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The Winter Holidays have been popular for thousands of years, since way back when early Christians were sneaky, manipulative little beady-eyed pricks.
The Winter Holidays have been popular for thousands of years, since way back when early Christians were sneaky, manipulative little beady-eyed pricks. The world’s first Jews for Jesus knew they had zero chance of a large following solely through a religion that frowned on drinking, dancing, getting laid and any sort of fun in general –- this meant they had to appropriate certain elements of the dominant pagan culture to draw people into their soul-sucking trap. Enter the Saturnalia.
Roman officials created the Saturnalia in the third century BCE to alleviate pain and misery felt during a ruinous war against Carthage. After getting their asses handed to them by Hannibal and his superior army of elephant-riding mongrels (who later turned into Muslims), Rome needed the most epic distraction ever concocted by a society of boy-diddling hedonists.
Along with the exchange of small gifts and an expected level of citywide drunkenness, the Saturnalia was to be a day-long, jubilant celebration of the god Saturn (doiye). The festival was noted in particular for its treatment of slaves, who were supposed to be allowed to act like masters for the day, meaning no punishment, torture, obeisance or manual labor. Slaves and the rest of the city also wore pointy caps, called freedman’s caps, which looked a whole lot like jolly ol’ Saint Nick’s pointy hat:
Revelers also decorated trees with ornaments, and, much like Christmas starting earlier and earlier each year, saw the extension of the festival to an entire week by JC’s own time (Julius Caesar’s, dummy). People everywhere considered the Saturnalia to be the best time of the entire year, full of drunkenness and jack-assery — a festival they simply couldn’t do without. This is precisely why early Christians had to join it instead of beat it. And be glad they did.
Early Jesus-freaks did their damndest to make Satan look like a satyr and write the Bible in the world language, thus scaring/appealing to the world’s lowest common denominator, respectively, but still found in the Saturnalia an unflappable adversary — a full week was occupied by debauchery, human sacrifice (see: Lord of Misrule) and Fleetwood Mac levels of sin. What to do?
Not as holy as Easter, but still a major holiday, Christmas’ exact time of observance was less important than Easter’s, leaving that weaselly church with a perfect opportunity to move into pagan territory: The Church allowed Christians to enjoy the Saturnalia’s festivities, so long as they declared the day AFTER the LAST day of Saturnalia (December 25th) Jesus’ birthday. The Christmas Season gradually then took on the character of the Saturnalia under the guise of Jesus’ birthday celebration, which was really most likely in the summer. However, back then, much like today, Xmas was just a time to get cool shit and drink with your buddies.
Along with the abovementioned superficial similarities, the early Church decided to lure in pagans by conceding many of its own beliefs by merging Christmas with Saturnalia. This is exactly what PETA does when it has some celebrity posing in a cage with her tits flying out in order to end animal exploitation. This is the beauty of Christmas for someone who isn’t a fan of Christianity: The religion’s biggest holiday is also its greatest subversion. A mall in December is more damaging to Christianity than Nietzsche’s Greatest Hits, and I think that’s just swell. The early church almost literally sold its soul to the devil for popularity in return. How perfect is that.
Listening to this frumpy hag shriek about Ein Tannenbaum is the shrillest death knell of Christianity, and I love it for that reason.
The act of conspicuous consumption is in and of itself anti-Christian, suggesting that lying within the rotten core of this religion is the rotten core of everyone’s favorite holiday. This means that every time you watch A Christmas Story, kiss under mistletoe, drink eggnog, give/receive presents, etc., you are effectively hammering nails into the coffin of an already very decrepit and soulless belief system… More eggnog, please! This reminder warms my innards to the point that a Norman Rockwell can make me smile bigger than a Gee Vaucher. I love the holidays.
But with all that said, I hope I didn’t annoy any of you. You, the Street Carnage reader, have already given me the gift of motivation (i.e. calling me a fag), so I leave you with this one, very Catholic, Christmas gift as a token of my gratitude below. Enjoy!
Look. As long as I get a new shirt, an electronic gizmo and a bottle of something, you can sing Christmas carols, dance around the maypole or sacrifice a goat for all I care.
which celebrities have showed their tits in cages for PETA?
Just to comment on that Matt Mulholland video. My friends and I used to to do that all the time with Black Flag songs.
well as long as i get 2 out of 3 of the holy triumvirate of sex drugs and the devil’s music, things’ll be ok.
thank you for this. i cant wait to send it to my entire Catholic bleeding family
Um, you know Christianity started as an astrological story, right? And that the entire Christian vs. Pagan fight comes from the fact that Christianity was the cool new cosmopolitan understanding of the old ways? Shit dude, calling someone a “pagan” back then was the equivalent of us calling someone a redneck now, it literally meant “a person from the country.” Srsly, the Son(sun) of God dies on the cross (the 4 equinoxes), and is reborn 3 days later (happy birthday Yeshua Ha-Nozri!). The 3 kings was a reference to Orion’s Belt. The entire religion didn’t become what it did until Augustus Caesar held that council in 500 AD to decide what Christianity would be about to stop the fall of the Roman Empire (yeah, that worked). All’s I’m saying is, they didn’t have mega-ultra-Voltron churches with 5 year old preachers trying to stop the Roman kids from having sexy fun.
You say “has-been”? I say nay, “never-was”.
Potshots against Christianity? Damn, you’re so edgy and political!
liked it
Historical perspective is always appreciated. Kudos. Hewing to fact will always and forever thoroughly embarrass every organized religion.
Yooshi Ya-Hozna?
Isn’t that a Zappa track?
I wonder if Christians have a caustic, witty, street-style sartorial kind of irreverent youth culture website were they have a lot of posts like this but in reverse?
Well done. Thanks for the history lesson. Drink up!
fag