I pride myself on precision, accuracy, and organizational skills, so before I present you with my latest problem, I feel it’s necessary to explain what I mean in this headline.
The word “where,” at least in this context, does not refer to where on my balls I should shave. Clearly, I should shave everywhere on them until they’re as shiny and smooth as a tiny pair of flesh-colored birthday-party balloons.
So instead, the headline refers to where the actual ritual of ball-shaving should take place. Right now, I’m faced with a perplexing dilemma of whether I should shave them in the shower or in my bathroom sink.
This may not seem like much of a problem to you, because maybe you’re one of the lazy and uneducated masses who don’t understand things such as Excel spreadsheets and cost-benefit ratios. In a way I feel sorry for you, but that is eclipsed by the overwhelming sense of contempt and outright hatred I have for you and your “ilk.”
Like most decent men who are concerned about their genitals’ hygiene and cosmetic appearance, I shave my balls thrice weekly: Monday night, Wednesday night, and Friday night, from 6:00 to 6:10PM each time. Yes, I’m more than a little disturbed by the fact that this schedule leaves two full nights (namely, Saturday and Sunday) where no ball-shaving takes place, and this throws my whole week off because it’s not symmetrical, but don’t blame me for the fact that there are an odd, rather than an even, number of days in the week—blame God.
During a financial test run three months ago, I endured the agony of dry-shaving my balls for an entire month merely so I could gauge what financial impact it had upon my household expenses if I were to finally choose between shaving my balls in the sink or in the shower. Using this “dry” month as a control variable, I then proceeded to shave my balls for an entire month in the shower, and then the next month in the sink. Then I compared each month’s water bills. Basically, it was $1.43 more expensive to shave my balls in the shower per month than in the sink—or in layman’s terms, 11 cents per shaving. (average month has 4.3 weeks, which works out to 12.9 shavings per month…1.43 divided by 9 = 11.08572 cents, which I’ve rounded down to 11 cents, even thought it’s not exact—in short, I like rounded numbers more than I like being exact, although I hate the fact that I have to choose).
So, clearly, from a purely financial standpoint, it makes obvious economic sense to shave my balls in the sink. But here is where it gets emotional rather than factual, an area in which I’m entirely uncomfortable.
The problem is that when I hang my balls in the sink and start shaving them with a hand-held razor, I often have the compulsion to shave my balls right off of my body. Does that sound weird to you? It sounds a little weird to me, but that’s why I’m asking. I often wonder whether it’s worth $1.43 per month to avoid the existential terror I feel at the possibility that I might shave off my own balls.
Of course, there’s always the option of laser hair removal. I’ve worked on the spreadsheets, and it would take approximately 14 years (14 years, 2 months, 11 days, 4 hours, 3 minutes, and 7 seconds, if you want to be anal about it) to recoup the expense of cosmetic surgery. Then again, after that time interval is reached, I’ll never have to pay again to shave my balls. But then yet again, I may not be alive in 14 years, so I would have wasted an investment.
This is why I’m coming to you. What should I do?
—PROBLEM MAN
Q: Where should I shave my balls?
A: Duh, Between your legs!
based on the title of your article (i didn’t bother reading it) : no
what is it with men shaving their balls? does it feel good? Do women or men pay more attention to that area if it’s hairless? please explain. I’ve heard about this from boyfriends and it’s a sign of vanity according to gay male friends. help me understand.
Crabgrass is clearly missing the point. Balls should be shaved in the shower. The lack of clean up is a fair trade for the $.11 per-sink-shaving savings, not to mention avoiding the temptation of shearing off one’s testes.
Hahaha. I love Excel, therefore I love this article and your approach.
I’ve never felt this terror you experience, so I can’t help you there.. but you have a good head on your shoulders and confront problems with wisdom and consider the multiple variables involved. I trust that the decision you make will be brave and correct.
PS.. Have you considered the cost of Laser hair removal declining in the future? That would throw your pivot tables way off. I haven’t followed the procedure’s cost over the months/years so I don’t know if waiting would benefit you/your balls.
Good luck sir.
If you spend this much time thinking about shaving you balls then you’re living your life wrong
I’ve been shaving my balls in the shower for at least 10 years. Always use conditioner, it works better than any shaving cream. After a few months you become a ball shaving robot warrior. I shave my balls more than I shave my face. I don’t even think about it. Also, use a different razor or you will remember that you’re using the same one to shave your face and feel terribly about yourself. You can make jokes all you want about shaving your balls being for guido types. But once I told a group of 8 male and female friends and they made jokes. A year later most of the guys were asking for tips, most of the females I had fucked by then. Take from that what you will. 4 more years.
Dangle your coin purse over a cheap dollar-store waste bin in your bathroom and then start your engines!
The answer is, shave your balls sitting on the toilet, use some soap.
Wash the razor to prevent rust.
I whack off so furiously, the hair flies off like a dog with mange.
How can you do the analysis on the cost of the water and then not factor in your time?!
It might take 14 years to recoup laser surgery counting only water, but at 10 minutes a shave and $20/hr … I bet it’s easily cut in half.
Personally, I’m content to trim. I’m afraid of the blades, what with the wrinkles.
Just do it over an open toilet.
Just trim your ball hair over the garbage can. Save your $1.43 and stop the fear you will shave your balls off your body.