LAS VEGAS, NV—Using high-powered telescopes capable of magnifying at over 1000X, scientists in Nevada have announced with more than 99% certainty that they had identified the long-sought Higgs Bosoms.
Commonly referred to as “God Particles,” the Higgs Bosom were identified on the body of Las Vegas resident Wonderhussy, a nude model previously believed to be completely flat-chested. But upon closer inspection with a number of high-powered devices at Groom Lake Research Facility, scientists noticed previously undetected elementary particles in the pectoral area.
A series of experiments conducted last year hadn’t collected enough data to say the particles were defnitively Higgs Bosoms—the last undiscovered piece of the puzzle predicted by the Standard Model, the reigning theory of how standard nude models should be built.
The Standard Model defines a successful nude model as having long, flowing hair, a trim physique, neatly trimmed pubes, and a ripe, full bosom. Wonderhussy boasts all these features save the last—yet somehow she remains a successful model, which led scientists to question the validity of the long-held theory.
The theory was proven correct, however, after several successive tests on Wonderhussy’s chest area, which ultimately revealed the presence of tiny subatomic particles with quantum properties consistent with that of typical bosoms. Under a high-powered microscope, these particles were even found to harden when blasted with cold air, leading scientists to announce Thursday that they had, indeed, identified the long-sought Higgs Bosoms.
“The preliminary results with the full 2012 data set are magnificent, and to me it is clear that we are dealing with Higgs Bosoms,” spokesperson Hugh Jass said in a statement.
He did caution Ms. Hussy not to get too excited, however: “There’s no need to go buying a bra or anything. These Bosoms are not detectable by the naked eye, and they need little if any support.”
“But she still has to cover them up in public,” he hastened to add. “And photos may not be posted on Facebook, nor used as an avatar on Model Mayhem. Higgs Bosoms may spell the universe’s doom in the distant future, and we don’t want our children seeing them.”