I don’t get chicks: It’s like they’re all from some stupid place where the people don’t really know what they want — but act like they do. I know it’s been talked about in a million snooze-coms staring Jennifer Aniston and some blond guy, but it’s true.

I don’t get chicks: It’s like they’re all from some stupid place where the people don’t really know what they want — but act like they do. I know it’s been talked about in a million snooze-coms staring Jennifer Aniston and some blond guy, but it’s true. That’s why I’m through with trying to understand them. All I do now is find the ones that give me what I want. See? Life doesn’t have to be that complicated.

GIRLS WHO HATE THEIR DADS

Your daddy doesn’t love you. He never did, and he probably never will. Why don’t you just let me help you forget about how mean he is? But don’t start crying after we’ve had sex. That’s just weird.
—

BLACK GIRLS WHO THINK THEY’RE WHITE

What’s that on your iPod? Das Racist?! You say your favorite show is Curb Your Enthusiasm and you don’t think sushi is “yucky?” I just ran my fingers through your hair and I didn’t get shiny pieces of horse-hair all over my duvet? Can I be honest here? Would you mind if I just ate your pussy from now ’til like forever?
—

WHITE GIRLS WHO DIG ME

I don’t drive a flashy car. I spend all day on the Internet looking at porn and hip hop blogs. Sometimes I wear weird stuff that doesn’t really work. Most of my pay check goes on me. I masturbate a lot, and sometimes I get bored during sex and pull stupid faces when I think you’re not looking. After all that you still wanna move in with me? Damn, you crackers are stupid.
—

PALE WHITE GIRLS WITH LOTS OF TATTOOS WHO LISTEN TO HARDCORE AND DON’T LOOK LIKE THEY’RE ATTRACTED TO NIGGERS

Well, ain’t you the pot of gold at the end of the pussy rainbow? Walking into a bar with you is like sticking my dick up a neo-Nazi’s ass.
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RICH GIRLS WHO DATE BELOW THEMSELVES

Yeah, you’ve got more money than me and you live in a really big house, but none of your friends understand you like I do. Actually, I don’t even understand you. You’re basically that girl who hates her dad, but you’ve got a black thing too. And yup, this black dick is REALLY gonna piss him off. I think this is what love feels like.
—

INSECURE 8s

You’re hot, but you don’t know it. And I’m gonna remind you about that at every given moment because I’m a dick who doesn’t normally get girls as hot as you. Now go lose some weight.
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GIRLS WHO TELL ME I HAVE A BIG DICK

OK, I’m a realist: It’s pretty, but it ain’t that big. Thanks for the compliment, but you’re only lying to yourself. Stop trying to massage my ego, it’s bloody transparent. Ah, screw it — who am I to tell you what you can and can’t say in the bedroom? Keep doin’ what ya doin’, baby-girl.
—

GIRLS WHO LOOK SHY AND BOOKISH BUT FUCK LIKE WHORES

WHOA! Where the fuck did that come from?! You look like Lisa Loeb, but you just gave me the best sex ever. It was like Thelma from Scooby Doo had been vag-possessed by a porn star.
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GIRLS WHO SIT ON YOUR COCK, THEN JUMP OFF AND GIVE YOU A BLOWJOB

Errrm, my dick is covered in all that gooey stuff that was in your vagina. Are you telling me that you don’t have a problem with putting it in your mouth? Isn’t that kind of like cannibalism? No? OK, carry on.
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GIRLS WHO ARGUE WITH YOU, THEN FUCK YOU, THEN ARGUE WITH YOU AGAIN, THEN FUCK YOU AGAIN BUT WAY HARDER THAN THAT LAST TIME

Isn’t make up sex the fucking dopest?
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GIRLS WHO SLEEP WITH YOU WHILE THEY HAVE BOYFRIENDS

The fact that you have a boyfriend makes this sex we’re having all the more sweeter. It’s like I’m fucking two people at once. Yeah, one of them is a guy — but this isn’t gay, it’s just awesome. I feel like a secret agent of pussy. I’m like the James Bond of cunt.
—

SMART, CULTURED GIRLS WITH EXTENSIVE VOCABULARIES

I never knew about this particular type of wine or that 16th century painter or the hidden lyric from Snoop’s first album that references necrophilia until I met you. You’re really smart, and I don’t find the fact that you know more than me about everything intimidating at all … maybe a little.

-DONALD CRUNK
IAmFashionHearMeRoar.com

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