READER SUBMITTED CONTENT 1. Go to a rave in a random place, like Leicester, because you heard someone on the Tube talking about it and it sounded cool

1. GO TO A RAVE IN A RANDOM PLACE, LIKE LEICESTER, BECAUSE YOU HEARD SOMEONE ON THE TUBE TALKING ABOUT IT AND IT SOUNDED COOL

For a start, people up north are usually totally fucking weird. No offense. They mainly just spit and wear brightly colored jeans with caps. Not cool. You arrive and think, “Shit, everyone here is butters.” But it’s fine cause you get really fucked on that cheapo vodka you bought on the way up.

Next thing you know, a bald, middle-aged man is injecting you in the arm with God-knows-what and you find yourself sitting on discolored white-ish bathroom tiles while puking all over your dress. You feel like shit and everyone around you is saying, “Mooove the fook outta me way, you fookin’ sket!” You can’t find any of your mates and your phones been nicked.

Somehow you make your way home, probably by giving a couple of bearded men blowjobs on the ride back south. You get home and as soon as your head hits the pillow you hear your alarm going off — “Fuck, it’s 7:30 A.M. and I’ve got school.” When you’re 15, you thought this would be so fucking cool.
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2. HAVE A ROMANTIC BATH WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND OF THREE WEEKS, COMPLETE WITH BUBBLES AND CIGARETTES

So you’ve been having sex on a lazy Sunday afternoon and fancy a nice, hot shower to clean yourself up a bit. Your new boyfriend says, “Do you want me to join you, babe?” How can you resist his cheeky charm?

Before you know it, he’s on top you thrusting, your head keeps being dunked under, there’s soap bubbles in your mouth, and you’ve dropped your last cigarette in the water. And all of this happens just after you realize the water acts in a surprisingly non-lubricated fashion which means things are a little awkward as he tries to get it in several times, then you embarrassingly let out a “phew” when it eventually happens.

The only thing that could make this even more awkward is that moment when bubbles start rising suspiciously from your lover’s arse. Cringe. At least it’s one to tell your mates on a Monday morning.
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3. GO ON A BLIND DATE AT PIZZA EXPRESS

So you get introduced. Things are OK to begin, but then you go into the restaurant and he acts like a gentlemen, perhaps pulls out chair out for you or something. After the first 5 minutes of talking about yourselves, you‘re not too sure what to converse about now. Maybe there’s a little talk of the weather or you ask your date what music he’s into.

This feels too high school, so you go in for the kill by asking about their single status, what kinda girls they’re into. Is this too personal? You mention your ex-boyfriend in a chilled-out , like you totally don’t give a shit way — “He was OK, but we just, umm, drifted apart.”

Before you know it you’re pouring your heart out to this poor boy who’s just staring at your tits and trying to imagine how you’d look straddling him in bed. Now you’ve started crying and he passes you his napkin. Pull yourself together you fucking moron!

After you’ve eaten you realize this guy is so fucking mind-numbingly boring. All you can do is think, “How the fuck do I get out of here?” Look straight at the waiter, try and send out some kind of sly signal that you’d like the bill. Finally, you pay half each and then grab your coat so you can make a swift exit. All you really wanted was a breakup fuck.
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-REBECCA BOURKE

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