It’s fun to exaggerate rape so from now on, anytime a guy does something that is too horny, we are going to go “toot toot” which means we’re blowing our metaphorical rape whistles.
(drawing by Ted Barrow)
It’s fun to exaggerate rape so from now on, anytime a guy does something that is too horny, we are going to go “toot toot” which means we’re blowing our metaphorical rape whistles.
I want to make clear that you can’t just blow the whis on someone because they’re trying to make rad babies with you before they even know your last name. Wow, a guy is trying to have the sex with you. Um doy, big deal. That’s just what they do. And its not even really their faults. Take it up with science you crybabies! Its really about how they go for it.
Therefore, there are only few things that justify pulling out a rape whistle and blowing it in someone’s face (aside from like, actually being raped). If you catch yourself fumbling around your pockets looking for one, there is no way in hell this guy is going to put it in you. It could be obvious, like if the guy is acts like a conceited chick or picks his nose in the middle of a story. Or it could happen sort of innocently in the produce dept at Whole Foods (cliche, but my friend who works there told me its the meat market of the entire company). You start talking, which leads to a stroll to the dried berries and nuts bins, and next thing you know he’s making crude cucumber analogies like the guy in animal house but less cute. Toot toot!
So it’s really just a turd repellent. Its the little old-fashioned lady inside, telling you you’ve got a Stephen Dorff on your hands and you need to beat it outta there before the dude you’re with burgles any more of your time.
OK this is getting confusing because I’m overexplaining it. Here’s the perfect example of why me and my friends invented going “toot toot” in the middle of a story:
A few years ago my friend went on a date with this hot British guy we know. He’s pretty dreamy: successful, polite, fun to be around. They had a standard night- drinking, laughing, la la la things are going well. Eventually they go back to her house, hang out for a little bit, then naturally they start kissing. All’s swell with the make out, dude is hot. But then, before any boobs were even out, he gives her a gigantic blazing porn-spank. Like, not even from behind even! You know, more like a nonchalant I’m-kissing-you-and-everything’s-going-fine-so-now-I’m-going-to-side-swipe-your-unsuspecting-ass-with-my-inappropriately-gruff-and-lecherous-man-hand. What is he, Lemmy? You can’t do that unless you’re at a biker rally and it says, “Property of Vinnie” on your ass.
I mean, I guess it’s normal for some people, but it’s something that generally comes up a bit later in the relationship. Like, bra is on the floor at least. If people want to shamelessly ravage each other after two drinks until they take their awful walks of shame back to their roommates at 6:30 in the morning, that’s all fun and good. But without a clear green light from a chick to go ahead and whip out the tools and lotions, preemptive ass-slapping during the first minute of a first kiss on a first date is a big red flag. We still call him the Donkey Puncher, since that’s clearly where they were headed had she not got the fuck out of there quietly mumbling to herself “toot toot.”
Teeheehee.
Uh. Hot britishy guy spanks a presumably non-naked ass during a make-out sesh and gets a toot-toot? I was more on board with the Stephen Dorff analogy. I would give a toot toot if that douche came within 10 feet of my ovaries.
what the hell are you talking about?
prig
so you’re saying, pretty much, that you say “toot toot” if the guy makes you uncomfortable.
I’m assuming the “TOOT TOOT” is accompanied by a train whistle hand gesture.
You should’ve taken this concept to the grave.
I use an airhorn to drown out the sound of rape whistles.
that story made me hot
HAHA! I love the idea of a chick and her friends going TOOT TOOT after some dude gives them a cheesy line or does something lame. As long as its not me.
BUT this chick seems kind of prude, so whatever. Ass spanking? BIG DEAL.
slapped your ass deserves a Toot toot of your imaginary rape whistle? no wonder you’re not getting laid.
hey me and my friends thought of this cool joke to do when guys flirt too much and i wrote about it on my website toot toot
whistle tips go tooot tooooot!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nnzw_i4YmKk
stop trying so hard and relax. none of us want another sloane crosley around. “not funny, spoiled jap day” is always the tuesday before mlk weekend.
Hi its Aviva. You’re right, I’m a total fucking JAP. Not spoiled though. I love posting on Streetcarnage. The couch ranting is so enthusiastic! Sorry I’m not funny to you (don’t care) but DO NOT call me Sloane Crosley you twat.
xx
fuck you bitch.
gay gay
who could possibly want to read all that?
Totally dude. I’ve wanted to blow my RW so many times in my head. Get over it dudes.
I heart Veevers.
This is a pretty formulaic scenario in the battle of the sexes:
-Dude’s looking to get laid.
-Chick’s looking for love.
-They both think that they have each other right where they want them, but it comes crashing back to reality when dude signals his intentions with semi-bold gesture, or whatever you want to call it. But really, how out there is a slap on the tush once you’ve swapped bacteria via mucho adult kissing?
-Chick’s ego feels taunted and betrayed. She goes home and complains about it to her friends, laughing through the tragedy. Secretly cries in to her pillow that night.
-Dude’s libido is bummed, but he goes home and laughs about it with his buds before finishing the job on his own. He sleeps like a king.
-The next morning, dude can barely remember chick’s name. He starts thinking about who his next conquest will be and plotting how to get it done. Reminds himself that surprise ass- slapping does not work on all women, but has no idea where the thought originated.
-Chick wakes up. Her sadness has evolved from tears to venom. She starts thinking about a dude she doesn’t really like, but who is desperate and nice enough to sire her around in the presence of the offender dude, thus commencing a futile attempt to inspire jealousy. Meanwhile, she and all her friends avenge the collective feamle ego by bitching about the offensive act for a decade in every corner of the world. When legal considerations allow for it, they name names.
End of Story.
Interesting take Jive. Then again, maybe they both wanted the same thing but got railroaded by a common cultural difference; he grew up watching Benny Hill reruns, she didn’t.
Actually, I have to side with the author on this. If a guy you just started kissing spanks you REALLY hard, that’s a bit of a red flag unless you’re practically begging him with your girl tricks. Other than that, ANY guy that acts like Stephen Dorff is a fucking douche. If I saw him walking down the street I’d drive by slowly, unroll the window, and on top of my lungs yell out TOOOOOOOT TOOOOOOOOOOOOT!
It’s not a giant leap of faith to assume that any male who can’t control his impulses around this fat-assed Heeb isn’t exactly a top-o-the-heap Alpha Male who’s had much reproductive success in the first place.
No wonder she makes a habit of “exaggerating rape.”
Benny Hill reruns? I forgot how culturally sophisticated women were, what with soap operas and “Girls Next Door” and “Rock of Love Charm School.”
Name a JAP that ever admitted she was spoiled. This ‘un is straight out of Shrill Uber-Privileged Jewgirl Central Casting.
GO, HAMAS!
Your readers are obsessed with Jews and rich girls. That’s about 80% of the Downtown population in New York. Grow up.
stop letting it get to you honey; you’re an eloi writing a post for the morlocks. where was this fire in the rape whistle screed? you didn’t even play up the joke about the meat market of a grocery store being the produce section (when there is a literal meat market just yards away!). maybe we can hit on catatonics, or “vegetables” in colloquial terms, in the meat section?
sorry about the sloane crosley jab i was having a bad day and i projected a bit. all seeing your life – which is probably fun and unique in a reasonable, inoffensive, new york sort of way – projected next to mine, which is kind of a boring compromise. i wanted to be somebody, just briefly and in a sad little medium like a website comments section. for a guy like me, the internet is like yaddo to john cheever.
feel free to roll your eyes at me, or even shit on my chest. but please eat some kishkas beforehand and talk about borrowing your dad’s jag to drive up to bennington for the 3-day. i have some growing up to do.
seeing all this ugly pent up jew stuff come out kind of makes you see the truth of vice magazine’s legacy, doesn’t it?
Making this up? Well then, I’m re-invent a word into slang. How about “schweaty?” Those jeans are fucking schweaty!… No wait, that’s gay.
“Well then, I’m re-invent…” Also, I want poor grammar to get as popular as toot-toot.
raped with an imaginary whistle…you make me laugh
this actually happened to me and i totally went with it, but i was like 16 and assumed it was a british thing..
we’re long term now.
…so basically my boyfriend is a rapist.
thanks for the heads up!