We did it again, Florida.
Just when the other states momentarily stopped thinking about the insanity that is the Sunshine State we triumphantly whipped America’s dick out, took photos with our super phones, and sent them to the rest of the pussies in the nation to remind them who’s still king. Once again, the rest of the country is asking, “What’s in the water down there?” Just so you know, it’s lizard pee. Yeah, California has their weirdos, their silly weed colleges. Texas has it’s delusions and size anxiety. All states have their kinks. Anyone can be zany, anyone can be vain, but insane? That’s special. That’s talent. In this, Florida reigns supreme.
Are you a fan of sausages? Do you like strolling nude through retirement homes? We do, too! Out of coke and heroin? No worries, just break into someone’s house and snort their dead father’s (and his pets) ashes. Speaking of coke, drug dealers are pretty shady right? No problem, in Florida, even God sells cocaine. What’s that you say? All the kids are flunking tests and can’t read? Simple, just lower the passing grade, reading’s for fags anyway. As you can see, in Florida, anything is possible. That became even more evident when a few days ago, a Charlotte County man subpoenaed a dog to be his witness in court.
He was ticketed for failing to use his turn signal and after meeting McGee (who might actually be made of weed) the deputy immediately had the K-9 search for drugs. None were found, so hoping to get out of the failure to signal ticket by having the same dog search for weed that was to be planted in the courtroom is the exact kind of crazy that makes Florida the Egg McMuffin of insanity. Rodney McGee is now a Florida legend. When there’s a Mount Rushmore of Florida, presumably made of sand, McGee will be right there next to Casey Anthony, the dog that ran his owner over with a pickup truck, and, of course, Burt Reynolds.
*EDIT* No fucking lie, as I was writing this story, Florida struck again with an even crazier story:
A Miami man, high off probably the purest blow known to man, with the most severe coke-jaw of all time decided to chew off a homeless man’s face until cops had to shoot him a half dozen times, finally killing him, since the first shots didn’t faze the lunatic who kept feasting on man-face. Oh yeah, he was naked the whole time. Jesus.
You still got it, Florida. It’s not even close. I thought naming a dog as your star witness was out there but you went ahead and topped yourself yet again.
Suck it, rest of America (no but seriously, nuke us, it’s the only way to end the horror).
Or just hire Bugs Bunny.
—GOAT SAMPSON
Here’s a closer pic of zombie bro (NSFW): https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/525043_375215955869567_854821924_n.jpg
Turns out he was on coke and a really potent batch of LSD, nicknamed “bat salts.” Sorry y’all, I’ve only done regular coke and regular LSD so I can’t elaborate on this one.
Dude has a really nice ass!
You mean “bath salts.” Nobody seems to know what the fuck it is but it definitely has nothing to do with baths or salt.
http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/features/bath-salts-drug-dangers
Holy shit, his face really is half gone. Fuck. This is the second time I have ever heard about bath salts, and both involve cannibalism.
But did he have to be black? I like my cannibalism stories to have a dash of unpredictability.
Can you imagine if someone were to weaponize “Bath Salts” into an airborne contagion? It wouldn’t quite be “Dawn of the Dead”, but it would definitely be more like “28 Days Later.” The zombie fanboys would finally get their wish of an apocalypse.
@RED yeah, I knew it was bath salts (read the same story as everyone else) and almost commented again to correct myself but figured, fuck it, bat salts sounds more bad ass.
If I’m high up in the military, fuck opium, I’m selling this drug around insurgent areas.
There was a UF cop in Gainesville who shot a guy in the face that was having a mental breakdown that a bunch of them couldnt subue, even though the guy needed a cane to get around and was obviously crazy. And the same guy was involved in an incident before that where him and some off duty GPD cops got caught throwing eggs at possible prostitutes and drug dealers. Neither of these things got him fired though, and they only decided to can him when he threatened to shoot some guy he pulled over for wreckless driving
http://www.gainesville.com/article/20110901/ARTICLES/110909932
Let’s talk about Daytona