In the immortal words of Wattie from the Exploited, “I hate, you hate, we all hate politicians!”
The night Obama was elected, the streets around my Brooklyn home were hysterical with glee. People were climbing up streetlights and screaming “OBAMA!” at the top of their lungs as if he wasn’t just another politician. It was a riot of naïveté, and its stupidity stupefied me.
The White House is just a very big DMV. They are all incompetent boobs totally out of touch with the real world. They have no real interest in anything but their own lunch break. In fact, the only good politicians are the ones who hate politicians and are trying to dismantle government from the inside-out.
Reagan was my favorite president by far, but it wasn’t because he was smart. He believed in Martians, for chrissakes. He was a crazy retard but I loved him because he kept his hands in his pockets and did as little politicking as possible.
When politicians actually try to get involved in our lives, they do more damage than big business. In an era of Enron, BP, and Fannie Mae, that’s saying something.
Here are my 10 favorite political cock-ups of 2010.
1. OBAMA CRITICIZES SELF-PROMOTION WHILE ON THE VIEW
Obama was loosely elected for hope and change and ended up hoping for loose change. A site I regularly pilfer, Hot Air, has a hilariously thorough compendium of jaw-dropping “Obamateurisms.” I found it tough to choose one, but this is irresistible. It’s a perfect example of how completely unaware politicians are of their surroundings. His actual quote was, “We shouldn’t be campaigning all the time.” He might as well have been complaining that the drinks taste shitty while taking a huge crap in the punchbowl.
2. JOHN BOEHNER CRYING
This Ohio Republican cries more than a junkie shoplifter with bad luck, but the best example was on 60 Minutes when he bookmarked his tears with Obama compliments and even sobbed that he’d like to play golf with the guy some time. On the bright side, Dan Rather is now in second place for most embarrassing American blubberer.
3. ANTI-MEDICARE GUY WANTS HIS MEDICARE
Maryland Republican Andy Harris was elected because he’s a doctor who opposed Obamacare. Then, on his first day in office, he starts bitching like a spoiled baby about his healthcare taking 28 days to kick in. Spraying irony out of his facial anus, he indignantly dragged on until it dominated the entire Congressional freshman-orientation meeting. He should have been forced to have surgery to remove his hypocrisy.
4. IMITATING HANDICAPPED PEOPLE TO GET VOTES
From all over the political spectrum in all levels of the hierarchy, anyone can be a useless tool. New York State Assemblyman Bob Reilly may not be president, but the wall that separates him from reality is just as opaque. Check out this clip where he recreates a meeting with a cerebral palsy victim and milks it for every crippled grunt he can eke out of it:
PS: When Patton Oswalt saw this he said, “Finally, someone concerned about cunt tax.”
5. LIVE RAP SHOWS AT THE LOUISIANA HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES
There’s no way I’m going to get away with saying this happened later than 2009, but can we please leave it in? In 2010, Louisiana steadfastly continued refusing to apologize for wasting tax dollars to hear a man-child rap about how he wants to bang Halle Berry. So can we keep it in? Please?
PS: If your answer is “no” then sub in the time Janet Napolitano said, “We’re fighting terror 364 days a year.” I’m assuming that missing day is today.
6. GEORGIA CONGRESSMAN THINKS ISLANDS CAN CAPSIZE
The fact that we have someone in office who thinks Guam will tip over if we send over too many soldiers is…spellbinding. What else does he not know? Do we have to watch what we say about Santa around him?
7. ALVIN GREENE
Greene is unique in that his very existence is a cosmic mistake. Every word that comes out of his mouth, from threatening to sue the press for interviewing him to saying he’s running for president, every decision from making action figures of himself to showing college students pornos, is a mistake. Even his green T-shirt is a mistake.
8. SARAH PALIN THINKS WE LIKE NORTH KOREA
Palin-bashing is usually a Hollywood liberal feeding frenzy rooted in contempt for the average American, but come on. She said we have to stand by our North Korean allies. Can you imagine saying that even after 1,000 beers?
9. “RENT IS TOO DAMN HIGH” GUY
Besides the endless comedic opportunities this guy provided SNL, the best part about the “Rent Is Too Damn High” guy is that HE HASN’T PAID RENT IN TEN YEARS! I’m no math buff, but if you think zero is a lot, you’re no math buff.
10. A VERY BASIL MARCEAUX CHRISTMAS
This Southern gubernatorial hopeful became popular after crushing Alvin Greene in the WTF? category by declaring himself Tennessee’s next governor live and on-camera while under the obvious influence of Down syndrome.
Most recently however, he blessed us with a Christmas song that is so bad, it’s left many wondering if he’s in on the joke:
So we should all learn this Christmas season that Democrats, Republicans, liberals, conservatives, and libertarians are all one people, united, under God, indivisible, and ruled by the absolute bottom of the human barrel.
A toast to all of us and some phlegm for all of them. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!