Exciting and beautiful photos are coming from NASA’s Chandra X-Ray Observatory these days.
The photos depict nebulas, dying stars that blow away all of their outer gaseous layers, in the process turning into awesome kaleidoscopic explosions of color and light.
None of that is of any concern to Alexander Broughton, a 20-year-old Pi Kappa Alpha frat boy from the University of Tennessee. His anus has suddenly become famous due to a drunken incident that will surely follow him for some time.
Alexander was allegedly admitted to the hospital on the verge of dying from alcohol poisoning, and with injuries to his anus, something the doctors first interpreted as a sign of sexual abuse. But Alexander’s friends explained to them that he had partaken in a session of “butt-chugging,” a hazing ritual where you receive one or more alcohol enemas, in this case an enormous amount of wine through a rubber tube inserted into Alexander’s rectum.
I’ve never understood why some people do these things—I mean alcohol enemas, alcohol tampons in their asses, or doing drugs in new and absurd ways to become as fucked-up as absolutely possible. It’s bad enough that it’s often extremely dangerous, but it’s also a matter of self-worth; how much dignity do you have left when you’re lying spread-eagled on the floor surrounded by other guys who are chanting your name while they pour booze into your shit machine?
There’s a twist in Alexander Broughton’s case, though. Obviously upset about becoming world-famous as the guy who drank alcohol with his ass and almost died, a visibly annoyed Broughton held a deeply weird press conference last Tuesday to tell the media that he was indeed dangerously drunk that fateful night, but not because of butt-chugging. Instead, he had participated in a drinking game called “Tour de Franzia,” where the participants race to finish a box of Franzia wine.
Broughton told the press that he’s a Christian “who would never desecrate my body in that manner. To do so would be against God’s law.”
Whatever you say, Anus Boy.
Someone is lying here and I wanna know who it is. There are now some questions that need answers: Did Alexander’s friends lie about how he had gotten the rectal damage? If so, how did his rectum become damaged?
According to Broughton, the injuries to his anus resulted from his drunken body being lifted by his belt, causing “my shorts to be forced into my crotch area, at which time I was told that I defecated on myself.”
Nah, I don’t think so, Clint Asswood.
With my inner Sherlock Holmes intrigued, I’ve developed my own theory: Alexander Broughton is a hard shitter.
He shits hard.
When Alexander goes to the toilet, it’s a vicious fight between man and turd.
He’s Captain Ahab locked in an eternal fight with a big brown whale that is often hard to find, but when it does show up, violence and destruction happen. There will be blood.
That’s why I think Alexander had damages to his rectum when he showed up at the hospital that night. He took a shit earlier that day. And that might also explain how he became so godawful drunk; his whole body was exhausted after a particularly difficult struggle with his own stool.
This is just a theory, of course, but look at Alexander’s picture:
He looks like a guy who shits hard, doesn’t he? I bet he has damaged several toilets in his life.
However, according to an article in Metro Pulse, butt-chugging alcohol seems to indeed be a part of Pi Kappa Alpha culture:
According to Dr. John, a former Greek himself during his college years, one of his closest friends is also a (former) Pi Kappa Alpha, or Pike. “For years I’ve been trying to get him to tell me the secret Pike handshake, and he just won’t do it,” Dr. John says. “Then when this stuff happened with the rectal chugging, I called him and I asked, what the hell is going on? He said, oh, that? That’s nothing. It’s just part of the secret handshake.”
The plot thickens. Something smells rotten here, and it’s not just Alexander’s anus.
But whatever turns out to be the truth, Alexander Broughton’s name and face will now forever be linked to his own asshole.
Alex, m’laddio, you better just make the best of it. Flaunt that anus, boy! Learn how to play the flute with it. Make it do tricks. Get the butthole on the road and make people laugh. At least then you’ll do some good, both for yourself and for others. You can probably forget becoming president now, so reach for stardom instead.
I can already see Alexander’s anus blacking up and performing “Mammy.” It can even provide its own shoe polish.
As stars are dying millions of miles away from us, a new star is born within our midst, ladies and gentlemen. It’s brown and smells funky, but goddamnit, it’s a star nonetheless! Let us welcome this hideous miracle and give praise.