As the nights grow cooler and the leaves turn to somber shades of yellow, orange, and brown before finally dying and falling to the ground, the magical month of September has gifted us with yet another bumper crop of rump-related news stories.
Lebanon’s Justice Minister has boldly called for an end to the primitive, savage, hateful, and quite humorous practice of conducting anal probes on men’s asses to determine whether they’re gay. “In Lebanon there will be no more anal tests,” declared Shakib Qortbawi on September 1 in response to a mass anal probe of three dozen Lebanese men (like Betty White on The Golden Girls, we always get the Lebanese and the lesbians confused!) after police raided a gay porn theater. A Lebanese human-rights activist is calling for reform of the country’s penal code, which we’re mentioning merely because the word “penal” is funny.
In the gentle and highly civilized country of Ghana, which everyone who’s honest will admit is far more advanced and tolerant than the American South, a “communal toilet accident” on Saturday led to an undisclosed number of deaths and injuries as heavy rains apparently led to the public commode’s collapse. As one news account puts it, “large boulders and debris laced with thick human excreta were brought out as the search for survivors continued.”
In the pristine and tolerant nation of Zimbabwe, which any intelligent and enlightened soul would admit is a fine place to live and raise a family, city officials in Harare are calling for the entire city to flush their toilets at the same time to help unblock clogged sewers.
In brighter news from the Dark Continent this month, a teenage girl in Sierra Leone was finally cured of an anal fistula.
A team of medical researchers revealed that if you choose to receive a colonoscopy to determine the general condition of your poop chute, there’s a chance you might explode.
The highly anticipated, Oscar-buzzworthy film Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead was released to almost universal indifference.