Motherfuck Mark Zuckerberg. I haven’t been this jealous of a twenty-eight-year-old since Michael Jackson took Webster to the Grammys.

If you wanna get suicidal, check out this list of Apple Stock v. Apple Products. If you had bought stock in Apple instead of that G3 Powerbook in 1997, you’d be rich.

It’s fairy tales like this that make people go mental and spend their daughter’s entire college fund on Friday’s Facebook IPO.

(This would be the worst idea ever, except that the 25k this guy has saved for his daughter’s college will pay for about half a year of Vassar, so he might as well bet it all on Black.)

Every single finance person that you know will tell you to stay as far away from the Facebook IPO as you can. They say it’s Muppet bait:

1. You can’t get anywhere near the IPO price. That’s for billionaires. (This is the true problem with Wall Street. It’s not capitalism, it truly is a bro’s-before-ho’s fratboy-insider’s game.)

2. Other Bubble 2.0 Tech IPOs like Groupon and Pandora have flopped.

3. A whole bunch of other legitimate business reasons that only apply to long-term investors and not what the fuck I’m about to tell you.

Here’s the fucking deal:

Fuck Facebook’s revenue, their trajectory, their whole company’s future. Fuck whether GM pulls their ads, fuck whether they can monetize mobile, and fuck what other IPOs have done. You know what supply and demand is? The demand for the STOCK is the biggest thing ever. When it goes public on Friday, there is going to be a massive POP when everyone and their mother buys this stock.

Here’s how to cash in:

1. Take the day off work on Friday.
2. Sit by your computer hitting Refresh on E-Trade and hope you can buy shares below $50.
3. Wait for a couple of hours and the stock will be at $75.
4. Don’t get greedy—sell at $75 and you’ve made a SHITLOAD of money. (DON’T try to short it because you’ll fuck it up—it’ll go up for a while before it crashes—besides, shorting it would be rational, and the whole point of this is to anticipate sheeps’ reactions and cash in, not to make a legitimate speculation as to a stock’s performance.)
6. Profit with strippers and expensive highs.

DO IT, U WON’T: just sit there and watch it happen and see me be right and be angry at yourself for not getting in as usual. That’s what I’ll be doing.

Worst. Jew. Ever.

–BENJAMIN LEO
@TheBenWord

[anyone actually buying this stock is retarded. don't do it. duh.]

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