A sausage artisan proudly displaying his artisan sausages.
At a barbecue a few years ago, the host informed me that he’d be serving “artisan sausages,” which at the time sounded like the gayest thing I’d ever heard in my life.
For the rest of the evening I teased him about the phrase “artisan sausages,” and I still think about the term from time to time merely to amuse myself. And I’m not trying to imply that he’s actually gay, because he’s been married to the same woman for something like 20 years, which would make it even weirder if he was gay, and to complicate things, I’m not going to add that the barbecue took place in 2010 in Decatur, GA, nor that he drives a pickup truck. Like I said, he’s a nice guy, and even if he isn’t gay, which he probably isn’t, “artisan sausages” was still the gayest thing I’d ever heard.
But alas, the artisan sausages have been superseded by the new World Champeen, “artisanal water.”
Molecule is a “water-only” bar in the East Village where highly trained water artisans serve handcrafted hydrogen and oxygen in 16-oz. glasses at $2.50 a pop. The water is run through a sophisticated filtration system that surgically and relentlessly removes every trace and scrap of filth, sin, evil, and bad karma from the water before you enter it into the temple that is your body.
Their website, which is called “The Molecule Project,” which isn’t really an annoying name or anything like that, has a mission statement that reads, in part:
Current reports show NYC tap water to contain a variety of dangerous chemicals, including Chloropicrin, Trihalomethane, Dalapon and Isophorone—all extremely toxic. Not to mention fluoride and chlorine….
OK, if you’re not going to mention fluoride and chlorine, why do you mention them? I don’t even know what those first four chemicals are; they all sound like psych meds. But then you say you’re not going to mention fluoride and chlorine, which are the only two chemicals whose names I’d realize if you mentioned them, and then you go ahead and mention them, anyway. Sometimes, I really don’t GET you.
The water bar’s owner, whose name I’ll spare you because I honestly don’t want you to attack him for saying stupid things, says, “It’s about treating water a little more consciously, mindfully and respectfully. We are trying to change the way people think about water.”
I think people who are trying to change the way people think about water should be denied water until they stop thinking about water so much.
I blame Anthony Bourdain.
Wasn’t Domino’s new “Artisan Pizza” slogans all about rape suggestion?
My gf and I visited the “mineral water bar” (complete w “water sommeliers”) @ ultra-hipster thread shack Colette in Paris in the summer of 2005. As expected, place was teeming with anxious benelux Benetton teens sampling the delights of chemically filtered, sterilized de-mineralized pure h20. If you yanks keep aping after every soulless eurotrash whim, you too’ll end up allergic-to-everything aenemic wrecks with no immune system. Just sayin..
Won’t taste as good as that first sip of hose water that runs cold after you finally pump out all the hot shit that’s been sitting in the sun.
Apparently McDonalds has an Executive Chef who is capable of preparing artisanal Big Macs in the corporate HQ kitchen. This artisanal shit really took off after the domination of Starbucks and and the “micro-brewery” became a household word.
Looking forward to retrieving my green card so I can chug down my artisanal Coney Island chilidawgs & chase it down with debacterialized hudson river Heidi-Klum-fontaine-gushing orgasm well spring water. Zippety-doo-dah!
U yanks like yr “sausage fests”, dont’ya?
One of the biggest Hipster Shocks of my life was walking into an O2 bar in San Francisco. I’d stepped into a random spot for coffee, and found the wall lined with sophisticates reading smart magazines with oxygen tubes stuck in their upturned noses. These people were paying good money to breathe air. Bet they’re all sipping some bullshit-infused “artisan water” as I type this.
Artisanal water key word anal. I went to some bar in London circa 99 where you would do a shot of vodka then inhale oxygen from a thing. There’s a sucker born every minute.
so obnoxious.
I like the artisan bread at Panera’s baked by an 18 year old Old World craftsman from the restaurant career school at the vo-tech.
Does an artisan meal culminate in a artisan shit beacuse I always wanted to squeeze out a masterwork.
not sure why it’s called the artesian well, but this is a real thing: http://olympiawa.gov/city-utilities/drinking-water/water-quality/Artesian%20Well%20Olympia/History
“Artesian well” is a technical term.
“Artisanal water” is a pretentious term.
The new concept in hipsterist café technology; the Hipster Centipede Bistro! Wherein the well-off urbanite cognoscenti get each others mouths sewn to each others assholes in an infinite loop of pointless shit being regurgitated over and over, endlessly… Oh, wait. It’s already happening, and it’s called “edgy lifestyle journalism”…
I hate this trend of “old world style” “farm to table” for a price. I work at a restaurant that caters to this type of clientele. A customer came in and asked me to smell the sourdough that his friend was about to purchase, earlier the same jerk asked if we had seeds in our rye. I had just started working there and wasn’t sure so I offered him a FREE sample of our bread, he says “if there are seeds in it I don’t even want to bother. not b/c he was allergic or anything just because he was some elitist foodie dickbag. If he had ever actually worked in a kitchen he wouldn’t even fix his mouth to say that shit. I can’t deal with this paying lots of money to live like a “peasant” mess. I gave my notice last week.