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Because I get a huge (although cheap and easy) rush from calling other people racists, I am loudly announcing that last night, while all you pampered bourgeois hipster faggots were K-holin’ and E-rollin’ in your slimy little 99%-white gayrod clubs, I was dutifully giving candy to hungry and disadvantaged black children in my neighborhood.
Because I get a huge (although cheap and easy) rush from calling other people racists, I am loudly announcing that last night, while all you pampered bourgeois hipster faggots were K-holin’ and E-rollin’ in your slimy little 99%-white gayrod clubs, I was dutifully giving candy to hungry and disadvantaged black children in my neighborhood.
You all talk the talk about ending racism, but I walk the walk. I chose to live in a zip code that is blacker than Harlem. I have consciously surrounded myself with African-Americans like a teenaged white girl fills her bedroom with Justin Timberlake posters. And for this reason alone, I am a better person than you.
I dressed up in my “Ronald Reagan at the Ranch” outfit and my wife was a kitty-cat. My three-month-old son fell asleep at 7PM, which was probably for the best, because he was dressed in a “chicken” costume which may have offended some of the trick-or-treaters.
Night fell quietly. Then all at once, as if obeying some ancient instinct that led them to roam together on the plains of the Kalahari, a “posse” of at least fifteen black children knocked on our door. I held out our bowl of candy for them, and within three seconds, all of the candy was gone. Many of the sassier children complained that they weren’t able to get a Reese’s Cup, which seemed to be an especially prized item among our neighborhood’s youth.
I told them I was sorry, but that was all the candy we had.
I was lying, but for a higher purpose. I wanted some of the other black children in the neighborhood to have some candy, too. But still I feel bad for having lied to black children, seeing as my ancestors have been lying to black children for at least 400 years now.
After the justifiably agitated gaggle of black children left, we filled up our bowl with the remaining candy. Our next visitor was a 13-year-old male wearing a cape and a mask with long white hair and a long white beard. “What do we have goin’ on here?” I asked him good-naturedly. “Are you Fu Manchu?”
“Nah,” he replied stoically. “Ahm a wizzid.”
I noticed that his adult guardian was not willing to come up from the streets onto our front patio. Instead, just as the adult guardians of the previous posse had done, he stood thirty feet away in the darkness, eyeing us suspiciously as if he feared we would somehow harm his child. Given the historical record, such wariness is understandable.
Seeing that we indeed had been lying about having no more candy left, a few renegade members of the previous pack came running back up to our front door.
“Y’all done got jacked for your candy by some of the older kids,” one of them told us.
Again I felt bad for having lied to them, but now I also felt bad for having been jacked.
They consciously sifted through our candy bowl in order to procure more Reese’s Cups for themselves.
“Y’all like them Reese’s Cups, don’t you?” my wife asked them.
They did not reply. When they were gone, I admonished my wife for having addressed them in such a manner. It was almost as if she had said, “YOU PEOPLE really like Reese’s Cups,” which would have been unforgivable.
After a few more knocks on the door, the children stopped coming. It was almost as if word had rapidly spread through the village that the white people were out of candy. I felt even more guilt and regret for this, because I had dusted off some lollipops and Sugar Daddies someone had given me after my brain surgery and was willing to give these to the black children.
Wifey and I then sat on the couch and talked about how it felt to be overwhelmed by blacks at a rate of fifteen-to-two. For once, we realized what it felt like to be a minority, and it didn’t feel good. We even felt worse about who we are and what we’d done, and everyone can agree that this is a good thing.
you sir are amazing
awesome. My favorite post in a long time
Well played.
haha very funny motherfucka. buy some more candy next year you cheap bastard.
You felt like a Minority???
That is the whitest thing I have ever heard in my life
I am very blanche and I was a minority when I lived in Africa. It’s different being a white minority though; different in every way possible.
Nah ahm a wizzid!!! YEAH!
I moved into a black neighborhood so I could complain about living in a black neighborhood.
hahahaha!
I went to a halloween party last night, where the only black person there was a guy in brown body paint dressed as Mr. T.
that was kinda funny
so good – this rocked.
Night fell quietly…this was my favorite part. Props, white man
he loved this post and so do i. great job.
LOVE THIS.
the pics are funny
black kids are so darn cute
Put yo peanut butta in da choclate
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081101/ap_on_re_us/trick_or_treat_killing
so it would seem that he went purposefully oout of his way to live in a black neighborhood so that he wouldn’t feel bad… and so that he can feel so superior to every other white person who ddoesn’t got out of their way to kiss a black man’s ass…. that just as racist as a lynching
chuckleberry you’re a fucking retard, go back to the sports pages
In my white neighborhood, no one trick or treats anymore. When I was a kid we went hard for like four hours. Now everyone’s scared of razors in the Snickers or some nonsense. Apparently, the youth in Hotlanta didn’t get the memo.
sort of amusing
your writing has vastly improved however
You’re wife said “y’all”–how white.
Spooky!
^ yo dis bitch is azian. chex it owt!
You call them trick or treaters.
I call them suspects.
hahahaha maybe one of them left a bag of dope in return for the candy
You all talk the talk about ending racism, but I walk the walk. I chose to live in a zip code that is blacker than Harlem. I have consciously surrounded myself with African-Americans like a teenaged white girl fills her bedroom with Justin Timberlake posters. And for this reason alone, I am a better person than you.
get the fuck over yourself
^ It’s called being sarcastic and having a sense of humor.
But I note the fact Jim, who’s been accused of being a virulent racist all the time, probably isn’t as racist as the rest of America including most upper-middle class liberal white bloggers because the LAST place any nigger hating racist would want to move to is the Southeast. Especially Atlanta.
i don’t know which is more offensive, this moron’s heavy handed attempt at “irony”, or the assholes commenting who take his generic white guilt rhetoric seriously. having said that, i would have jacked all of yo’ reeses, and then called you and your wife white devils. ‘cuase its halloween.
“You’re wife said “y’all”–how white.”
It’s a Southern expression.
Beverly Hillbillies:
“Y’all come back now, ya hear?”
ressponse to blognigger? don’t be sorry for the things you did not do.
I can’t wait to move to the Italian neighborhod two blocks away. The noisy Puerto Ricans love to have salsa dance parties on the sidewalk in front of my apartment at 11:30 pm on weekdays. Music at full-fucking-blowout volume.
Although, I was able to second-hand watch a porno through some guys window while I smoked a dirt out front last night. So maybe I should stay.
you moved to a black neighborhood cause its all you could afford.
death breath you a basehead
Who lets kids (of any color) pick candy from the bowl at Halloween? Everyone knows the homeowner picks a handful (or just one piece) of candy out of the bowl and puts it in the kids’ bags!