A sausage artisan proudly displaying his artisan sausages.
At a barbecue a few years ago, the host informed me that he’d be serving “artisan sausages,” which at the time sounded like the gayest thing I’d ever heard in my life.
For the rest of the evening I teased him about the phrase “artisan sausages,” and I still think about the term from time to time merely to amuse myself. And I’m not trying to imply that he’s actually gay, because he’s been married to the same woman for something like 20 years, which would make it even weirder if he was gay, and to complicate things, I’m not going to add that the barbecue took place in 2010 in Decatur, GA, nor that he drives a pickup truck. Like I said, he’s a nice guy, and even if he isn’t gay, which he probably isn’t, “artisan sausages” was still the gayest thing I’d ever heard.
But alas, the artisan sausages have been superseded by the new World Champeen, “artisanal water.”
Molecule is a “water-only” bar in the East Village where highly trained water artisans serve handcrafted hydrogen and oxygen in 16-oz. glasses at $2.50 a pop. The water is run through a sophisticated filtration system that surgically and relentlessly removes every trace and scrap of filth, sin, evil, and bad karma from the water before you enter it into the temple that is your body.
Their website, which is called “The Molecule Project,” which isn’t really an annoying name or anything like that, has a mission statement that reads, in part:
Current reports show NYC tap water to contain a variety of dangerous chemicals, including Chloropicrin, Trihalomethane, Dalapon and Isophorone—all extremely toxic. Not to mention fluoride and chlorine….
OK, if you’re not going to mention fluoride and chlorine, why do you mention them? I don’t even know what those first four chemicals are; they all sound like psych meds. But then you say you’re not going to mention fluoride and chlorine, which are the only two chemicals whose names I’d realize if you mentioned them, and then you go ahead and mention them, anyway. Sometimes, I really don’t GET you.
The water bar’s owner, whose name I’ll spare you because I honestly don’t want you to attack him for saying stupid things, says, “It’s about treating water a little more consciously, mindfully and respectfully. We are trying to change the way people think about water.”
I think people who are trying to change the way people think about water should be denied water until they stop thinking about water so much.