Lance-A-Lot Johnson is my favorite porn star so you can imagine my dismay to learn he’d been using performance-enhancing drugs through much of his stellar career.
That explains the erections lasting more than four hours on Debbie Engages In Sexual Activity With Lance-A-Lot Johnson and Lanced: The Sequel.
I’ve always known Lance to be a stand-up guy who stood tall and was firm and rigid in his convictions, with a thick, meaty sense of integrity.
The man had spunk and wasn’t afraid to blow a big wad of it in the face of injustice.
We’ve all pulled some boners in our time so let’s not be too hard-on our priapic pal. Let’s face it, there’s a lot of stiff competition in the porn world, a world in which it’s difficult to remain a member in good standing.
Focused and hirsute, he was up for anything and would always rise to the occasion.
In everything he did he always managed to raise the bar.
He was a straight shooter who always did a bang-up job.
He was ever upright in his dealings with others and never forgot whom he came on. He could always hold his head up high.
In business, he drove a hard bargain. He loved his staff.
As "Shift Wad"—my porn nom de plume, if you will—he and I worked on a number of successful projects together. There were also a couple we’d both rather forget—Who Needs Girls? and Lance-A-Lot Does Shift-A Lot! come to mind.
Let’s just say, Anna Karenina those two cinematic offerings were not.
We got reamed by the critics for Buggery Boys and BFFs: Butt Friends Forever, but both films did boffo box office in marginalized sectors and we were fortunate enough to get a piece of the back end.
We’re secure enough in our masculinity to engage exclusively in homosexual activity. We read the script for Buggery Boys and just fell in love with it. Talk about an opportunity to stretch as an actor.
Granted, some scenes required we be extra secure in our masculinity.
Speaking of people named "Lance" with a weakness for anabolic steroids and Spandex, that Lance Armstrong has been spilling his guts to Oprah on the topic these past couple weeks.
He admitted to being a liar all along until now.
I believe Oprah’s bosom has the power to heal.
Between my passion for watching paint dry and grass grow I haven’t paid as much attention to the world of competitive bicycle racing as perhaps I should.
And it takes place in France? Besides Freedom Fries, what has France ever given us?
He might as well have taken a dagger and thrust it in the bosom of everyone who enjoys nerdy pastimes such as bike racing or the musical stylings of Maroon 5.
At least when Lance-A-Lot Johnson was confronted with accusations of illegal doping and unnecessary throbbing, he had the class and dignity to cum clean in the face of it.
If only Lance Armstrong had shown Oprah the same respect.