So basically Pennsylvania has a serial killer on their hands because these are the kind of actions from delusional people just before they snap completely and go on a 45-year killing spree. The fuzz needs to find this dickhole quick before two dozen people go missing. Think I’m talking out of my asshole?
This is Jeffrey Dahmer. He killed 17 people. Before that, he liked to dissect dead animals and put dog heads on stakes.
This is Albert DeSalvo, better known at the “Boston Strangler.” He murdered 13 people. Before that, he liked to trap dogs and cats and then shoot them with arrows.
This is Edmund Kemper, better known as “The Co-ed Killer.” He murdered 10 people, including his own mother. Before that, he liked to kill neighborhood cats, cut them up into tiny pieces and put their heads on poles.
This is David Berkowitz, better known as the “Son of Sam.” He murdered six people. Before that, he liked to abuse dogs and even shot one after believing the animal was an evil force.
This is Ted Bundy. He’s believed to have murdered 36+ people. Before that, he liked to torture animals, as did his father.
This is Andrew Cunanan. He’s the little weirdo that murdered five people, including Gianni Versace. Before that, he liked to gather up crabs and then burn their eyes out with matches.
I’ve made my point and the local po-po needs to get with it. The only bummer is the fact Pennsylvania has very lenient animal-cruelty laws and even if this asshole is caught, so much as nothing will be done. But if this was my court, he/she would have the choice of having their own face burnt off or being buttfucked by a horse. You think I’m joking, but this is a fair situation in my eyes.
So this person will roam free until 13 decapitated baby heads show up in the basement of the local gym teacher’s home and then everyone’s like, “Shit, maybe we should have listened to Jesse.”