Unpopular thoughts are extremely unpopular these days, but somebody has to do something to get this thing fucking spaceship back on the Kessel Run.

PLAN Z is a three-part plan that reeks of simplicity and facts. It will also infuriate bedwetters, people who love Jesus, and those who make decisions based on being “compassionate.”

1) Legalize all drugs.
I know, right? You and every other pot smoker with parking tickets and student loans is dreaming of this day. Newsflash: PLAN Z is not about making it kosh’ to blaze. I’m talking decriminalization of all of it from chronic to crack. Let’s just get this shit out in the open and see who can handle their drugs. This notion has been around forever and the truth is that even people who support it are scared of releasing the zombies. It will be a turbulent few years, but eventually users of certain drugs will develop a stigma (crack-”ghetto,” meth-”redneck,” heroin-”don’t hire me”) and people will finally learn the meaning of responsibility. Imagine the sin-tax revenue Uncle Sam could make from collecting on formerly illegal drugs. Ka-chingchangers!

Also, if drugs are legal, available, and distributed by real businesses instead of drug dealers, please tell me what crime still exists? Rape, robbery, and non-drug-related violence will have plenty of room in prison if there are no offenders of drug crimes in there. How many city murders are not in some way drug related? Jail will start looking as empty as a Kmart (nobody in that bitch). Looks like another budget alleviation for the Washington. Now we can start putting away the real criminals.

2) Pull the troops out of everywhere.
“Ha-ha,” you say. “What kind of idiot thinks the rest of the world can get by (let alone survive) without US troops making sure they are fed and wiped?” Let’s take a gander at how great the continent of Africa is doing. The place has been on babysitting watch for centuries from imperialism to colonization to missionaries to foreign aid. No Western country thinks Africa can take care of itself. Jeez, guys, most of Africa has only been independent for 50 or so years. Let them grow at their own pace instead of thrusting your unwanted Kindle Fire™ into a Himba tribesman’s hands.

Bring these dudes (soldiers) home. The rest of the world can shake its own dick when it gets through with the pee-pee. By the way, as evidenced by Egypt and Libya last year, the Internet has its own way of creeping into these countries and showing people what they’re missing. After that, they tend to get rid of the bad guys on their own instead of harboring a deep white-hot hatred for Americans. We don’t have to force “Always Low Prices” on seven billion people. They’ll get there on their own.

3) Free neutering for humans.
This might be the most controversial portion of the three-part plan, but stick with me. Everyone should have a right to a free vasectomy/tubal ligation. That’s right. On a completely VOLUNTARY basis, should you choose to, you and everyone should have the right to be sterilized. Imagine a middle-aged couple who has decided not to procreate. Imagine an overwhelmed single mom who can’t take another chance. Imagine shrew-faced Jenelle from Teen Mom.

OK, you’re starting to come around. Lots of countries have free medical care and sterilization is a medical procedure. Now conceptualize that there is a federal $1,000 cash bonus (or $1,000 Target card) for the procedure. Overnight, crackheads would cease to multiply. Take into account that the sterilization would be 100% VOLUNTARY. If you would like to breed yourself into a swinging prolapsed uterine state, by all means—go for it! This is a free country. BUT…that 1,000 bucks could make a difference in someone’s life. Especially if they are already burdened by too many offspring, cereal all over the floor, and a Tercel that needs new brakes.

Within one generation, that overpopulation problem (the most inconvenient of truths) could be curtailed. Finally, the environment could heal and the wildlife could flourish. The pointless consumption of the masses would be reduced, as would the waste. A burden of federally funded rehab and social services would be alleviated by simply allowing those who do not want kids to be able to choose not to have them. Ah, the nation could breathe again instead of choking on this Sisyphean debt scenario.

Aaaaannnd, that’s it. Put a bow on it. PLAN Z doesn’t involve a lot of wacky numbers or laws. You can basically live your life the way you always have. There are only three simple precepts that would turn this mother out. It’s yours, homie.

—KENNEDY

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