It’s a red-letter day. Up until now, “fudge packer” was a pejorative for a gay man. But mark your calendars folks. Today I’m taking it back for the straight guys.
I haven’t heard anyone call someone a “fudge packer” since goofy metalheads and wiggers were trading insults back and forth in my high school lunchroom.
While we’re at it, I’ll take back “butt pirate.” too. I think you guys can keep “turd burglar,” because I don’t even understand that one. Who burgles turds? The closest thing I can think of is someone picking up their dog’s shit, but I’d hardly call that burgling. Maybe the ladies of “2 Girls 1 Cup” would count as turd burglars, but they seemed to be trading their scatological treats rather willingly.
“But anal is gross,” you may say. Man the fuck up. All sex is gross. Have you ever actually thought about what you’re doing when you’re having regular sex? You know what else is gross? Eating is, and yet we do that several times a day. Chewing, grinding food with our teeth, slurping, burping, and slowly turning food into shit inside our bodies, all while sitting in rooms full of other disgusting meatbags mindlessly masticating away. And yet we do it without an ounce of self-consciousness.
The best things in life are gross.
But hey, maybe you had a bad experience. You and your girl felt adventurous one night, and you decided to give the ol’ backdoor a shot. As the fruits of her unprepared fudge factory chocolate rained all over you, you both learned the drawbacks of impromptu anal. She was embarrassed, you got dysentery, and the room smelled like Staten Island. All because she didn’t think ahead and use an enema before the sodomy session. Sucks for you.
Anyway, I’m here to raise awareness about an important social issue. You see, the Internet is full of hateful speech against straight men of my orificial orientation.
“I still think it’s weird and would question my dude’s sexuality if he wanted to stuff that hole.”
“Sorry but if a man wants anal sex from a woman he is either a homo or he has been watching too much porno. which glamorizes and pushes that abnormal garbage off as being ok. Even the dictionary calls it abnormal (sodomites).”
That’s right. It’s 2012 and there are still knuckle-dragging Neanderthals out there who think that if a man wants to fuck his girl in her ass, it means that he’s gay.
Who says gay guys have the market cornered on butts? I love butts. As a matter of fact, I’m fucking obsessed with them. If I had to choose between a girl with no chest and a big ass and a girl with big tits and no ass, I’d choose to watch them both go ass to ass with the huge double-ended dildo from Requiem for a Dream.
I, for one, have had enough of this shameless, backwards bigotry. Anti-anal cyberbullies, you’ve been put on notice. Your words hurt and your language normalizes proctophobia; I am not going to take it anymore.
Wikipedia, where I get all of my vital information on sex, defines homosexuality as “wanting to bang dudes.” So whether or not a person is straight or gay is determined by the sex of whom they’re fucking, not the body orifice they’re using for their carnal amusement. And if you can look at a beautiful woman and get all selective and picky about where you want to fuck her, then maybe you’re the one who’s gay.
I can understand not wanting to ride the Hershey Highway all the time. With the preparation that’s involved, butt sex is sort of like Thanksgiving dinner. If you had to do it every day it would be a monotonous chore, not worth the trouble. But do it every now and again with someone you love, and it becomes something very special; The leftovers will leave you and your girl satisfied for weeks.
If le derrière is your bête noire, you need to do some soul-searching. Maybe go for a hike and see some nature. Then you will realize that the pygophiles are right. It’s time you stopped denying yourself the pleasures of the warm rosebud of a girl who loves you. And as a butterfly rests on your shoulder and the birds sing, the sun will transform into a giant cornhole and bathe you in its warm light. You will finally be at peace with the analverse.