There is no such thing as “dark circles under the eyes.”

Anyone who’d call them “circles” obviously never took a geometry class. For starters, the “circles” are distinctly crescent-shaped, almost like an aerial photo of a chocolate croissant. And the darkened skin rims the eyes like the brown nimbus around the human anus. Thus, I call them “Anus Eyes.”
For some reason known only to the Lord God Jehovah who made us in the shape of his own testicles, this look seems to work far better on women than it does on men.

Here’s a picture of New Jersey “hate blogger” Hal Turner next to a picture of a human anus. Tell me you’d be able to distinguish the two in a police lineup:

All men from India have Anus Eyes, including lizardlike Swami Prabhuphada of Hare Krishna fame:

Phillip Baker Hall, who played Bookman the “Library Cop” on Seinfeld and Dr. Morrison on Curb Your Enthusiasm, has a savage set of Anus Eyes. I think his Anus Eyes might even have hemorrhoids.

Brian George, who played Babu Bhatt on Seinfeld, has such severe Anus Eyes, they might even have ass cancer:

Quick, somebody grab some toilet paper! Former New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino‘s eyes just took a shit!

I would be remiss not to mention our current pope, whose name is The Pope:

And to round out the gents, here’s Lebanese child-killer Samir Kuntar:

For some reason—perhaps a syncretic mix of makeup, lighting, and bad nutrition—the look only seems to work well on female silent-movie stars. These are all Anus Eyes you can take home to mom:

Theda Bara

Pola Negri

Mary Pickford

Lillian Gish

Mabel Normand

Gloria Swanson

Is there a special pair of Anus Eyes out there that have captured your heart, mind, soul, spirit, consciousness, and imagination? If so, I frickin’ BEG of you to share your sentiments with us in the comments below!

—JIM GOAD

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