No, it’s not the author. And no, we don’t have this guy’s phone number, either.
The other night I was jerking off to porn—one of those really, really, good jerks to a slammin’ hot twenty-something being fucked for the first time on film.
I can’t jack off to famous porn stars because they’ve already been split in half too many times—it’s disgusting. I like these innocent girls that are making the huge fucking mistake of entering this business for the first time. Their souls haven’t been fucked out of them yet. They’re still human.
I’m about to pop. She’s so fucking pretty! I wonder what her hair smells like and how she would kiss me. I imagine how warm her tight little pussy must feel. At this point my balls are about to go off like the bombs dropped on Pearl Harbor, I let out a moan and fucking explode.
As always, that first squirt of cum is more like a baby drooling, but that second eruption is full of raw power. I’m looking down at my dick and this fuckin’ huge cum wad tags me like a dead fish below the right eye (no bullshit.) I still can’t stop jerking off because this orgasm feels better than money, so I just power through it until every last body twitch has been yanked out of me and I’m left with this pearl jam on my cheek. It’s all warm and shit. I’m trying to be grossed out by what just happened, but it’s so fucking funny because I’m picturing my dead relatives looking down at me like, “Come on, dude, we can all see what you’re doing down there.”
My dad’s like, “That’s not my son,” and grandpa agrees. Can you imagine how fucking embarrassing it’s gonna be if heaven actually exists? I don’t mind everyone watching me have sex because I know they’re thinking, “You know for a Ginge, that dude fucks a lot of hot chicks.”
I have to jerk off at least six times a day whenever I’m hung over. That sucks. Are other men doing this shit? I never jerk off more than when I’m hung over. It’s like a cure because my mind is momentarily taken off the fact I feel like I’m dying. I beat the meat like a mad man after a full night of drinking. That’s a huge bummer if my dead family is watching, but I mean shit, like they weren’t doing the same things when they were alive.
Those first three days in heaven are going to be some serious shit. You know how when you do something so embarrassing while wasted the next day you can’t even face the world and wish you were dead? Like shitting your pants or finally confessing your creepy love for a girl that considers you more like her brother? You just want to curl up and die in these moments. That’s what heaven is like. It sucks.
But fuck it, I’m going to hell anyway.