Saying “Just Kidding” feels like the ultimate sin. It’s hard to explain why but I’d much rather just keep ramping up the joke until they go, “Oh, you’re fucking with me.”
If you make some joke about Eva Mendez stalking you and someone actually believes you, saying, “Just kidding” is basically, “I’m a quitter who likes to waste your time.” Instead, you have to ramp it up with, “Beyoncé too. And she always sends these pathetic messages like in her new video she’s wearing these earrings I got her. I feel bad for her. It’s like MOVE ON, B.” If they don’t get that, they can go fuck themselves. You did everything in your power to let them in on the joke. “Just kidding” is almost as bad as, “Get it?”
I think I good bit has about 18% of the people thinking it’s real. This VIZ article probably left 90% of the people in the dark and I appreciate their gonads but that’s getting a little too out there. When Jonathan Swift suggested the poor eat their babies in “A Modest Proposal,” he employed the perfect combination of impossible scenario and reasonable argument. Now, I’m not quite as good as Swift or VIZ but how the fuck could so many people think I was serious about this Scientology article? I’m about to spoil the whole thing with this intro but how could you believe someone was not kidding when they…
1- Start out saying man is 75 million years old and call earth Teegeeack.
2- Qualify a statement with “possibly (as well as allegedly, reportedly, purportedly, and reputedly).”
3- Call anyone “breathtakingly gorgeous.”
4- Imply someone deserves to die if they were a mass murderer in a previous life.
5- Use four testimonials that include the word “like” and add one that says, “boof.”
6- Say someone touched my tit when I was a French girl hundreds of years ago.
7- Say Tom Cruise is “literally magic” and then use scenes from Mission Impossible 4 to prove it.
I realize listing these totally wrecks the joke but I wanted to bring up a bigger point. Do you agree that a fan of great literature saying “just kidding” is even worse than him saying “Voldermort”?
Anyway, here it is…
As someone who was molested in a previous life, I have a lot of respect for Scientology. Not only does this 3.5-million-strong “Way to Happiness” offer answers that help people “clean” their souls, it’s also the only place that clearly explains why we’re all here. (Seventy-five million years ago, Xenu placed thetans in volcanoes all over Teegeeack.)
The CoS is back in the news because of a new film called The Master in which director Paul Thomas Anderson “used [Scientology] as a backdrop.” If the Church decides Anderson has portrayed them negatively, it’s very likely he will get his ass sued off. Scientologists have the right to freedom of religion and it appears they’d like to make it illegal for anyone to say otherwise.
Mark Ebner is generally known as the first major whistleblower on the Church after he infiltrated them in 1996 for a Spy magazine feature. It has been insinuated and rumored that they have possibly (as well as allegedly, reportedly, purportedly, and reputedly) been stalking him ever since and submitting a “Dead Agent Pack” (alleged dirty secrets) to potential employers. Washington Post reporter Richard Leiby suffered a similar fatewhen he started investigating the Church. Most recently, Vanity Fair came under attack for a “false” and “defamatory” piece about Tom Cruise called “What Katie Didn’t Know.” The Church denies the allegation that girlfriends were auditioned for Tom. It is threatening to sue Vanity Fair‘s ass off.
It is said that the practice of auditing one’s life through the Church also provides them with a pile of damning secrets with which they can blackmail the follower should he or she choose to leave. When the “suppressive person” is outside the Church, CoS agents allegedly do their own investigations and use that for leverage. As a man with many secrets who’s writing about Scientology, I’m a little bit nervous. I don’t want them to sue my ass off.
To be perfectly clear, I don’t know a lot about Scientology but from what I can see it is a wonderful and giving institution that saves lives and brings immense amounts of positive energy to the universe. Its current leader David Miscavige is breathtakingly gorgeous and I’m inclined to agree with Cruise, who called him “competent,” “intelligent,” “tolerant,” and a “compassionate being.”
Despite all these seemingly self-evident truths, the Church continues to get lambasted by jealous journalists and bitter ex-members. Earlier this year, high-ranking official Debbie Cook decided to ignore the non-disclosure agreement she and her husband each received $50,000 to sign and accused Miscavige of punching someone in the face. Her allegations include few or no details about this “someone” and what they had done. Was this “someone” a Preclear or a Suppressive Person acting as a Potential Trouble Source? Were their ARC and KRC triangles misaligned? How far along the Bridge were they? Were they beyond the level of OT III? What’s their Purification Rundown?
Not one—let me repeat that, not ONE—so-called “journalist” looked into these very simple questions and I think it’s because such questions don’t fit the media’s anti-Scientology narrative. In 1995 when Lisa McPherson died of a pulmonary embolism while receiving treatment under the Church’s very unique medical system, they were charged with “abuse and/or neglect of a disabled adult” and “practicing medicine without a license.” To this day nobody has researched how clear she was before her Purification Rundown, nor how close she was to the Bridge of Total Freedom.
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