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No, it’s not the author. And no, we don’t have this guy’s phone number, either.
The other night I was jerking off to porn—one of those really, really, good jerks to a slammin’ hot twenty-something being fucked for the first time on film.
I can’t jack off to famous porn stars because they’ve already been split in half too many times—it’s disgusting. I like these innocent girls that are making the huge fucking mistake of entering this business for the first time. Their souls haven’t been fucked out of them yet. They’re still human.
I’m about to pop. She’s so fucking pretty! I wonder what her hair smells like and how she would kiss me. I imagine how warm her tight little pussy must feel. At this point my balls are about to go off like the bombs dropped on Pearl Harbor, I let out a moan and fucking explode.
As always, that first squirt of cum is more like a baby drooling, but that second eruption is full of raw power. I’m looking down at my dick and this fuckin’ huge cum wad tags me like a dead fish below the right eye (no bullshit.) I still can’t stop jerking off because this orgasm feels better than money, so I just power through it until every last body twitch has been yanked out of me and I’m left with this pearl jam on my cheek. It’s all warm and shit. I’m trying to be grossed out by what just happened, but it’s so fucking funny because I’m picturing my dead relatives looking down at me like, “Come on, dude, we can all see what you’re doing down there.”
My dad’s like, “That’s not my son,” and grandpa agrees. Can you imagine how fucking embarrassing it’s gonna be if heaven actually exists? I don’t mind everyone watching me have sex because I know they’re thinking, “You know for a Ginge, that dude fucks a lot of hot chicks.”
I have to jerk off at least six times a day whenever I’m hung over. That sucks. Are other men doing this shit? I never jerk off more than when I’m hung over. It’s like a cure because my mind is momentarily taken off the fact I feel like I’m dying. I beat the meat like a mad man after a full night of drinking. That’s a huge bummer if my dead family is watching, but I mean shit, like they weren’t doing the same things when they were alive.
Those first three days in heaven are going to be some serious shit. You know how when you do something so embarrassing while wasted the next day you can’t even face the world and wish you were dead? Like shitting your pants or finally confessing your creepy love for a girl that considers you more like her brother? You just want to curl up and die in these moments. That’s what heaven is like. It sucks.
But fuck it, I’m going to hell anyway.
—JESSE ANDREW
I write anonymous snarky comments. Edgy.
the temporary masturbation/sex cure for hangovers is very normal and there is no heaven…the guilt is real, though.
That was funny as hell.
Serves you right! Dam Pi-pi touchers and their compulsions!
i’m pretty sure i also laughed my ass off the first time i came on my own face. how could you not?
Yo Jesse, when I’m hungover, why are my orgasms more powerful? Blood Pressure?
Are you 13?
I’ve actually googled this before because being hungover makes me horny as fuck, so you’re not alone brother; also agree on the porn selection.
What movie/scene was it? Links please.
Kinsley Amis advised against it, and he was a pretty good drunk, so…
hahahahahahahaha
this is quality
My last roommate would masterbate in the livining room, no joke-from 4 pm until 3 am daily. It go so awkward for me to use the bathroom that I resorted to pissing in empty bottels. I hated when he would ask me to help him fix his shitty laptop. It was always greasy and sticky. I started to make up lies and say, “oh man, that’s a PC, I use a Mac and have no idea how to use one of those.”
He tried to join a “self-help group” for other sex addicts and cronic masterbators. To me that’s like having an exercise class at an all you can eat KFC.
He is a children’s clown for a living-but turned tricks in the living room in the evening. Not to mention that he has almost every mental illness and took a cocktail of drugs everyday.
Here is his website. He actually thinks that one day he will have a one man show on Broadway. FYI-he would jerk off sitting next to his puppets.
http://www.olliesadventures.com/
The best picture is with him and Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks is like “get this fucking nut away from me.”
Thankfully I live by myself now. He was pissed when I moved out because, ” when I get a new roommate, I will have to jerk off in my room!”
I hate that fucker and he still won’t give me my depost back because I only gave him 3 weeks notice!
sometimes I get so worked up I just jerk off into my shirt because I don’t feel like fetching a tissue. Then I put it in the “jizzed on” laundry bin, because I have two and one is, duh, jizz free.
Haha, I’m a glory-hole rodent who calls myself “Beef”! Even I wouldn’t fuck me!
Unfortunately, I AM the only one who’d fuck me
Tee hee. The internet’s serious business. But I’m not a queer. Just wanted to set the record “straight,” so to speak.
Hahahahahah, you put that word in quotes, implying something else. Whuh oh!
@CArly Jones
Carly, I only spank the crank from say 11PM to 2AM, albeit daily. I understand how uncomfortable you were with that wierdo. Come live with me. I secrete much more discreet. PS do you have photos????????????