READER SUBMITTED CONTENT My name is Graham and I am a virtuoso-level brilliant musician. I am young, and very soon I will be famous.

My name is Graham and I am a virtuoso-level brilliant musician. I am young, and very soon I will be famous. I have mastered music (wasn’t as hard as I thought), and along the way I’ve picked up a couple tips and tricks to help you out. It’s not easy but it works, and at this point I seriously doubt you have any other options.

STEP 1: HAVE TALENT

This is pretty important. Here’s how to get it:

A) Be born with it
Pretty easy but ridiculously time consuming. You don’t have to do a whole lot but take my word for it, the first 20 years or so can get really boring. That can be a downer. The singer from Nirvana once got so bored, he shot himself. It’s tough, but basically, just focus on how much less work you will have to do than someone who has to …

B) Steal it
Much harder but a lot quicker. You have to be clever, but musicians (and artists in general) are pretty stupid, so it’s not hard to rip them off. The real problems don’t begin until your plan starts to work. Success leads to managers, record labels, and lawyers, so keep an eye on your dude. They’ll start feeding him bullshit, and they only want to get you out of the way so they can be the ones to screw him — that’s your job. The main thing is to avoid contracts; the less they claim, the more you get. If you aren’t the one with talent, you don’t want that in writing.

STEP 2: BE ATTRACTIVE

Probably the most important part of songwriting. It’s pretty obvious: Being attractive makes all art “work better.” There are countless examples and you can think of them on your own. Unfortunately, you can’t steal this one, so you’re going to have to get it from the beginning. There’s no real technique here because, apparently, in birth there are no guarantees. But there are no guarantees in bullfighting either, and you can always tip the odds (drug the bull, etc.). Also, remember: You don’t become President without making a couple back-room deals. A handshake and a wink at the right time can spell the difference between the lush, forbidden bounty of success and the relentless torture of failure.

Everyone cheats, so don’t be a nerd. And don’t take forever with it, just do your research and jump in.

STEP 3: THREADS

As long as you keep it simple, being attractive makes dressing yourself a lot easier. If you followed Step 2, you should already be naturally thin and muscular, so this part will be straightforward. I’m not here to Carebear about you, I’m here to tell you the truth: Writing songs and being famous, just like everything else in your life, will be a lot harder if you’re ugly.

But if you did goof up Step 2, it’s theoretically possible to make up some ground with a little quick-thinking here. Lady GaGa is ridiculously ugly, but her life right now is obviously better than yours. She’s actually a man, but she hides the goods (and her hideous natural appearance) under a ton of ridiculous shit, and everybody loves it. It’s a cheap trick, and that’s what this guide is all about. Take notes, but if that’s your only out, you weren’t listening earlier, so start paying attention or you’re fucked.

If you are just naturally ugly and unfashionable and you still insist on getting into music (for some reason), first of all understand that everyone is going to be mean to you, all the time. Unfortunately, they have the right, so you’re going to have to deal with it. The only exception here is if you’re black, in which case you can get into hip hop. The rules are actually totally different for hip hop, and being ugly is generally a good thing (for example: Jay-Z, everybody in Wu-Tang, everybody from Atlanta, etc.). If you’re ugly and white, learn to be endearing and entertaining to black people and they might let you write their songs (somebody’s gotta do it). But outside of that you’re pretty much fucked. The only other job out there is doing the background music for Sportscenter highlights. Everything else these days is auto-generated.

Also, on stage it really is this simple: props work. I can’t figure it out but I don’t fuck with it. Apparently people never get tired of ridiculous bullshit flying at them. Just treat the audience like animals or children and do whatever makes sense.

STEP 4: BE SUCCESSFUL

Writing a song is way easier when you’re already successful. For example, you can only win a Grammy if you’re a superstar. Also, being unsuccessful is just a waste of time and generally a dead end.

And finally …

STEP 5: DON’T BE OLD

Aging in music sucks and there are no exceptions. You get older, your music gets worse. And even though getting old is generally a bad idea for everybody, it’s literally a million times worse if you’re a woman. Women already have a pretty hazy concept of music, and getting senile and ugly doesn’t exactly help the equation. Sorry. Like I said, I don’t care and these are the rules. If we don’t have rules, we don’t have anything. Unfortunately, that’s the best I can do for you on this one since I’m still young, talented, and good looking. Hopefully I won’t have to deal with it, but if it comes down to it, I’ll just start doing fag art (like painting or poetry).

Anyway, it’s all pretty simple. Writing a song might not be easy, but it’s certainly not complicated.

-GGH

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