Castration can be a lonely and degrading experience for any male animal, and dogs are no exception.
But male dogs need no longer languish in the shadows, wracked with shame and tortured by the taunts of fellow dogs as well as children, whom everyone knows can be cruel, especially in groups. A refreshing and exciting new product called “Neuticles” can restore a male canine’s sexual self-esteem and at least the appearance of a viable nutsack in a single, only marginally gory surgical procedure.
According to the manufacturer, “Over 500,000 pets Worldwide have been Neuticled since 1995 with not a single complication.” Neuticles’ inventor, Gregg Miller—who developed the fake balls while dealing with a father who has Alzheimer’s—claims to be working on a book called Going Going NUTS!
Neuticles appear to be made out of some super-fantastic space-age acrylic polymer shaped to resemble the kidney-bean curve of the average mammalian testicle. They also come in different sizes to match the scrotum and self-esteem needs of the animal in question:
Rocky Kardashian, famous male dog of famous international woman of noteworthiness Kim Kardashian, has been Neuticled, but you don’t necessarily need to be the pet of a vapid, plastic, daughter of an OJ Simpson-exonerator to have the procedure done. A ordinary man named “Jeff” from the ordinary state of Illinois enthuses about the new fake balls he got for his dog, “Crooked Joe”:
I’ve put off neutering “Crooked Joe” for months and when I found out about Neuticles and spoke to them it made me feel better about neutering. Joe not only looks the same now—but doesn’t know he’s missing anything.
Good for you, Crooked Joe! And good for you, Jeff! And good for you, Neuticles! The world needs more balls! Even if they’re fake, it’s a start!