David Berkowitz then…
David Berkowitz, AKA "Son Of Sam," known mainly for killing people with guns, has come out in favor of gun control.
Excuse me? Let me see if I got this straight.
Do as I say, not as I do, I guess?
Mind your own beeswax, Berkowitz. Do we go around saying there needs to be more shiv regulation where you live?
If you asked him his position on gun control in 1977, it would have been, "Guns don’t kill people, people kill people."
So we’ve heard!
If I remember correctly, he was going around shooting people at random because his neighbor’s dog, Sam, told him to.
CU-ckoo! CU-ckoo! If my neighbor’s dog, Greg, could talk—and he can’t—I’m not doing a damn thing he says anyway.
If Greg said to me, "Shift, need you to go on a killing spree," I’m saying, "Didn’t I just see you humping the mailman’s leg? But you’ve got good ideas, too?"
Do I tell him how to lick his balls?
Your neighbor’s dog should never be your go-to destination for sage advice.
And if your neighbor’s dog DOES tell you to shoot up the place, maybe get a second opinion. Check with the goldfish.
The other side of that coin is, if Berkowitz couldn’t get his mitts on a gun back in the late 70s, he would have had to throw the bullets at people.
Causing a lot of people around New York to go, "Tha FUCK, man!?"
But at least they’d still be alive. And Berkowitz woulda got his ass kicked, which is long overdue.
"OW! HELP! SAM! WHAT DO I DO NOW?" Maybe seek some professional help. From someone on two feet.
And what does Sam have to say about gun control?
"Society has to take the glory out of guns. Young people have no business carrying a gun. If you’re packing a gun, you’re making a big mistake, and you’ll regret it."
Oh, what a coincidence. Same as Berkowitz. Why don’t you just lift your leg on our Second Amendment rights, Fido? And there needs to be free government-issued Milk-Bones® for all dogs, right? Right?
In a week where Elton John called Madonna a c**t and the Obama campaign essentially called Mitt Romney a murderer and 50 Cent called Kim Kardashian "tr*sh" presumably just to hurt Kanye West’s feelings and I’m assuming Bill Maher told someone or other that the Founding Fathers would have hated their f*cking guts and a friendly restaurant chain was hatefully accused of hate-mongering, it’s a little disconcerting that the calm voice of reason was a soft-spoken notorious serial killer in a maximum-security prison whose life coach is a Cocker Spaniel.
—SHIFT
…and David Berkowitz now!
My god, Berkowitz is an annoying piece of shit. I would even go so far as to say that his behaviour since having been arrested and imprisoned is at least as offensive as anything he ever did while stalking victims through the gutters of NYC, .44 in hand.
Compare him, for example, to Jeffrey Dahmer, whose crimes were arguably more heinous.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RtvmGdzgdLM
Dahmer was, no doubt, a sick fuck, who did the types of things one might expect of a sick fuck. Yet Dahmer was willing to admit that he had committed the crimes of which he was convicted; he admitted, furthermore, that he was essentially a disastrously flawed human being whose actions, freely chosen and carried out, lead to tragedy and pain. He seemed, at least to me, to have been a broken, contrite man who was relieved to have been stripped, at long last, of the freedom to indulge in his bizarre fantasies. He was a sick fuck, but an honest, seemingly repentant one.
So, of course, he gets his brains beaten out with a barbell in prison.
By contrast, Berkowitz–who, for some inexplicable reason, is still alive–is like the used car salesman of serial killers. He is slick and slimy, with a laughably predictable excuse for everything. The dog made me do it. Actually, no, the devil made me do it. Well, no, in fact I was a member of a secret coven of murderous devil-worshippers (righhtttttttt, Dave) who carried out the murders together, so the responsibility for my actions doesn’t really lie with me, you know? Also, you should really be looking for those other guys.
And, even more predictable than his evasion of responsibility is that he decided to follow the well-worn path of guilty, manipulative shitbags everywhere by “finding Jesus” and becoming an obnoxiously vocal Born-Again Christian; worse still, he seems to have reinvented himself as that most odious variant of Christian, the liberal or “progressive” evangelical. Double the smug self-righteousness!
This is a plea to any inmate at Sullivan Correctional Facility, in Fallsburg, NY, where Berkowitz is housed: kill the shithead. You’ll be doing everyone a favour.
Besides, when they ask you why you did such a thing, you can always say that it was the dog who told you to do it.
This is why I call bullshit on that fantasy people have about jail house justice, where other criminals pick up the justice we all drop, and take care of heinous criminals in jail. This guy and Charles Manson still get to walk around like jail house celebrities. Where was this stance on violence when he was taking orders from a dog thirty five years ago, and didn’t bother to check with a human for a second opinion?
Brilliant piece, Shift. And David Berkowitz now bears a striking resemblance to Frank De Fazio during any given episode of Laverne & Shirley.
Has anyone every photographed Berkowitz looking glum? That sunny smile, apple cheeks and placid eyes are the last thing some people ever saw. Nightmarish. If Dr. Frankenstein had made a monster out of the corpse of Andy Kaufman, it would have looked like Berkowitz.