I’m 33 years old. You probably think 33 years old is an eternity away from your life in the room you just rented in Prospect Heights, but your day will come.
I’m 33 years old. You probably think 33 years old is an eternity away from your life in the room you just rented in Prospect Heights, but your day will come. I remember turning 25 and my 24-year-old friend was like, “Whoa. 25? That’s old.” The point is: You will age whether you like it or not, so I will try in vain to prepare you for it. Most people have to make the mistakes themselves to learn, but I’m giving you a freebie right here that you’ll ignore.
1) DON”T GO INTO DEBT
Not to get all Dave Ramsey on that ass, but debt is the reason everything that blows blows. How can you be less than broke? Debt has become a way of life in America and most of our parents are going to have to keep working until they’re dead to pay off all the shit they couldn’t afford while they were alive. Before 1950, you actually had to save up money to buy something you wanted. Rich people still do that today. Imagine applying that logic to today’s rappers, pop stars, and NFL rookies?
Don’t cosign for anyone ever. Why do they need you to cosign for them anyway? Oh, that’s right. They suck at paying back money. That’ll probably work out great for the cosigner.
Credit equals debt. If you can’t afford it, don’t buy it—this includes higher education. My friends and I all have college degrees and none of us use them for shit. I agree that college can be an enriching experience, but you can get that at a state school. Besides, it’s way better to be one of 200 in a small scene at a resource-filled college of normals than blend in with the ten thousand art kids at a private university.
2) CHOOSE THE RIGHT CHICK/DUDE.
If your friends hate your girlfriend, guess what? She’s POISON (never trust a big butt and a smile).
Try to evaluate your relationship as an outsider. This is pretty much impossible to do, but if you have an inkling that your mate is wrong for you, you’re right—she is. Choose wisely, my young friends. The chick that is waaaay down for threesomes is someone you might wistfully masturbate to for the rest of your life, but she will probably not make a great wife. BTW, getting divorced nullifies the marriage. The point is to STAY married, not just buy rings.
Girls, you know how to get the right dude, too. Slut it up just enough keep him interested, but feign purity. When two people are really ready and right for each other, it’s easy. My wife and I are total opposites, but our minds meet in places where it counts—like our stringent atheism and hatred of China.
Also, have kids early. I know you go your first 25-30 years trying NOT to get pregnant at all costs, but it is harder to do than you think. Girls, start thinking about it now. Get proactive and look for a dude that will be a great DADDY (that means awesome with kids AND has a job). Use your innate wisdom and realize that face tattoos are not gonna cut it when you have to provide for a kid.
I just had my first son Sharky (yes, his real name) on Monday and it’s an experience that cannot be rivaled. This is only the beginning.
Photos of me and Sharky (33 years apart). We both have the reddest nutsacks allowed by law, but it’s a federal offense to show infant nutsacks.
3) SIMPLIFY YOUR LIFE
If your life is rough, you’re probably making it that way. Instead of thinking, “Why does this shit always happen to me?” think, “How can I improve my sitch?” Do you have any friends who got their phone cut off, a court subpoena, and a flat tire in the same week? Me, too. These people are called “losers,” and it’s no accident that they are a complete fucking mess. As fun as they are to hang out with sometimes, they will eventually burn you, and it’s best to cut them loose. You don’t want to be the smartest person in your clique; find some new friends who will stimulate you and not get you arrested.
Simplify other stuff, too. Get rid of clothes you haven’t worn in six months. Got a storage unit? Get rid of that crap. It doesn’t matter what you paid for your turntables, if you’re using Serato now, put that shit on eBay. Less possessions, dude. Low overhead. Learn how to cook and stop doing the Happy Gilmore and eating pieces of shit for breakfast.
4) DON’T GET FAT
Take a stroll down Main Street and see what kind of fucking walruses you can spot. These disgusting creatures scoot around on life support and park in the blue spots at Walmart. Shit didn’t used to be this way. There is no reason for self-inflicted obesity. In fact, there is no reason why you shouldn’t be in the best shape of your life right now.
“But Kennedy, I have a slow metabolism / fat parents / an injury / a gift card for Red Lobster!!!!”
Guess what? Just like poor people, the cards are stacked against you. You have two options: Persevere or complain about how it’s not fair. Most people complain about not having time to go to the gym or some bullshit like that. We all have 24 hours in a day, man. How you choose to spend them is your thing.
5) GET A JOB/LIFE
Some people get hired and some don’t. I wonder why the employer chose that guy? Hint: It has absolutely nothing to do with grad school. For fuck’s sake, make an impression on people. I’m not saying to be fake at a job interview, I’m telling you to make an impression on EVERYONE. Let everyone who knows you know that you are a stand-up guy. “Oh, Jake? Yeah, that guy rules! He’s really got it together.” Get shit done. Concentrate on one thing at a time and do twice as much shit. Instead of piddling around with your thesis and this and that, DO ONE FUCKING THING UNTIL COMPLETION. Repeat. Pretty soon, you’ll have a body of work we can all be proud of.
Just like married dudes attract uncommon amounts of pussy, already having a job when you go into a job interview will tip the scales in your favor. Your would-be employer is impressed with the FACTS that:
A) Someone is ALREADY paying you to do something;
B) You’re SO motivated that the thing you’re doing now isn’t good enough for you.
Also, you’re not crazy desperate to take just any offer, because let’s face it—you already have a job. Adulthood’s oh-so-simple yet mind-blowing logic rings true. Do more than everyone else and you can have more than anyone else.
—KENNEDY
@NOadventure.com
This is the smartest thing I’ve read on this website. Well done.
“The chick that is waaaay down for threesomes is someone you might wistfully masturbate to for the rest of your life, but she will probably not make a great wife.”
–Couldn’t disagree more. The opposite is more likely to be true.
This would have been much better without the surprise nutsack at the start..
“It doesn’t matter what you paid for your turntables, if you’re using Serato now, put that shit on eBay.”
this would be excellent advice, except for the fact that Serato is pointless without turntables. Also if you have Technics, DO NOT sell them, because as you probably know they have been discontinued.
Everything but the Serato advice is a bullseye.
Get a job, get into a good relationship and stay out of debt. When did this website turn into a faggy advice column?
YES! Love this.
And THANK YOU SO MUCH for not showing your new born son’s junk.
i’m about to turn 32, i have absolutely no interest in reading this, but i’m 100% down with the advice contained in the subtitles… especially the thing about being fat, cause i used to be fat and i unfatted myself this year… and yeah, pussy is a great thing
Good advice, I guess, but really this could have been written in the 1950s. In fact, this ‘advice’ is what our western civilization is based on. You know, ‘Neither a borrower or lender be” etc etc. Doesn’t seem to be working that great, does It? Maybe dig a little deeper and come up with something that can’t be discerned by glancing at a Norman Rockwell painting.
“Doesn’t seem to be working that great, does It?”
Bingo! Dumbest comment all week! The reason the economy’s in the shitter might have something to do with the government borrowing $15 trillion more than it could afford. In 1950, the total government debt was about one-sixtieth of what it is now.
Cock photo at the top courtesy of StreetCarnage editors. Not my choice.
and what is this?
I’m sexually confused. On the one hand he’s dispensing rather solid advice here. On the other hand I’m a cowardly wage slave sitting at work who was suddenly scared that my boss would see the cock photo.
That dude smoking the pipe is a huge hipster.
I agree with hugh johnson, this was great except for the shudder inducing picture, I mean what the fuck
bad advice on advising to have children. Dude has no idea that this kid will ruin his life. He is now a slave. Kid=liabilities. Having a kid is worse than being massively in debt. worst time to have a kid is when you are young. best time is when you are 60 yrs old with some money, some time, and some wisdom.
@flatus brainus. Touche. But I would argue that the seeds of our current economic malaise were planted soon after WWII, where a well-earned optimism was unfortunately tied to the idea of endless growth and wealth accumulation, not to mention an economy based upon an addiction to armed conflict. Just throwing that out there, brainiac.
How perverted is it to preface your post with a piped boner man and then flower out the junk of some little baby. Closet baby rapists? I guess atheists and catholics have somethign in common afterall.
Yeah, great way to make life seem fucking dull and depressing.
THIS IS GREAT ADVICE YOU GUYS AND WE SHOULD ALL LISTEN TO IT. I ALWAYS GET GOOD ADVICE FROM WEBSITES WITH BONER IN THE TITLE.
@Drippy. See my comment on how the NSFW cock photo was pinned on there by StreetCarnage staff. Not my doing.
It saddens me that this is not considered common sense…and it’s extremely fucked up that a baby’s junk is illegal but that ugly banker up top can flash his taint for all and sundry.
Number 5 is a great point. I was smart enough to get into nyu and graduate cum something or other, but because I reaaaally like getting rowdy everyone i know just sees me as this psychotic, wild eyed asshole. No one is willing to risk their reputation on me with a job recommendation, despite the fact that i relatively sane during daytime hours and have been great at every job i’ve ever had. but the deeper question is, of course, would it have been worth being a square all those nights out, just to find myself making 20 b’s an hour instead of 10?
I am 26 and chose not to go into the fucking laboratory today because I’m sitting around piddling with my god damn thesis. I enjoyed reading this article, and upon spotting the large boner up top I just laughed and put on some shades. I will never have children.
many many good points. the world isn’t kind to fat girls y last employer said, v true.
Never have kids. With them comes the death of your dreams, instant debt, and 15 years of aging in two months.
Get a dog. They’ll love you just as much, and accidental pregnancy is not nearly the hassle it could be.
Im fat and in debt.I won’t feel like man again until I correct these things,so right on there.The only other thing is ADULT ADVICE FROM SOMEONE WHO NAMED THEIR CHILD SHARKY, aaahhhh Street Boners!!!!Much like how the guy living on your couch shouldn’t give you finacial advice or the a washroom attendent give you career advice.Sharky sr.shouldn’t give
“Having a kid is worse than being massively in debt. worst time to have a kid is when you are young. best time is when you are 60 yrs old with some money, some time, and some wisdom.”
fully backing this.
just wait and see what val says about this
yeah everything was spot on except the have kids when you’re young part. i just think people that ends up having a kid say its amazing and the greatest. i mean, it’s obviously a huge moment in your life so you are going to be pumped about it, but you’re all in at that point, of course you’re gonna say its awesome. especially with a newborn. from there the kid becomes a money sucking leech for 18 years. but still, he’ll/she’ll remind you of yourself and do little funny or cool things and you’ll feel good but it’s all a psychological trick played on any parent. just like your “if your friends hate your girlfriend” point, if people think you being happy about your kid’s stupid accomplishment is dumb, it probably is. outsider vantage. but keep popping babies out man, America needs more babies seriously. we are getting our ass kicked in the baby producing department around the world and this is a decent place to raise a kid compared.
Holy fuck this site sucks now. Why would anybody come to a site called streetboners for advice. I think you all are missing the point here, we neither asked or care to hear your opins on how to live.
Very well done, and good advice. At 33, and with his first kid only just arriving, he’s still got some sliding downhill into adulthood to do.
I couldn’t figure out whether he has “a job” or “the job” yet. “A job” is a good gig while you are learning/getting experience, etc. “The job” is the one you have been training for–the bottom rung of the top of your game. While this job is challenging and very rewarding, it is the most soul crushing thing that will happen to you. Combine this with having one or more kids and a wife, and your day becomes a non-stop set of tasks performed for other people. If you have to support your wife too, (i.e., give all your earnings in to the house) this could be too much to handle. I need to write one of these.
how to grow up: stop writing on a stupid blog for dead subcultures
best advice on this site since blognegro.. well done
for the love of god! yes raymi, you’re skinny. no, it does not make you automatically attractive. fuck outta here with your body dysmorphia.
potcallskettleblack made me laugh hard
I really like this as well.
You should also throw in there to start appreciating Capitalism.
no sarcasm.
what art school has 10,000 students?
Having kids young only works for Mormons and everybody knows that the only way male mormons survive is by having the splittest-personality, cheatingest personality in the world.
So, in other words, follow the same life-path that’s been handed out to everyone else?
i really really really like and agree with this post
dude are you hiring?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AhbXv0hCXSQ
I reckon I like this Kennedy person.
What the fuck is wrong with you people? You don’t already know this? A guy with a kid named Sharky has to tell you? Jesus Christ. I quit the internet.
I’m just curious how much of this talk Kennedy walks.
I’m 34 and married and expecting my first kid in February. Like many people who read this site, for a long time I thought marriage, and thought even harder that having kids, is bullshit. If you don’t want to have a kid, that’s cool. If you want to go out all the time: to shows, to dinner, to bars, to travel the world, and think you will never get sick of that shit, I hope you’re right. However, I got to a point where a little of that goes a long way. I mostly like hanging out with my wife and I’m really excited about having this kid and all hanging out together. You have to decide, though. If you want to enjoy having a kid, you want to be somewhat young because it takes a lot of energy. Being an old man with a kid is cool for Cormac McCarthy, but for the rest of humanity you’ll just be a creepy old dude who’s tired all the time. For the people who are adamantly opposed to marriage and/or having kids, I’m legitimately interested in what you see yourself doing every day when you’re 50.
dude, you almost had me until SHARKY & protesting the dick pictures. cocks are funny. duh. I’m not ever growing up if it means dix arn’t funny anymore.
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@Sean Manatee
“What the fuck is wrong with you people? You don’t already know this? A guy with a kid named Sharky has to tell you? Jesus Christ. I quit the internet.” –> LOL..
@Steve Harvey
I’m almost 10 years older, married with two young kids, and I appreciate your sentiment. I really do wonder however (almost daily) whether it had to be this way. The feeling your kid(s) will give you is amazing, but it’s such a different kind of satisfaction that, without experiencing it, I think I wouldn’t understand it enough to miss it.
I have a never married older friend with a boat and two houses, and he seems fine. I honestly think I could have kept: going out all the time, dating lots of 20-40 year old women, and not being beholden to three other people. Doing it up until 35, I was good enough at it that I don’t think I would have gotten sick of it. It’s an open question.
“I’ve just had a baby and now I think I’m the tits and font of all wisdom.” or “I’ve just had a baby and really need to reassure myself that I’ve made the right decision and my life isn’t over by preaching banalities on a lifestyle website.”
Honestly, fuck off with your smug Sunday supplement self-aggrandising. This whole piece is nothing more than one of those tedious, solipsistic weekend broadsheet columns that serve no other purpose than to serve the author’s ego. You’ve just peppered it with expletives, poor prose masquerading as ‘tell-it-how-it-is-street-talk-brother’ and fourth-rate facsimiles of ‘edgy’ offensive humour.
You’re not Bill Hicks. You’re not even Dennis fucking Leary. Your just some blowhard down the pub boring everyone to death with his boorish “Let me tell you how it is…” bullshit.
Millions of people have kids everyday and manage to repress the urge to broadcast it to the whole world whilst simultaneously patronising people with what is ostensibly bragging disguised as shitty life-lessons.
Congratulations though; bringing up kids adds multiple dimensions to your life and is a blast and I wish you and your family all the best in the world. Just stop trying to convince everyone how they should be more like you…
@Blah
Yeah, it’s all subjective. As long as you’re enjoying whatever, I say go for it. I used to think kids were super annoying, and then I started thinking going out and having to listen to adults became irritating. I don’t think I’d enjoy just bullshitting with my real friends every day, let alone having to listen to people I don’t know out wherever, but it’s just my preference.
At the same time, my wife gently nudged me to the marriage and kid thing, and I’m glad she did, but my professional life is balanced between an unfulfilling fulltime job and creative contract work, and I fear I’ll have to drop a good bit of the creative stuff, at least for a fair stretch of time. Having a kid seems like it’s a different kind of reward, but there’s that part of me that would like to just keep on plugging along doing what I’m doing without compromising and taking on this added responsibility.
I have a friend who’s 36 and lives carefree and bangs a steady stream of women in their 20s-40s, but it seems like a hassle having to force small talk all the time. Even though it’s real sex, it ends up coming off like he’s just putting in a lot of work for an elevated form of jacking off, and I don’t really envy the guy.
Sage advice. Especially #3 and #5 and the bit about doing one thing until completion.
Great advice, thanks. (genuine)
what you gotta hate on china for? you shellfish dribble
This motherfucker is stacking it, and that’s a fact. All you jamokes should take his advice. Great post.
I fucking hate Gawker.
the loser-friends advice is absolutely bang on target. I’ve been taking the cut-loose road for a few months now and here I was thinking I was the asshole. Sometimes you just need to hear it.