Gawker Media is THE bad joke that keeps on telling itself. You might be familiar with some of their more high-profile sites….

JEZEBEL
SC readers should be pretty familiar with these harridans. Jezebel is what happens if you dig up Betty Friedan, reanimate her corpse with a car battery, make her even more batshit insane, give her forty years worth of entitlement and five years of postgrad whining from cloistered college lesbians, and shove a Web server up her dead ass. I once read something about these kinds of women in which the author cited the “holiness around their holes.” This is a website dedicated to the concept. There you can learn that childbirth procedures are actually rape conspiracies, Rihanna is a dirtbag for liking to show off her body, Sandra Fluke is a patriot for demanding Catholics pay for her birth control, and why punching a guy for saying lewd words is OK because you’re standing up for yourself as a strong, proud womyn, even though you’d hop like a bunny rabbit to the police if the asshole hit you back.

FLESHBOT
Even the most hackneyed of Web designers agrees that if you put enough pictures of hot broads doing unequivocally nasty things to themselves and other people, it will ensure that the site is more than interesting enough to keep people coming back for more. Fleshbot achieves the miraculous, alchemizing hot pussy into cold cottage cheese. Don’t ask me how they do it. Their page seems to be geared toward bisexuals, as the gay and straight content is intermixed unless you click GAY or STRAIGHT at the top. This means that if you swing in one direction exclusively and are (inexplicably) excited by anything on their page, your boner will be constantly rising and falling at a quicker pace than the stock market. They also shill for a “XXX Free Dating Site,” which when I activated my firewall wouldn’t even show up in my browser due to the fact that I’ve got it configured against spyware, adware, and malware sites. If you need any more proof that their site is a snooze factory, they seem to have a thing for Sasha Grey, whom I consider to be one of the most boring porn stars ever to be shat onto the general public by Porn Valley. Make your own conclusions. After all, it’s porn, right? I’ve not included any links, because better porn can be found elsewhere:

KOTAKU
I love video games. I’ve been playing them since I was old enough to hold an Atari 2600 joystick. If I were to become a regular reader of Kotaku, I’d probably start hating games or anything that appears on a screen. Here is a website whose editorial staff comes up with brilliant ideas such as Apple buying out Nintendo so the latter can stay competitive in the handheld gaming market. If that’s not video games enough for you, then how about this confessional by some dude who didn’t know that ocarinas didn’t exist outside The Legend of Zelda? Or how about this little nugget about how to turn your old Super Nintendo games into (no shit) a urinal? They even mention hipsters.

LIFEHACKER AND GIZMODO
Do you live or die by online social networking? Dream about keyboard shortcuts? Obsess about your phone so much you wish it had functional genitalia? Hope to one day craft DIY knickknacks that would ostracize you from the general public and make you the laughingstock of people with actual tactile skill? Have I got a couple of websites for you! I can’t tell the difference between them. Some of the highlights: They call James Bond a pussy for wanting his drinks shaken, not stirred, making your dreams come true with five bucks and serious amounts of self-delusion, and fretting over large corporations offering free drive space for your collection of furry porn. If we were to suddenly be bombed back to the Stone Age, these guys would still be trying to teach people how to get the most out of that charred pointy stick they just found. It’s resourcefulness at its worst and uselessness at its best.

GAWKER
The mothership of this soon-to-be-dead empire is a no-holes-barred gay rodeo of crap no one cares about, fruitless whining, and a defiant pride in their own shittiness. They run headlines such as “Zooey Deschanel Described as Sparkly” alongside political pieces that run roughly the breadth of   Zooey Deschanel being described as “sparkly” could be taken seriously by even the most dedicated of celebrity gossip following shut-ins. One of their latest ADHD gems is a blurb about the debate between Piers Morgan and the hyper-annoyingly smug “journalist” named “Touré ” over the Trayvon Martin brouhaha. Here’s the article in its verbose entirety:

On tonight’s Piers Morgan Tonight, Piers got into it with MSNBC’s Touré, who was extremely annoyed about the way Piers had handled his interview with George Zimmerman’s brother, Robert, the previous night. The exchange got pretty heated and Touré landed some serious blows on Piers.

That’s it. They supplement this Shakespearean text with video proof of the blow-landing, or the land-blowing, or whatever it was that happened. Problem is, they edited out the part where Morgan hands the smarmy little pseudo-eloquent fool his ass, which is about seven minutes worth of footage. They even went after 4chan over Trayvon, which is never a good idea no matter how many shitty websites you have backing your play.

HONORABLE MENTION: THE COMMENTERS
Imagine that the comments section of any given website is a movie. Now imagine it’s Forrest Gump, except everyone is retarded. Congratulations. You’ve just summed up probably around 80% of the comments on any Gawker Media site, and I’m being conservative with that figure. Here are a few excerpts:

“Did Current TV simply use Keith (Olbermann) to gain attention and higher ratings? They KNEW what they were getting! Keith injects emotion into his commentary, his intelligent and incisive reporting, his humor, and his relationships….all of which makes his program so interesting. You FEEL his pain, you FEEL his anger, and you FEEL his heart-felt sincerity when he covers a story. He’s never just a talking head! If Keith is absent from Current TV, then I too will be absent from Current TV. Keith is unique- one of the best- hands down; as shown by is coverage of OWS, which was outstanding. I wish him well and hope he is back on the air soon.” (from Gawker)

“I actually dislike Janice Dickinson MUCH more than I dislike Kim Kardashian. Kim seems vapid and is vaguely useless, but Janice Dickinson is a fat-shaming, sizeist piece of trash who ought to be tarred and feathered herself.” (from Jezebel)

“What can’t the PC do that a console can?” (from Kotaku. I didn’t understand it, either.)

—NATHAN LOWERY

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