I totally respect their work, but the following four people would annoy the fuck out of me if they were my friends.
WORDS: ROBERT FOSTER
I totally respect their work, but the following four people would annoy the fuck out of me if they were my friends.
OL DIRTY BASTARD
ODB was always the most exciting thing about Wu Tang. He was funny as Hell, had the weirdest voice and that video of him singing a Beatles song made me think in a weird way that he just might have been the human embodiment of music. He had great grills and didn’t let social convention stand in the way of anything he did. He even picked up a welfare check in a limo one time. He sounds like the kind of guy I’d like to be buddies with, right?
But what about if I had a new girlfriend who I was really into, we were hanging out all the time, and just really super in love, and we had the Dirt Dog round for dinner? You know what he’d do: He’d turn up an hour late, high as shit, and talk about her vagina and tits as if to say “I don’t respect your love.” Then he’d refuse to eat what we’d cooked for him, start talking about white devils, and invite some prostitutes over. You think he’d even make eye contact with either of us the entire time? His eyes would be in the back of his head and he’d probably forget my girl’s name. Big Baby Jesus, you’ve insulted both myself and my lady and I’d like you to leave.
That guy would be a rude dinner guest.
—
IAN MACKAYE
Minor Threat are my favorite band ever. Fugazi taught me that there were smarter ways to be hardcore than Earth Crisis, and the whole deal with Dischord selling cheap records is pretty cool. Even the Evens record was good, and I don’t know what he’s doing now but I’m sure he’s on some deep shit.
There was a time I would have given my right ball to hang out with the guy but these days I’m not so sure because sometimes I like to meet women in bars, and I need a guy to go with me to do that. That’s right: a wingman. So I what if I ask Ian to come along with me? Say we get hold of two girls and even though Ian’s spoken for, he is up for being all fun and vibe-y with them and talking to the uglier one so I can get with the hottie. Thanks very much Ian, but I don’t think either of these girls are that interested in fiscal policy or tree-planting schemes in Washington’s city center (does it even have a city center? I’m not American so I don’t know). You don’t even have a TV and I’m sure you love The Wire box sets but everyone serious loves The Wire, even your dorky president. Look, the girls are losing interest and whispering to each other. This is over. Thanks a bunch Ian, jeez. Next time I go out I’m taking Harley Flanagan.
That guy would be an awful wingman.
—
VARG VIKERNES
Varg pretty much invented the second wave of black metal, which is the best and coolest wave of all. The wave with all the murders and the church burnings, both of which he was super into himself. He also made some fucking weird and interesting music and looked really fucking skinny and sinister the whole time. Even his prison pictures make him look totally badass.
But what if he was round my house and we were going to watch some TV because we weren’t going out that night? Dude is a fucking Nazi! How would we have been able to watch MTV Base and talk about the girls in the videos without him getting all incensed about negroidification of “our culture” or some shit? What if Curb was on? That’d be off limits because Varg is so damn sure that the Jews are on some Zionist conspiracy tip, and imagine what he’d do if I flicked over (for like five minutes to fill time until a movie started, obvz) to Will & Grace? Everyone knows Nazis hate gays more than anything. Thanks for coming over Varg, the chips and dip were nice but the History Channel gets tiring after a while, and you talking over everything to point out how history had been altered ‘n all, that was pretty annoying too.
That guy would be shitty to hang out with at home.
—
NICOLAS CAGE
Yeah, I’m into Nick Cage films, what of it? He’s probs my favorite actor ever. That guy can do indie and mainstream type stuff and make it all look cool. Raising Arizona is a classic, Face/Off is the best action movie, like, evz, and I saw that new Bad Lieutenant movie and nearly cried with disbelieve at how totally cool NC looked throughout it.
If Nick and I were going on a road trip, however, things would be a different story because I’d have brought a bunch of mix CDs for our journey to go pick up an armchair I’d found on eBay and he’d have brought a bunch too. But I reckon he’d be pretty into making his stay on the stereo, and guess what’d be on his mixes? ONLY ELVIS PRESLEY. This guy is so unhealthily obsessed with the king that he married his daughter, so what do you think an eight hour car journey with him would be like? Elvis b-sides and Nick talking Elvis trivia for the whole fucking journey. Jesus, Nick, the armchair guy didn’t want to hear about it either, is that a fucking clue as to how fucking weird you are about this Graceland shit? This was meant to be a fun trip.
That guy would be a bad road trip partner (and imagine doing coke with him).
SIMULTANEOUSLY POSTED ON PLATFORM.
Let’s run this premise further into the ground.
Formula:
I’ll name a person I only know from a public persona, extrapolate what little I know of them into an imagined friendship that will then further relate to me and/or some interaction with women. Hijinx ensue.
Two yawns out of ZZz.
He married Lisa Marie for the ass-to-mouth skills. Deal w/ it
It’s good to have role models in your life.
WHY the fuck ain’t K. Cobains whinny ass included here?
ODB’s cool enough. I think Ian is dead. That metal dude I’ve never heard of and don’t care that I haven’t. As for Nick Cage, are you kidding? Face Off is the worst action movie of all time. How about that stupid thing where they caress each other’s faces like blind people throughout the film. And those magnetic boots they wear in the prison to keep them stuck to the floor. It sucks. Anyone who knows anything knows Die Hard is king.
Hmmm, ‘interesting’ article. Flawed almost on every sentence (most of it reads like a text message), also ODB is DEAD and Varg would NEVER come to your house, not even if the total TRASH you believe about him being a Nazi was TRUE, and you were holding a fucking wite power rally in your mom’s living room. I DO agree with Nic Cage nit howeve, but Face/Off fucking BLEW even more than this whole piece almost. Also, he is in serious financial trouble right now, maybe he could write some decent posts for Street Carnage which has obviously started employing high-school drop-outs as ‘writers’. FAIL
Morrissey, doiye!
he is a nazi
women:
madonna
camille paglia
who else…
Obvs? Evs? Probs?
Con-Air is the real shit.
I hate myself too.
I remember the day when I found out I hated Nic Cage. I was at work in a muffler factory, doing my pretty little thing welding…and I felt something moving in my soul, kinda like a really important shit that’s gonna feel really good. Then it hit me..”I think I hate Nicolas Cage.” It’s like a real hate. But it feels good to know that I out do.
I saw ODB live once and all he did was yell at the audience to shut up for five minutes straight without a mic, then he ran up to the bar and asked the bartender for a free dink because he was Ol Dirty Bastard. The bartender said, your an old dirty what? and ODB loked at me like WTF and I shrugged, and he said Godammit, and dissappeared.
@FACE/ON – The more I read your post, the funnier it gets.
@n/a – good to see you again. It must be awesome to have a goal in life, even if it is just to post at least one negative comment on every SBTVC post (under at least one alias). You keep it up, trooper.
Funny article. Thanks.
All this just says you like “hanging out” and “being chill” to live up to the images of your idols.
@bernat: huh?
Let ODB be your wingman, take Ian to dinner (your bitch will love how socially conscious he is or whatever), Varg did nothing musically, and NC is the worst actor ever (ok top ten worst ever with Billy Zane, Val Kilmer, Keanu,etc.)
burzum sucks
robert foster, you are quite boring, and odb would not want to ever hang out with you!
this guy is my new favorite writer
I don’t think anyone wants to hang out with you. That’s why you’re thinking up fictitious tea party fantasies with famous people.
You’re a nobody, accept it and move on to the noose.
NICK CAGE SUCKS. THE ONLY GOOD MOVIE HE WAS EVER IN WAS LEAVING LAS VEGAS AND EVEN THAT WAS QUESTIONABLE. FOR SHAME.
P.S. “HUMAN EMBODIMENT OF MUSIC?” YOU ARE GAY.
If he just went through it again and rewrote it it would be twice as good. Keep doing that til it isn’t boring. That’s my advice to this fashion dick who I fucking hate.
come on, yall know you liked face off. fuckin magnetic boot ocean prison. and that scene where dude is all high as shit, and is all like, “ima take his face off”, and his henchman is just like WTF? shit was tight. and yes, con air is the shit.
nicolas cage in valley girls = SEX
Con Air IS the shit.
@ maltlikkasippa: i knew there was a movie with magnetic boots ocean prison but i forget which one. Also, if u were an american this wouldn’t have sucked so much.
“cried with disbelieve” :\
nothing about this was funny.
You forgot to mention he spells his name: “Nicolas” instead of “Nicholas”.
Pretentious? Gay?
You do know what Nicolas Cage’s son’s name is right?
Nicholas Cage kicking the shit out of women after they attacked him with bees is the best shit to ever be serious.