READER SUBMITTED CONTENT One night my parents were out of town and I decided to have a little get together at the house. I was 17 and whenever my parents left town, my shitty punk band would come over and we would practice in the living room because of the air conditioning (we live in Florida; it’s fucking hot in the garage). The original idea was to have our friends come over, we’d play a few drunken songs for them, and then we’d all have fun and be drunk and chill.
One night my parents were out of town and I decided to have a little get together at the house. I was 17 and whenever my parents left town, my shitty punk band would come over and we would practice in the living room because of the air conditioning (we live in Florida; it’s fucking hot in the garage). The original idea was to have our friends come over, we’d play a few drunken songs for them, and then we’d all have fun and be drunk and chill.
We took a stop by the Sawgrass Mall’s Oasis to pick up some girls to come over for the party, and lo and behold, this girl I wanted to fuck named Stacy was there and she wanted to come over. I dated her when we were like 14 or something, and ever since I met her I wanted to fuck her. BADLY. So she hopped in my buddy’s gay ass Neon (this kid had fucking plastic glow in the dark stars glued to the inside roof of his car and a Drive-Thru records compilation CD glued in his stereo) and headed back to HQ.
We all got back to the house , and my band proceed to not play but just drink and hang out. I told Stacy we should go to my room and watch a movie or something because it was too loud out in my living room. I was laying in bed talking to her and my dick head friend practically kicked the door open and tried to walk in. Of course I told him to GET THE FUCK OUT!, but she actually got up and closed the door in his face. At this point I realized it was in the fucking bag.
So after a few minutes of making out and whatever I pulled my dick out and got to work. She was and still is, phenomenally gorgeous and def one of the top five hottest girls I’ve ever been with. But what irked me was she didn’t suck dick or let me fuck her doggy, or even let me eat her pussy. The fuck noises she made were almost as if you were watching a porn on mute and decided to make the moans yourself. Because of this, I decided to put on a show and slam her as hard as I possibly could. My headboard was against the window frame and I was absolutely murdering it. I could hear my friends outside cheering me on and laughing, and the louder they cheered, the louder I told her to fake orgasming.
So I finished fucking her and walked back out into the living room to much applause, and she walked out wearing only my CBGB T-shirt (bought it at Hot Topic — STFU) and sat down on the couch next to my best friend, Sherman. I walked out onto my porch and lit up a Newport. I was talking with a couple a friends when I glance back in the house and there was Sherman, finger banging Stacy on my couch in front of everyone. I was like, “Fuck yeah! Go for it!”
Probably a few seconds later, I heard a blood curdling scream and Sherman came running out to the porch with his hand still in finger bang formation. I was like, “What? What?” He held his fingers up to my face and they were just soaked in cunt juice. Oh, and one of my leftover pubes was stuck to his finger.
The rest of that night was pretty uneventful and by 3 AM I wanted to fuck Stacy again, so I threw everyone out and told Sherman that I would call him when I was done. I fucked her in my parents’ bed (which they noticed when they came back and washed their sheets immediately). I fucked her in my sister’s bed, the couch, the kitchen counter, and on the dining room table.
I called Sherman when I was finished and he came back over. We kept drinking and I passed out on my couch in the living room. I woke up the next morning and there were a few sticks of celery, a carrot, a turkey baster, and a bunch of ripped up duct tape all over the floor. Still in a drunken daze, I was wondering what the fuck happened. I asked Sherman and he said, “Let’s go outside, bro. I’ll explain it.”
So he told me that Stacy has a fetish for being tied up (or maybe he has a fetish for tying hoes up?), so he bound her ankles, wrists, and her mouth with duct tape, and instead of fucking her, thought it would be funny to fuck her with vegetables from my mom’s fridge and a turkey baster, and leave nasty, cunt-stained veggies on the carpet all night. How the fuck I didn’t wake up with this going on right next to me, I’ll never know.
After he explained the story to me, Stacy woke up and called her bro to come get her and that was that. Oddly enough, Sherman end up dating her some years later for a little bit, but broke up with her because she was always too busy playing WoW to hang out.
The last time I saw her was a few months ago at a friend’s birthday dinner. In conversation, she said something along the lines of, “Yeah, I’m a cheap date.”
I butted in with, “Yeah, all you need to do is buy a vegetable platter.”