You know what state I hate? Nebraska.
I’ve never been there but I can only imagine. It’s probably all big and Midwesty. All full of itself and its Midwesty bigness.
“We’re number one!”
Sure, you are. Among states that blow.
I can’t see any reason to go to Nebraska unless you’re on your way to someplace better, like Wisconsin or Guam.
Its main export is probably wheat or one of them “grains” that nobody eats anyway.
It’s probably crawling with rattlesnakes and sinister little furry creatures just waiting for you to get a flat in the dead of night in its godforsaken uninhabited Midwestern state.
The capitol is probably Peoria or one of those towns you always hear about but no one’s ever been to.
What the hell’s a “husker?”
I looked it up in Webster’s dictionary and it said, “Fuck if we know.”
I guess it’s short for “cornhusker.”
Gosh, let’s all move there. Follow our dreams of corn and freedom.
Back when the white man was stealing the Indians’ land, when they got to Nebraska, the Indians just said, “You know what? You can have it!”
Like they give a crap where they pitch their teepees.
Normally, when you try to take an Indian’s land you’re going to find yourself buried up to your neck next to a mound of fire ants with honey poured on your head faster than you can bat an eye.
When it came to Nebraska, they really couldn’t see wasting the honey. Made themselves a tasty snack with it instead: honey-glazed wolverine nuggets.
Squatters moved in and were squatting contentedly when here comes the freaking locusts.
This forced the squatters to stand erect, which they hated to do, in order to run away from the locusts.
Screw the Heartland. What are “the fruited plains” really but an open invitation to insect infestation and mutant strains of fungi?
Locust plagues, tornadoes, Native Americans running amok.
Fuck that. If God wanted white people to live in Nebraska, He wouldn’t have created Levittown.
“Yeah, hi, we’re Delaware and our state was the first to sign the Declaration Of Independence.”
“Hi, we’re Pennsylvania and one of our cities was the first Capitol of The United States Of America.”
“We’re California. We invented surf music.”
“Hi, we’re Nebraska. Heck, our state is pretty much synonymous with removing the husks from corn.”