READER SUBMITTED CONTENT You’re in Korea teaching English, studying abroad or doing some other dumb shit, when it comes to hookup time: Who should you choose? The white girl from California who you’ll probably have to work alongside tomorrow or the Korean girl who’s probably your student?

You’re in Korea teaching English, studying abroad or doing some other dumb shit, when it comes to hookup time: Who should you choose? The white girl from Korea who you’ll probably have to work alongside tomorrow or the Korean girl who’s probably your student?

I’ve been living in Korea for a minute now and, as a veteran of literally twos of relationships, I’ve noted the following sweeping and entirely inaccurate generalizations about Asian chicks vs white chicks in Asia.

ASIAN GIRLS: PROS

Image snatched from Titty City

Asian girls have some pretty rad shit going for them. First of all: There are literally billions of them. Also, their vaginas will feel like a tiny, moist purse of warm pearlescent silk when it wraps round your angry womb-broom. They’ll think your 5 1/2” pinprick is a king prick. They’ll also have shimmeringly beautiful skin and they’ll look 17 well into their 30s. Pedophiles don’t exist in Asia — they’re just normal dudes because an Asian woman in her 20s will look like she’s still in grade school.

Shoulders and tits are rarely on display in the East but there is no limit to how much leg can be paraded around. Unlike Western women, Asian girls will still look like delicately-crafted sex dolls the morning after the night before.

Asian girls in Asia (as opposed to those in the U.S. or wherever) are also eminently attainable. I look like an albino Shrek and I’ve had unreasonably hot girlfriends out here. Because of your (my) microbially-thin veneer of confidence (hiding a roiling pit of self-hatred) and “hilarious” personality (stolen wholesale from The Simpsons / Ricky Gervais / Will Ferrell, etc.) you will be cutting a hot, spermy swathe through legions of raven-haired beauties. If you haven’t gotten at least five numbers / email addresses / TumblrFaceBookblogs on the plane ride to Korea / Japan / China, you’re a fucking loser. (But don’t get upset –- just buy a ticket to Thailand right away.)

ASIAN GIRLS: CONS

Remember how Asian girls look so young for so long? That actually doesn’t last forever. As soon as you squirt a baby into their uterus, they will shrivel into Yoda. Once they hit their 40s or get married (whichever happens first), Asian women will literally -– I mean literally — morph overnight from “Oh heyyy” to “No wayyy.” Seriously. Beware of marriage.

Be even more wary of marriage once you realize you’re not marrying one girl, you’re marrying a whole family: her jobless, poker-addicted father, her sister who’s been in air stewardess university for seven years, her punk little brother who works in a seafood buffet three days a week. Once you sign on the dotted line, you will have all of these losers touching you for money, via her. Forever.

Asian girls can also have oddly inconsistent sex drives. Woe betide you if you feel like getting some and she says, “Today I’m not feel like make sex.” And for some reason, every Asian girl seems to love constantly biting, scratching, slapping and pinching. This is fine when you’re pounding her clam back into the Goryeo dynasty but it gets annoying when you’re watching a DVD.

And I’m not even gonna talk about obvious stuff like Asian girls won’t shave their bushes (they go to bath houses with their mothers and she doesn’t want mum thinking she’s a slut) and will stink of garlic permanently. I don’t need to tell you that your interest in ’60s soul, ’80s hardcore or wobbly dubstep won’t really tally with her love for Jason Mraz and Jack Johnson. You love online Spot-the-Difference and the literary works of Jeffrey Archer, right? Because she does. And she will never, ever, get one of your jokes, unless you literally want to step on a banana skin or something. So. Let’s look at…

WESTERN GIRLS IN ASIA: PROS

Jesus Christ, how good is it to have an actual conversation with a girl? This is something you’ll remember once you return to the milky folds of Occidental womanhood. You can talk, together, all night long without her having to use a dictionary. And another thing: Western girls can actually be funny. Her (literally) withering remarks about your penis size will make you laugh so much you won’t even care when she calls you “Thumbsie” in front of everyone.

For a Western woman, Asia is basically a gay bar with 1.3 billion customers so she’ll have to lower her standards considerably while she’s there –- not to mention the fact that the local guys are generally a lot less forward than Western guys. This adds up to a perfect storm of Caucasian cooch for you. What’s more, she may well share tastes with you in music, art and literature. She’ll also have trim, inviting pussy hair, unless she’s a vegan logger from Alberta, in which case she won’t be talking to you anyway.
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WESTERN GIRLS: CONS

The liberated, modern Western woman will expect mind-shattering orgasms every time you sleep together. She won’t mind if your cock isn’t huge -– but she will mind if you don’t use the pathetic little thing properly. Her pussy may be shaven but it’s not gonna be a hermetically-sealed gateway to paradise; it will look like a predator’s mouth as a result of all the English / Israeli / Hungarian / Ghanaian / Martian cock it’s devoured over the years.

She’ll smoke Marlboro Lights by the fistful and after a heavy night drinking she’ll resemble Margaret Thatcher on a ketamine binge.. Like all woman, everywhere, she will be convinced that her friends –- who resemble veteran TV survivalist Ray Mears wearing flip flops and eye shadow -– are “gorgeous.” She may share your tastes in music and film but she’s also probably going to be into stuff like vegetarianism, the environment and meditation.

She will be physically incapable of simply ordering food, always sharing multiple dishes with multiple friends, having taken 45 minutes to order it in the first place. Meals will then be discussed up to three weeks after having taken place. After a night out she’ll say things like, “I had a good time talking to Becky and Niamh, but I felt bad because it was Tallulah’s birthday and I didn’t spend much time with her… but then I thought that Chrissy was gonna come down so I had to make sure I was available… but I wanted to dance more with Lauren,” completely in earnest. Perhaps her most sinister attribute will be the way she actively enjoys socializing with sweaty, ape-like Canadian men.

CONCLUSION
They both have vaginas, don’t they?

-PATRICK K

Send “Open Mic” written/video submissions to SBTVC@StreetCarnage.com.

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2. OPEN MIC: MEETING WOMEN IN SOUTHERN ASIA
3. I GOT PUNCHED IN THE FACE (BY ASIAN GIRLS)
4. WHY BLACK GIRLS ON THE INTERNET ARE BETTER THAN WHITE ONES
5. GIRLS IN CUTE UNDERWEAR [NSFW]