Todd Akin: Discoverer of the Inner Abort Switch.

Yiiiikes Todd Akin!

The Missouri Republican Congressman, a toddler-brained man who I’m guessing might also be either autistic or Asperger-y, announced his stance on abortion, basically saying that in cases of “legitimate rape,” the woman’s body pulls an Inner Abort Switch which flushes a rapist’s baby away, kind of like a vaginal version of the blue stuff we put into our toilets. His comments prove that money, an education, and a relationship with God isn’t all you need to hold a government position. You can read the length of his drivel here if you haven’t already.

This is only in cases of “legitimate rape,” mind you. In cases of no-means-yes rape, or accidental rape, or joke rape, or half-a-rape, there’s a good chance that pregnancy will occur, so ladies, make sure it’s a legitimate rape before you go pulling the ‘do not make a baby’ lever.

Truth be told, there are nearly 35,000 rape babies born every year in America alone, so maybe the mothers just weren’t sure if it was “legitimate rape” or not. Is there a definition in the Handbook for Republican Ignoramuses?

There are so many shocking points about this ordeal, which he is defending by claiming he “misspoke.” From now on, “I misspoke” should be struck from a politician’s vocabulary. Elected officials must be held to higher standards in all they say and do. Otherwise, let’s just pay them minimum wage like a Wendy’s employee, and they can do and say whatever the hell they feel like.

Very troubling to me is that this buffoon is on the Science and Technology Committee, a group of people who basically specialize in, well, being smart. However, I have a possible explanation for why he’d say something so Boronic (that was a science pun), and that is because engineers aren’t exactly known for being sex gods. Weird Science and Real Genius illustrated them as getting about 12.847 times the action, or about 55% more sex than they actually do. Thus, the guy probably just lost his virginity a few years ago, I’m guessing to a prostitute at a Republican National Convention. So he’s still figuring things out and is reveling in amazement at how women bake cookies with their vaginas and things, you know, of scientific interest.

Nope. He has a wife and daughters, making this heinous statement even more offensive.

Another point of distress is that he said this on television. Now any man goon who plans to commit “legitimate rape” will have some backwoods concept in his head that the woman they do harm to won’t get pregnant because she has a magic anti-baby switch inside of her. As for those who don’t consider what they’re doing to be “legitimate rape,” i.e., raping their wives or daughters, well: A) it’s not legitimate rape, and B) they won’t get pregnant, so no issues there.  I wince at the “a-ha” moment these would-be rapists shared at the idea that their victims can shut off their vaginas to pregnancy.

Meanwhile, rape is otherwise a taboo topic on TV. I can’t share what I consider to be a poignant song about rape, performed on a rape whistle, on TV, that message being A) don’t rape people, and B) rape whistles don’t prevent rape. However, this meathead can tell the world that women have internal kill switches, defying the logic that if that were the case, abortion wouldn’t really be necessary, now would it?

Lastly, unfortunately, he is surely not alone in his mastodonic mindset. He surely learned this way of thinking from someone else, hence lots of morons share these kind of ideas about women and the female reproductive system. Women are truly second-class citizens to this demographic. We’re lucky we’re not raised for food. If it weren’t for our vaginas, we very well could be. And in some cases, such as the case of killer and creep Nikolai Dzhumagaliev, we were.

It really might be the most unintelligent thing a politician has ever said in a public forum. It’s so idiotic, it could be part of a stand-up routine. As a matter of fact, it kind of reminds me of a little song I wrote about how vaginas are magic.

Now people are enraged, and rightfully so. The throngs are on Twitter calling for his resignation. It’s kind of a baffling concept to me. When an angry mob waves their metaphorical pitchforks and says, “Resign,” the person in question always does. So then, why doesn’t the mob demand he donate a million dollars to RAINN or Planned Parenthood, or even jump off a cliff? What good does resignation do? He still has his money, his house(s), some influence, and unfortunately, his mouth.

Sadly, this entire ordeal is just another shining example of how out of touch people in power are, in addition to how insane Republicans are. If he resigns, some other birdbrained anus-for-mouth will just come along and take his place. And what will have changed? What will be different? Republicans are still going forward with the war on women’s bodies.

I call for the resignation of any politician who can’t identify the most obvious parts of the vagina, who are offended by the word “vagina,” and who can’t explain the basic inner workings of a woman’s body…

…did it work? Are they still there?

Shit.

—JESSICA DELFINO

 

Todd Akin cautiously approaches his first black penis.
 

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2. WHEN DOLPHINS CHOOSE TO RAPE
3. MY METAPHORICAL RAPE WHISTLE
4. HOW TO MAKE A PERFECT RAPE JOKE
5. SAN DIEGO COMIC CON 2008: RAPE SHIRTS FOR NERDS