I’m not a liberal, but I play one on TV.
This week I appeared on the Fox News show Red Eye as “Miles McInnes,” my progressive brother. (My real-life brother is actually pretty libertarian.)
When liberals do imitations of conservatives they usually portray some cigar-chomping bloated pig who loves money, hates the poor, and thinks blacks need to “get the heck back to Africa.” These ridiculous caricatures exist because most liberals have never met any true Republicans.
I’m in the opposite boat. I’m around liberals every day. In fact, I used to be one, so making fun of them is easy. It’s also hard to exaggerate. Liberals “hate hatred, won’t tolerate intolerance, and conspire with others against conformity.”
Here are ten unbelievable things I said on that episode that are totally believable.
1. The US soccer team shirts that said, “GREATNESS HAS BEEN FOUND” were racist, sexist, and a lot of other “ists.”
Nike had a campaign recently called “Find Your Greatness.” The shirts they gave the soccer team to wear were a nice finale to the campaign. They showcased American pride, which most liberals find disgusting. When George W. was in power, I would wear an American flag shirt around Brooklyn that said, “Real Men Wear Stripes.” It constantly got boos and hisses and I even had one NYU student yell, “Oh, yeah? Says you!,” which was impossible to deny.
Miles claimed the shirts were racist because the victory was over Japan’s soccer team and to gloat was to trivialize the suffering we imposed on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. On the show, I agreed with the New York Times columnist who said the message was “gross.” I also said the shirts were sexist and even ageist and said, “They’re a lot of ists, actually.” I forgot sizeist, but TIME magazine had my back on that one.
2. Making jokes about being molested by the ghost of Rutherford B. Hayes is homophobic.
I have no idea if the 19th President of the United States was gay, but I do know that saying anything about gays that isn’t 100% positive is 100% homophobic. Eddie Murphy told us (from experience) that gay jokes will lead to having “a nation of fags looking for you.” More recently Tracy Morgan had to go on an apology rampage after making a joke about killing his son if the kid turned out to be gay. Gay comedian Oliver Callan was forced to come out of the closet after being accused of homophobia for making a closet joke. You can’t make this stuff up.
3. The only reason we’re refusing Venezuelan oil is it doesn’t involve fighting a war in the Middle East on Israel’s behalf.
Liberals love Venezuela. The Daily Kos is under the impression that the country lavishes their elderly with benefits while we pepper-spray ours. And when Chavez sent our poor some token trickkles of oil, Daily Kos said, “Maybe the upside to being engaged in the wars in Afghanistan & Iraq is that it means the US just doesn’t have the capacity to conduct its usual strategies….” That same article says that Chavez “appears to have been elected….”
Does Sean Penn realize what would happen to him if he lived in Venezuela? As Sean’s Colors costar Maria Conchita Alonso told him, “the [Venezuelan] government controls 92% of media communications.” We’re avoiding Chavez for the same reasons we avoid Fidel. He’s a dictator.
I also said, “Israelis are Nazis,” which caused a lot of gasps in the studio but is common parlance in the left. Even Muslims parrot the accusation (which is confusing because they also love Mein Kampf).
4. Romney hasn’t paid taxes in 10 years, he is pro-death panels, and he let a woman die.
Harry Reid said the first one and many are speculating it’s a rumor Obama wanted to get out there without incriminating himself. We’ve seen the attack ad where Romney’s VP choice pushes your granny off a cliff. And everybody knows the Democrats put together an absurd ad that implied Romney’s plant closings led to at least one woman’s death (an allegation that blew up in Obama’s face).
5. People ignore Romney’s faults because they’re scared of a black president.
Obama is so black, it rubbed off on his vice president. Last week he told a room of his fellow African Americans that Romney’s going to “put y’all back in chains.” Even though half the country knowingly elected a black man, we’re constantly scolded about our racist country and that the only reason these “crackers” hate Obama (or even support his opponents) is because the sight of black skin makes them scream.
6. I don’t like Mormonism because it’s racist.
When lefty blogger Eric Ball dared to question Islam’s loving peacefulness, Daily Kos banned him. But when the religion is predominantly white, all bets are off. A Kos blogger who goes by the name “Republicans are Racist” (seriously, that’s the nom de plume he chose) described Mormonism as a “Racist Cult.”
7. We need to open our eyes to old people and sexuality.
Old people aren’t hot. I’m 42 and I already look like an apple that got left in the back seat of a car all summer. In twenty years, I’m going to look like AIDS. However, because sexy is a positive adjective, liberals have to apply it to everyone who doesn’t deserve it. In their world, pregnant women are sexy, fat people are hot, and one of the sexiest men in America has a semi-melted face. A New York Times writer says, “it is rarely age per se that accounts for declines in libido among those in the second half-century of life” and thinks it’s easy for the very old to be “sexually desirable beings.” What else is sexy—burqas? Yep!
8. Islam is feminist because the burqa shows that women are not sex objects.
Not only does Naomi Wolf want us to know that Muslim women feel that being veiled is a way to be “liberated from what they experienced as the intrusive, commodifying, basely sexualizing [sic] Western gaze,” she also says it’s really sexy. That’s right. When only your husband gets to see you not in a black polyester bag, “Victoria’s Secret, elegant fashion and skin care lotions abound.” What’s next—the erotic allure of honor killings? Am I the only guy with a boner right now?
9. Faux News Lies.
I had scrawled this phrase on a picket sign, but the show’s ombudsman Andy Levy pointed out that the double negative negates the point. Isn’t fake news supposed to lie? Saying “Not Real News is Lies” is like saying “Fake is bullshit.” On its own, “Faux News” makes the point and so would “Fox News Lies,” but the combination cannibalizes itself. Despite this brutally obvious contradiction, there are still hundreds of thousands of instances of liberals using it as a slogan.
10. If you ever get a time machine, go back to when Hitler was a baby and tell him to fuck off.
OK, that one was inaccurate. If anyone would be OK with murdering a baby, it’s a liberal.
Besides that one subtle exaggeration, everything I said that night was something the left has said many times before. It’s hard to make jokes about them because every time you try to come up with some hyperbolic example of what they believe, they already believe it.