Marriage proposals are hot commodity on the Internet these days.
On YouTube alone, there are 602 results for the search term “!!!Best Marriage Proposal EVER!!!”, and that’s not even including “!!EPIC Marriage Proposal!!” or “!!Greatest Marriage Proposal of ALL TIME!!” or the hundreds that no doubt misspell the word “marriage.”
In the past, a marriage proposal was considered “epic” if you dropped the ring in a glass of champagne. It was especially epic if she swallowed the ring and choked and died. But in 2012, you can’t get married without a choreographer, a complete Broadway cast, a video editor with 7-10 years’ experience using Final Cut Pro, and a stable of thoroughbred horses dressed like Lady Gaga.
Here’s a typical proposal video I picked out at random (one of 602, single ladies!), in which waiters bring out four plates of something that appears to be melted ghee or lemon jelly with the words “Will. You. Marry. Me.” sloppily written on each individual plate in chocolate or meat or blood or something.
My favorite part is how she’s checking her iPhone when the lemon meat crème brulee proposal butter plates come out. Classy and attentive!
I’m not a picky romantic, but I really hope my boyfriend doesn’t propose to me via a series of plates. (If you’re reading this sweetheart, I would prefer the proposal to take place at a family-style restaurant, spelled out across the front lawn using hundreds of roast chickens and bowls of corn.)
Meanwhile, a marriage proposal is considered an “!!EPIC FAIL!!” if the woman says no and is caught on camera doing so. Even more embarrassing is when you accidentally get a boom mike in one of the shots.
Personally, I don’t see what’s so awful about saying no. It’s actually quite kind and unselfish to let someone move on if you don’t want to commit to them. Plus, not getting married stops horrible things like this from happening, but I’m sure they love each other and are nice and will have white babies or whatever).
With that being said, I believe I actually have found the one !!!!!!EPIC WORST MOST EMBARASSINGLY BAD WEDDING PROPOSAL EVER YOU WILL LMFOA I DARE YOU NOT TO LOVE THIS!!!!! most terrible wedding proposal in history.
This rich Russki named Alexey Bykov faked his own death in front of his girlfriend Irina in order to prove to her how “meaningless” her life would be without him. Clearly a modest and self-assured man!
Like a Dostoevsky character without the interesting qualities, Alexey Insecurenicov Sociopathilov (Douchenozzledov) covered himself in fake blood and hired a film director as well as actors to pretend to be paramedics and pronounce him dead at the scene as his girlfriend watched in horror.
Because when you really love someone, you need to scare them into loving you back. That is just how love works!
(Then again, what did we expect from a country whose president is planning to don a fake beak and fly with cranes?)
Thankfully the Super AIDS of terrible proposals was caught on video HERE.
Fast-forward to 46 seconds to see a conflict-shaken Irina practically diarrhea all over her thighs as inappropriate “celebratory” fireworks go off on a lawn. Alexey actually has to place her in a bear hold in order to stop her from fleeing, like you do in all good marriage proposals. After a jump cut (during which I assume he plied her with vodka and pills) she inexplicably agrees to marry this psychotic imbecile. She will now be subjected to a lifetime of STDs he picks up from Russian trannies while on “business trips.”
What we, the viewers, don’t know, however, is that this wasn’t Alexey’s first big plan for how to propose to his girlfriend! In reality, he had conceptualized for years before settling upon the perfect romantic scheme to steal his loved one’s precious heart and give her PTSD.
Here are some of the other ideas Alexey had before he settled on the car accident.
SAW TRAP OF LOVE
“Hello Irina, I want to play a game,” says a strange voice, which later turns out to be Alexey’s fourth-grade teacher.
Across the room, Alexey hangs limp and bloody from an open iron maiden.
“Up until this point in your life, you have passively enjoyed being loved by Alexey. Now, it is time for you to put your FINGER on what it is you really love about him. Hidden inside your knuckle is the combination to stop the iron maiden from closing. Are you willing to lose a piece of yourself in order to save him?”
Irina uses a tiny guillotine to chop off her finger. Inside the stump where her ring finger used to be, the phrase “Will you marry me?” is written on the bone. Alexey jumps out from inside the iron maiden and yells “Surprise!” He places the ring on the finger stump and takes an overjoyed Irina to the hospital to reattach her lost digit. Three weeks later, she dies of staph infection. Fireworks go off!
THE WEDDING RING FACTORY
Alexey drives Irina to an abandoned wedding ring factory, where he promises to “make all her dreams come true.” Once inside, a group of Haitian refugees with AIDS rape her for three straight days without respite. As Irina defecates on herself, the assailants force her to dig through her own feces. There, in a pile of her own waste, she finds a diamond ring and a note that says “Spend the rest of your life with me.” The Haitians then launch into a choreographed dance number set to Justin Bieber’s “Baby” as an overjoyed Alexey bursts into the room, having videotaped the entire staged prank for YouTube. Three weeks later, she dies of a staph infection. Fireworks everywhere!
IF YOUR EYE OFFENDS THEE
Alexey suggests a romantic picnic, during which the couple will take art supplies into the country to “sketch beautiful butterflies.” Once there, Alexey pushes Irina face-first onto two pencils, blinding her for life. After reassuring her that she is still beautiful (but only to him), he proposes to her with a piece of chalk that he claims is a million-gazillion-dollar diamond. She gladly accepts, knowing that she is unlovable now. She cannot see the fireworks, but they are beautiful. She dies.
PROPOSAL AT SEA
Irina has always wanted to visit Kenya and pet a real giraffe, but it looks like this Russian beauty is in for the ride of her life because she’s about to be abducted and sold to Somali Pirates! They use her body as a human bridge in order to cross over to another boat, but when they seize control of the crew, Irina discovers the ship’s captain is none other than Alexey, who lights off fireworks as the pirates sing “That’s Amore.” Then the pirates rape the both of them and throw them into the sea.
MY FEMININE SIDE
Convincing Irina that he is a woman trapped in a man’s body, Alexey fakes undergoing a lengthy sex-change operation, then proposes to her as a woman. The only catch is that the now feminine Alexey wants to marry her as a man. He pays for her to have her breasts removed, then he breaks up with her because she is ugly and has no boobs. Fireworks!
(As an aside, typing in the phrase: “!!Totally Normal Marriage Proposal!!” brought up zero exact matches, except for this awesome conspiracy video which claims that Beyoncé’s baby isn’t real, it’s a doll.)